32 more days
...and the nightmares won't stop: the caterer canceling, the makeup artist nowhere to be found, my dress not the one i envisioned it to be, neil super super late, neil not going because he's tinatamad, the mass cut short because everybody was late which led to the choir singing just one song but charged whole payment for that, my mother nagging me because everyone was late.
i need to get away!!! (PAGING NEIL: hint hint...please let me go to the beach this weekend....)
"And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone.
These wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you screamed i'd fight away all of your fears
and I held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me."
My Immortal, by Evanescence
There. I've captured how you're feeling. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, oh no. I just want you to know that I can also feel your pain, and my (or our, include the people around you) heart aches too. But you know, nothing lasts forever. Not even sadness, not even pain, not even him.
Take things one day at a time. Soon you will find that thin ray of light seeping through the dark of the dawn and everything becomes brilliant. Soon you will hear the laughter of a four-year-old who has just discovered how beautiful the walls look like when they're covered with watercolor. Soon you will find the answers. Soon you will understand. And you will be surprised - it may come to you at that moment when you're doing something mundane.
After all, the rainbow comes after the rain.
We're always here.
DO NOT do these to me please
Neil, thank you for those comforting words you gave when I was at my lowest this day, ranting about --- the above.
Signs?
As Ruth and I were talking last night, she yet again brought up another realization (we've been doing a lot of that lately, whenever we get the chance to talk). You know, she says. So many things have been going on in your life since you got engaged. It almost seems like you're getting answers for those questions!
I had to agree with her. Yesterday especially was a strange day.
a pleasant surprise
Just last week I was lamenting (to Neil) that this cousin of mine had stopped (no, am exaggerating - minimized is the word) calling, treating us out, and giving freebies (yeah, and these aren't your ordinary freebies - it could go from pan de sal to PDAs). It's because I'm getting married, I told Neil. He didn't expect my life path to turn out this way. He had big plans for me, you see - wanted me to leave the PI and establish a good life somewhere else. But no - since it looked like I was settling down (and worse, here in the PI!), he didn't care anymore. Of course, all those I assumed, while thinking aloud to Neil.
And then yesterday, he gives his wedding gift - a surprisingly big amount of money (well, by our standards, at least). Plus he offers to provide one errand vehicle for the wedding day, and a hotel room where I can change - his treat.
it had me grinning all morning.
and then a bad surprise
My half-brother Ryan texted to tell me Dad's in the hospital. He was shot in the chest last Sunday.
I was alarmed, and had the urge to call Kuya instead of just exchanging texts, but decided not to. What's happened, I ask. I don't know the whole story yet, he replies. But I'll tell you as soon as I get the details. Fortunately, Dad's condition is stable now.
What could have happened? I cannot imagine my dad being a war freak. Am thinking it had something to do with that farm that he manages? I don't know.
I'm just praying everything will be okay.
I couldn't eat properly yesterday, my hands were clammy, and my stomach was turning.
What are the signs telling me?
Early morning madness
For some strange reason, I'm up and about. It's 3:22 am.
Am doing five things at once: downloading MP3s and guitar tablatures, checking mail, writing on my online and print journals. Wanted to take out my guitar from its case and study the tabs already, but my roommate is already fast asleep.
Aaarrggghhhhh.
The story
Maiete, this is the story I would have finished had I been in my right mind, ;p
She calls him on his cell. Please come over, she says. There was a note of urgency in her voice. He could not pinpoint it - it looked like there was an emergency. What's wrong? He asks. It's my husband, she says. We're having problems, and I just need someone to talk to. Uh, okay, he says. Let's meet up.
Who is it? asks the woman sitting across him. Oh, it's that girl I met, he explains. She needed someone to talk to.
The woman's brows creased a little. Oh, she mumbles. Okay.
He looks at her. The woman looks away. Inside, he sighs. This could be right, he thinks. But why couldn't it be? Here in front of me is the love of my life. Why does it have to be this way? Life is so complicated! He shakes his head.
He goes out to meet the caller. He finds her sitting in the restaurant, in tears. Apparently, her husband has been having affairs left and right. While she works her ass off, dancing. (Gifu Darling, they call her. She was the most successful of all Japayukis in Gifu City. You had to be a really nice gentleman to have an audience with her.)
She sobs some more. So, what do you want to happen? he asks.
With tears flowing down her cheeks, she says to him, softly: Vengeance.
Can you help me? she implores.
I'm not sure what you're talking about, says he.
Let's have an affair, she says. And she touches his hand. Which he withdraws in an instant.
I'm sorry, he says. And he stands up, and leaves.
Outside the restaurant, he waits for a cab. Though it wasn't that late, there weren't any cabs passing by. He decides to walk home.
So what happened to the guy?
He's decided to search for his soul - and became a monk. Nowadays his heart aches still for that one woman he truly loved, but some things have to be.
Note: This is a work of fiction. These are just scenes Maiete and I have been playing in our minds that night.
