The newest New Year
Two more days 'til the new year starts.
I can't wait.
It'd be a different year, I'm sure. Well, this year has been a whole lot different - but I bet next year will be more, and there will be more of what I had this year.
Eeeek. My heart gives a different beat whenever I think of the coming year.
I think this is where I say - be still, my heart.
It's cab drivers' week
Yeah, if these frikkin idiots had a week in their commemoration, this would be it. Only it would be a different kind of commemoration. No one celebrates it but them.
So what happens during this week?
Oh, they get to choose their passengers. Or refuse them. Or charge an incredibly large fare. Or threaten the poor, unfortunate souls ("us") into not dropping them off where they're really headed.
And how they celebrate! They have their "Taxi" signs on, and have no passengers. They pass by slowly, making us think that they're "For Hire" - but they do that just to mock you and say, Ha! You pathetic git. You can't get a ride, hahaha.
Damn those cab drivers!!!!!!!!
Freaky!
Last Monday, I made a phone call to our caterer. (Note: I claim her "our" caterer, because we're really considering her to be the caterer for the wedding.) The person who answered told me to call again on the 19th (yesterday), because the caterer was on vacation.
I called up yesterday. A woman answered - who I found out later, was her cousin. I asked for the caterer.
I was in for a surprise. The caterer, she said, was buried just yesterday.
It took me a while to recover. It was just plain freaky (sorry Mrs. Caterer). I mean, someone from their family told me she was on vacation - perhaps they didn't know what to tell me. And here I was, thinking she was on vacation.
May she rest in peace.
Meanwhile, it's time to look for another one.
168 days to go
Or so they say at theknot.com. =)
There's less anxiety now. The Discovery Weekend helped a lot - not to mention a very timely phone call that I received Thursday night, a day before our pre-marriage seminar.
I was praying for a sign the whole week before the seminar. It's not that I relayed on that seminar to determine our fates (although people made a joke on that). I needed to understand what I or we were getting into.
The experience was - sublime. It wasn't the usual - that I can say. They touched on delicate topics like morality and sexuality...which we found surprising, and good. There were really a lot of learnings. At the end of the seminar, we were a little bit tired from waking up early and staying up until late at night for the whole thing, but it was worth it.
Like all the other things that I have gone through this year, this is yet another puzzle with its pieces starting to fall into place. The difference is, this is one puzzle that I'm going to work on with Neil.
Not alone. Not anymore.
=)
What did you do that for?
I know you.
If you like someone, you
Gaze into her eyes. Unblinking, you tell her how beautiful she looks. Your whole world, focused on her. You hold her hand.
Get to know what she likes. Give it to her.
Call her every day, if possible. Talk with her every day. Talk about everything. No, you wouldn't look stupid even if you talked about the most obnoxious things. Because in the end, nothing matters but her. Her her her.
You didn't have to
Caress her tummy.
Put your hand under her top.
Tell her you wanted to because it's close to her breasts.
Kiss her on the neck.
Invite her inside the room.In 24 hours.
When you knew her for practically your whole lifetime. As kids, irritated her to death. As teenagers, irritated her to death. As a grown-ups, irritated her to death.
Because we treated each other like family. We had a friendship that was pure.
I want to know why.
If you genuinely like her, do it properly.
I don't want you doing that to my best friend.
She's a very good person, inside out. Purehearted. Most of all, innocent. How could you have done that?
Discovering ourselves
Next week, Neil and I are attending this seminar called the "Discovery Weekend". It's supposed to let us assess our relationship and help us prepare for marriage.
The seminar will last through the whole weekend. And, get this - no cellphones allowed. Which means we won't be able to communicate with the outside world. Hmm, perhaps that would be good, since we're going to have to be focused on the whole thing.
Wish us well. =)
Sweet Transvestite from Transexual Transylvania
Last night I saw The Rocky Horror Show. It was a blast! What with black net stockings, skimpy clothing, blue orange gold hair colors, and a lotta butts - regardless of gender - it was most entertaining. Now I'm downloading MP3s from the musical. (Well if you woke up this morning singing "I'm a sweet transvestite from transexual transylvania...")
Hmmm. Really enjoyed the play.
Of disappointments and compromises
Let's say you've been looking for something.
Something that, long ago, you could only envision in your mind. But now, as you are given the opportunity to realize it, you feel happy and lucky and excited to go look for it.
I was fortunate enough to be given that chance.
I went to look for it. I was encouraged to look for it. It became part of my fate to look for it.
When I found it, there were no questions. This was it. What I was looking for. I was at peace with it. It was home.
And then, suddenly - it's going to be taken away. This thing I have my heart and my mind set on.
Certain compromises have to be made. Certain disappointments.
Sick in the city
After working late last Friday night, I looked forward to a nice dinner, a relaxing talk with Leah (hmm, were office stuff relaxing?), and perhaps watching a movie with John and his niece Ria.
Well, I did meet up with Leah - and talked about the office incident which happened early Friday evening (and which turned my stomach round)...met up with John, Ria, and another niece of his to watch Ghost Ship, which shook my (and Leah's) nerves. Ate five pieces of California Maki and a large Pepsi for dinner while watching the frigging movie. We at least had a relaxing time drinking coffee at Seattle's GB3, people-watching and chatting with the young. At 3:30 am, after taking Ria and Liz home, I realized my stomach was grumbling - so we went to Isshin to have some of their famous Ramen.
At around 4:30 am my stomach seemed to be taking a different turn. Strange - I never felt something like this before. Finally, at 5, we called it a night (morning) - and I dropped by the drugstore to buy some antacids before going home.
Woke up around lunchtime with that horrible, horrible stomach pain. Neil arrived (we were supposed to look up houses) - and stayed and took care of me. The pain wouldn't go away, so Neil took me to the ER at midnight. Two shots of painkillers. Strong antacids for the stomach.
Sunday - the pain still hasn't gone away. John and Pebbles paid me a visit - at least I was distracted from the horrible pains.
Monday - I couldn't go to work. Went back to the hospital - the doctor had too many patients in line; I was told to come back today.
Finally had that check-up today. Gaaad. A series of lab tests. I thought I was going to die when they got the blood samples from me. The test tube where they put my blood was full to the brim. Eeek. I felt very weak after that and cursed that blasted California Maki and Pepsi. I'm scheduled for an endoscopy on Thursday as well. They're going to see what's really wrong with my stomach. Mom's coming over; just in case I might need to be confined.
Tomorrow, I'm going to work. I NEED TO!!! Loads to do.
Darn this stomach. Auugggh.
Six months to go!
...and I still haven't started on the wedding preps. I didn't realize we only have six months to go until that family affair at Neil's last Sunday - where everyone talked about - yup - our wedding.
Funny thing is, we haven't talked about it yet - again - for a month now...? Gaaaaad. We seriously thought May '03 was too far away still.
=p
No more holiday home trips for me!
Yeah, after that 12-hour ride going home, and 10-hour ride going back to Manila, I swear, I ain't going home anymore on holidays! Instead, I'll bring home here in Manila. ;p
Six hours into the trip and we were still edging our way through the north expressway - I wanted to get out of the car and walk back to Manila. Well, what probably added to my irritation was that I was coming down with something.
True enough, when I got home, my coughing fits got worse. I kept barking along with Tabitha that night. I fell ill.
What a great way to spend a "restful" weekend.
Lazy Baguio weekend
I went up to Baguio during the weekend. The trip was planned weeks ago, but suddenly - no one was going - except me and John.
So, what do you do when the head count = 2? We found the best thing to do was - sleep and eat. Hmmm, come to think of it, I never really knew you could do that much sleeping and eating in Baguio.
The moment we arrived, we slept. I woke up earlier than John, so I took a walk down Session road, took a sniff of the Baguio air, sensed the locals as well as the people on vacation.
I went back to the inn to find John still - asleep. I shook him awake before we start to look pathetic (yeah, considering we just arrived!). We walked to Cafe by the Ruins to have lunch - at 230 pm already.
Realizing we both had to do Number Two, we hurried back to the inn. (Well, we stopped over a travel agency on the way; John had to buy his ticket for Bacolod. Yup, one sensible thing we did!)
And then we slept.
And woke up at 9pm.
Can you imagine anything or anyone so lazy???
We went out to have dinner at Nevada Square. Gasp! Cafe et Biscotti wasn't there anymore. BrewYard was closed. Gaaaaddd. Where are the cool places I used to go to? We had dinner at this new grillery resto. The food sucked.
Right after that horrible dinner, we decided to bar-hop. Well, at least do something significant with our lives. As Maiete suggested, we tried Salud Bistro.
When we got there, no one was there. I looked at my watch. Gasp! It was already 11pm (rolling my eyes). Shyet. This early and no one around.
We went to Legarda St., where Gimbals is. Kids, kids, and more kids. Stuffy room, long line outside. We hopped to Alberto's, where a band was playing. We sat down for a while. I ask John, exasperated: Where are all the beautiful people????
Gaaad.
We left Alberto's and walked around. Finally, we gave up. Nothing to see, nothing to do.
John was already feeling awful. Yep, he was sick.
We went back to the inn. Turned on the TV...ate Oreos and Kornets. Fell asleep. Again.
Woke up late the next day. Auuuggggh!!! Am supposed to meet mom somewhere. Yup, she was in Baguio, too, with friends.
I left John. He really really looked awful. His fever was still burning.
I went around town - met mom, bought pasalubongs and bilins. Muni-muni while walking, as Neil would say.
And John, poor boy, was left at the inn. He only got up when it was time to leave for Manila.
Hmmm. It was a different kinda adventure.
=)
Best wishes, dear friend
It took all of my willpower to stop the tears about to flow down my face.
The moment I saw you in that wedding dress - beautiful, glowing, most of all, peaceful - a mix of emotions came over me. I was seized with sadness, joy, anxiety, security, fear, relief.
I tried to remember the first time I saw you that beautiful, shining. Ah, we were nine then. It was our class Christmas party. You were in this pink two-piece dress. You had on white stockings (yeah, white stockings were in, I had a pair on, too). We were dancing in a circle, laughing, smiling - the simple joys of childhood that made us feel we were on top of the world.
Next. We were 11. It was a formal school affair. We were both in white. Dancing with those boys. Trying hard to look demure; the sides of our lips almost about to break from trying hard not to laugh.
And then we were 14. You had that certain je ne sais quois. Aaah. It was that boy. Made my stomach queasy every time he broke your heart.
At 16, we learned to put on make up (well, lipstick). It was the start of a series of beauty tips and regimens in sleepover sessions.
A blast from the past made our bond stronger. The love you found was that boy who irritated me to no end when I was five. We were 17.
We moved on to the real world. It was a meaningful move. It led us to search...forever going on trips to seek what the world offered us; endless coffee conversations; sleepless sleepovers.
It was there that you found the man you are to marry.
My stomach turns queasy again. It's time for me to walk. The wedding coordinator calls my attention. Walk now, she says. Walk slowly. I nod.
I turn to you. There you are - beautiful, glowing, peaceful.
Before I start to walk, I blow you a kiss.
Surprisingly, the queasiness disappeared. I start to walk down the aisle, towards the altar. As I do, I look up to Him and ask Him to watch over you.
As I reach the podium and wait for you, I look at you. Silently I wish you the best. With all the love I have for you.
Spacing out
Yeah. For an hour now just staring off space thinking about nothing oh something the dots on the ceiling what are those?
God. Wouldn't it be nice to just do nothing think nothing feel nothing but something feels like something like exhaustion and something like dread and i don't like it at all.
Now. Have to go back to work no go back to studying no go back to staring off space oh shit i can't make a bright decision help me God.
Death Be Not Proud!
I feel I'm going to die this week.
Try having these in one week:
Aaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
I cannot die this week.
I will try not to.
Death, be not proud.
The quarter-life crisis
Read on...and relate. =)
They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you are.
You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for one, and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.
You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all. You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused.
Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. We are making a lot of mistakes, but helping one another learn from them and reaching out to pull one another up. We are not the shiniest group of people, but we are very much a circle. We are there for one another and will listen and grow for the rest of our lives. We will piss one another off, but we will also heal one another's hearts. We are the group who sometimes doesn't need words but will laugh at the end of a conversation that started with angry words.
I don't know where this came from, but when I read it, I was awed.
It spoke about me.
Dozo
This was one Japanese word I appreciated so much during my trip to Japan last week (or was it two weeks ago already? Ack! This shows how much time I can spare for myself after that trip). It means "please". As in, "please have a seat", "please enjoy the tour", "please take your time", and my favorite - "please have some more!" (of sushi and beer).
Weeks before the trip, I was forever being nagged by mom. Have you done this and that, have you bought this and that, have you prepared your stuff, etc etc. Days before the trip I was literally being harassed by mom already. You can just imagine my stress, all the way to the airport where she saw me off. Good thing Neil was there, too; he somehow calmed my nerves. So there I was, in the airport, trying to calm myself down from all the mudra stress. And then suddenly, I learn that somehow we've been bumped off from economy to business class. Yay! Things were looking up.
Irashaimase
Welcome, it says. That's the small poster Komiko (we didn't know her then) was holding up. Nanao (an official; and soon my foster father) was there, shaking hands with all of us "Ah, it's you again!" and nodding and bowing. We were led to the Nanbu bus (we had the whole bus to ourselves - party of nine, plus about five Japanese guys). Immediately Nanao began offering us food and drinks. The first thing he offered me was Asahi. What's that? I say. Ah, it's Asahi, he replies. Just like your San(g) Miguer beer!
All right! I've just landed and they offer me beer. Hmmm. Things were definitely looking up.
Remember me?
Arrived in Gonohe, Aomori the next day (yeah, ten-hour bus trip from Tokyo to Aomori. Unfortunately, bullet train under construction.). As soon as we got off the bus, Yonenuma-san surprises me with a hug and says, "Remember me?" And I nod profusely and say, "Hai...hai!" Yes I definitely remember this woman. She was this overly courteous woman who'd cry over the simplest things that touched her heart. She is Kazumi's (exchange student) mom.
We were led to our rooms. While settling down, Yukiko-san, wife of Nanao, knocked on our door. She introduced herself. Ah, she was still forever polite (being the wife of a respected man, perhaps, and the daughter-in-law of the former mayor). You will stay with us tomorrow night, she says to me. Hai, hai! I say, and smile and bow.
The Wercome Party
Wow. They definitely prepared for the welcome party. All municipal officials were there. The party was full of speeches, but they also filled us up with food. Yonenuma-san (this is her family name; I have forgotten her first name!) and Yukiko were at the buffet table, pointing the food to us and identifying which ones were which.
A group of string performers serenaded us. It was an interesting group; it covered all ages! I'm betting the youngest was around 4 or 5, and the maestro, who did a solo, was around 65.
The official beside me offered me sake, and I gratefully accepted. Whoa! Tastes like Tequila, but better. We were making small talk. Suddenly he asks, you're a writer? Hai, hai, I reply (as I always do). And then he says, what is your genre? Whoa! I didn't expect that. Hehe!
The only thing that ruined the night was the presence of this sleazy Americain. He claims he's an interpreter. Duh! He flirts like crazy. As if he was overly gorgeous?! And he had a (Japanese) wife, a three-year-old daughter, and a four-month-old in his wife's belly. He was disgusting.
Barbecue Party
Hmmm. This entry is starting to have too many "party" words in it.
The Kawasakis (Nanao and Yukiko) hosted a barbecue party at their garden house (sort of a resthouse, with lotsa trees and a small pond at the back). It was still early in the evening, and I was already juggling three drinks: asahi, red wine, and something like Cali (from Kazumi) which they called a lady's drink.
The feast was fantastic. We had fish, ika, katsu, beef, scallops, shiitake, onions barbecued...and yaki soba stir fried - all right in front of us.
I thought it would never end! The barbecue went on for hours. The men were getting drunk, and I could see my tito taking off his longsleeves (gasp! the undershirt), and rolling up his pants (gasp! magsasaka na sya).
The Festival
We were fortunate enough to have visited the town during its festival (that's fiesta for us). We were dressed in (ordinary) kimonos, and we helped pull the majestic floats. By the end of the afternoon I was so tired, I wanted to drink beer again.
After the festival, our foster parents took us home. My oba-san (grandmother) was very excited when we arrived; she wanted to dress us up in formal kimono wear. After dinner (dinner was at the local bazaar/fair, where tiangges stood), we went home, where oba-san was waiting.
Kimono beauties
One gruelling hour of dressing us up. Layers and layers of kimono clothing! I was dressed in a green kimono robe.
After taking pictures of moi in kimono wear, the whole family posed for a portrait. Oba-san was one with the biggest smile, of course.
Pity I wasn't given the kimono. So regal. Sigh.
Lake Towada
A one and a half-hour ride from Gonohe brings us to Towada City, where Lake Towada is located. A beautiful and peaceful lake, where shops, restaurants, and a Shinto Temple can be found on one end, and on the other end, more shops.
Unfortunately I finished up all my films, so I had to buy there. A whopping Y830 (that's about P350 here) for a 36-shot film. Aaarrgggh.
Sayonara
The sayonara party was more formal than the welcome party. Speeches, speeches and more speeches...and of course, gifts exchange. More beer and hot sake for us, of course.
When it was time to say goodbye, our friends assured us they'd be sending us off the next day anyway, so we'll be seeing each other.
The night was still early, and we had nothing to do. The girls took a walk (at 930pm). We reached Mini Stop, the nearest establishment (5kms from the International Center where we came from). We walked another 5km home. When we reached the center, the elders were friggin mad at us for having wandered. Whatever!
Tokyo, Tokyo
Our friends were in the center very early in the morning to send us off. Fighting the urge to break down, as I hugged my oka-san and the other peeps who made our stay great.
Called Neil on the highway to Tokyo (lunch break).
Arrived in Tokyo late afternoon. Visited temples. Dinner (food again?!). Didn't have time to shop for electronics anymore (my biggest frustration; was in a very bad mood the rest of the night).
Surprise
What do you know - while fixing my stuff for the flight back home, I found an envelope in one of the gifts I got - an additional Y5000 from my oto-san (father). It said on the envelope: "for Tokyo". Sniff. Such generous souls.
Before I left Gonohe, my oka-san said to me, teary-eyed, "I hope someday you will write about Gonohe and Japan"...and I promised her I would. This is not it. There is too much to tell! =)
Yup. That was one great week.
Lazy Weekend
Oh, yes it is! Was just lounging around the whole day. Except when I went out with Neil to purchase his 128MB memory stick, and dinner at Congo Grille, where we lazily watched people.
Yeah, people-watching. The long table beside us was filled with pretty girls and boys. They were in pairs. The girls thin and beautiful, the boys lean and cute. Neil and I were amused just watching them. The table behind me seated four women. Friends catching up on each others' lives - this I could tell from their endless, excited chatter. And the other long table on Neil's right. Yeah, that was interesting. I was transfixed on this girl who I thought would pair great with Neil. The girl had on a feminine floral yellow top, a nice reserved smile, perfect eyebrows. She had a small, humble-looking face. And she had a hanky in front of her. I told Neil, and he just laughed it off. He didn't think I was sincere. He didn't believe me.
Tomorrow (no, that's today) is kikay day. Been dying to get a manicure (and pedicure) for two weeks now. Yay! Finally.
Aaah. I wish it were a three-day weekend.
CONGRATULATIONS, RUTH!!!
Yeah!!! OT girl!!!! See, told you you'd make it. =) Am soo proud of you [I am - tears stung my eyes when I read about the news...so much like your momma, huh. Hehe]
Now get your butt over here so we can celebrate.
[Ruth is one of my best friends. She has just passed the OT board exams. Smart, sexy, pretty, and nice woman she is - for those who want to date her...Hehehehe (she'll kill me; am doing a shameless plug of her, hehehe)!]
Finis!
The two-week long stress over work, school...my whole life, actually - it's over!!! Yay!
[Yeah, and it'll start again next week. ;p]
Seriously. The past two weeks have unbelievably been stressful. Seems I've been losing my organizational skills. What with a pda, a phone with a calendar, an actual calendar sitting right in front of me on my office desk - and I couldn't seem to schedule my tasks properly! [And couldn't even get myself to blog, even just to rant...]
Today is the day I've been looking forward all week - supposed to have finished everything that needs to be done.
And I did!
And though I can feel the fatigue seeping in, I just have to blog to let out my relief. =)
18.75%!
Ha! Am not hooked after all...heheheh. Thanks, March.
Check this out!!!
Are all *good* men really either taken, or gay?
I had a pleasant surprise this afternoon as I was preparing to leave the office. My best friend called me up from the US. After the usual kamustahans, goss exchange (which was long, mind you), and hearing out each other's sentiments, she finally told me the *big* news.
After almost a year of looking for (literally!) her longtime college crush in the US (she heard he was living in the same state), she finally found him. They called each other up, updated each other, went out to dinner. [She stops here, while I go "EEEEEeeeeeeeeeee!!!!" in kakiligan.]
So they were having dinner. Arnold (yeah, that's the guy), says: "I have something to tell you."
Hazel intently replies, "O." [That's the hard "O" as we say it here when we try to act nonchalantly]. [She stops again as I go "EEEEEEEeeeeeeee!!!!"]
And Arnold goes, "I'm gay." [And then I go, "FFFuuuuuuccccccckkkkkk!!!"]
The story of his life: he had one (Atenean) boyfriend back then. No one knew he was gay (except his boyfriend). It was only when he came to the US that he came out of the closet.
So I ask Hazel how she feels. Torn, of course. God. She has once been crazy in love with this guy - back when she was in a serious relationship!
She laughs about it now, though (however bitterly). We shared a [bitter] thought before she hung up: are all *good* men really either taken or gay?
Faith and Fear
It's been three months since Neil popped the question. Three months since I said 'yes'. Three months of getting IT from everyone.
IT. Relief. Excitement. Joy. Worry. Hope. Raised eyebrows (yeah, we got them). Kilig. Tears. Questions (lots of them).
Thanks for the heartwarming letter, Raine. Honestly, up until now, I still cannot believe that I will soon enter married life. I think about it every time (mostly before I go to bed, and right after I wake up). And now that I've noticed it, I already have a habit of twirling my ring around my finger (same manner as when you wind a watch) when in deep thought.
I have it. Faith, and at the same time, fear.
Sometimes (okay, I admit it - most of the time), I replay that scene in my head where Neil and I are at Moomba, and he's proposing. And then me saying 'yes'. What made me say 'yes'? How did I know that I meant it? The ultimate questions everyone's been asking - including myself.
But up until now I still cannot express, or explain, why. What I can tell you is that it was the right moment, and more importantly, it was right. As I've told Chiqui, there is really such a thing as a "right moment". And when it comes to you, you will be as baffled - perhaps more than I was.
When I play that scene over and over in my head, it comforts me. Faith is strong, and fear fades - although not completely.
I still have bouts of - no, not doubt - asking myself why...and sometimes I know the answer, sometimes I don't. Yes, there's love, and it's true and pure. Sometimes it just makes me wonder if we will be able to maintain that - forever at that.
Oh, I - no, we - will find the answer...perhaps not now...but some distant day.
Thank you for your best wishes. And your prayers. And faith.
=)
Here's Raine's letter, posted in her online journal:
Tuesday, July 16, 2002 - 03:26 p.m.
Good News
Well, the sun is shining once again...the first in two weeks or so. And well, I guess that's good news to everyone. The sun has always been a symbol for cheerful moods, new beginnings, and sunny dispositions! Well, let's see if the sun's rays will finally erase mushy moods and nostalgia in me and to some people i know out there.
Speaking of good news, I just have to write it here on my page the good news I've heard recently from a friend...an old dear college friend I truly miss. So please, allow me to address her here...
Dear Mica,
It's been such a pleasure to know about your upcoming wedding next year. Not mention the romantic gush it sent through me knowing that one of my treasured friends will finally settle down. Your story (your love story with Neil) has always been an inspiration for me that true love is really not that hard to find. And I'm so happy to know that you'll gonna end up with him because I know that he'll make you happy and he'll take care of you just like he'd always done. But above all, I'm happy that you're realizing one of your many dreams. Because I know, that just like me or any woman for that matter, it has always been your dream to find true love, grow old with someone you love and trust and have beautiful kids of your own.
I will be praying for the realization of that dream. And my wishes will always be with the two of you that forever, your love for one another will always be there, constant and unwavering.
You go girl!
love and kisses,
Raine
p.s.
i'll start saving for the gift na...and yes, di na rin ako bilib kay cezar. scoop 'to eh pero di niya naibalita!=)
It's Blogday!
Yeah...how many more blogs will I post today?
It's 2:30 am and I'm still awake - downloading MP3s. While waiting, blogging.
I planned to study, but knowing I had a better choice, it's blogging and downloading over Public Policy and Program Administration.
I should feel guilty - but I'm not. Mwahahahahaahahahahah!!!
"Excuse me, but may I just greet some friends?"
Eeeeeeekkk, how jologs can I get?
You, reading my blog. Sorry, have to do this. Just this once.
Yeah, the moment I start this I'm gonna feel like I'm on air, enumerating names, sending off greetings...but allow me, okay? God, just this once. =p
Okay, here goes...[deep breath....]
First on the list: Anna Marie. Thanks for the call this morning. Always nice to hear from you. Can't wait for Art's pic.
Edwin! Sorry for the bad reception. Will take care of her for you. =)
Raine. Forgot to tell you the news last April. Actually, I thought you knew already - shucks, di na ako bilib kay Cezar, di na sya magaling mamalita!!! Hihi, and you had to know through my blog pa. ;p Thanks for the wishes! =)
Marc - the siopao, the backaches, the early morning leg cramps - it is pms. Eeek, bloody weekend.
Cam dearest!!! Asan errand mo today? ;p Miss you.
Mahal. Thanks for the new toy. =D Look at my bungisngis. Thanks for leaving the bongos with me too.
Okay. There. It's over. Now it's a journal once again.
Ngarag
On top: My MA classes. I'm still in the office, at 11 friggin 10 in the evening, doing my first assignment for my MA (major) class. After this, I'm concentrating on my elective. 77 fucking pages.
My EYP deadline. Tomorrow. Still needs a lot of polishing.
My Neil. He's home sick. Visiting him tomorrow.
My (children's) story! Have to bond with the kids - fast.
My documents for the August trip.
My Team.
My wedding! God, I haven't been doing my assignments (hmmm, well Neil hasn't, so it's only fair, hehe).
AAAAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!
Okay. Just had to do that.
[Back to work...]
What's so funny?
These lines are! Really made my day. Just had to put it here, so I can go back and read it any time I need a good laugh....
"The more the manyer."
"C'mon let's join us!"
"Are you joking my leg?"
"It's not my problem anymore, it's your problem anymore."
"What are friends are for?"
"You can never can tell."
"Let's give them a big hand of applause."
"Been there, been that."
"Forget it about it."
"Give him the benefit of the daw."
"It's a blessing in the sky."
"Where'd you came from?"
"Take things first at a time."
"You're barking at the wrong dog."
"You want to have your cake and bake it too."
"First and for all."
"I'm only human nature."
"The sky's the langit."
"That's what I'm talking about it."
"One of these days is not like the other."
"So far, so good, so far."
"In the wink of an eye."
"The feeling is actual."
"For all intense and purposes."
"I ran into some errands."
"What is the world is coming to?"
"What is the next that is?"
"Get the most of both worlds."
"Whatever you say so."
"My answers have been prayered."
"Please me alone!"
'It's as brand as new."
"I can't take it anymore of this!"
"Are you sure ka na ba?"
"Well well well. Look do we have here!"
=)
Hand me a pencil, will ya?
Very few people know that when I get extremely angry, I break pencils. Mongol pencils. Number 2.
It started when I was 13. I couldn't take this bitch of a girl (who I hung out with because our mothers were friends) anymore. She thought she was queen of the world (the underworld is more like it). I was forced to hang out with her every single day. Even on weekends, when her mom would leave her in our house. She was the meanest of all mean people. One day, I couldn't take it anymore. While she was yakking on, badmouthing everyone, I unconsciously took a pencil from my study table and broke it in half. She hardly noticed it, because she was busy insulting people. I continued to break the pencil, until I had six small pieces on my hand.
And I discovered it felt good.
At 16, I had a pencil holder full of little pieces of Mongol pencils No. 2. Before I left home for college, I threw them all away.
At 18 I had 3 broken pencils. No more, no less.
At 20, I couldn't find a pencil, so I broke my eyeglasses instead.
After that, I had one broken pencil and one broken ball point pen.
I stopped at that. Until recently. This time, it was the Andrew Lloyd Weber album.
I wish I'd stop already!
Hand me a pencil, quick.
Until When 'til Until Then?
I've always been a very patient person.
When Mother told me to wait, I did. I am still.
Father gave his word, too. And I did. Wait.
Best friend told me to wait awhile. Awhile was soon; because I got what I waited for. The first fruit of my patience.
Memorized the clock's tic-toc, waiting for him. I didn't mind. I have learned to love time.
Time was nothing when they needed me. I would listen. I would go to the ends of the earth to see them, comfort them with my patient ears. I am privy to their emotions.
Some that weren't True, I'd patiently bear. I have memorized the singsong requests and whines. It sometimes haunts me, but I don't mind.
Purehearted work. Amidst the [teeny weeny] nagging doubt that it's all futile [not to mention that I may soon starve], I go on.
Until when?
Letter to a (yet unborn) child
Dearest Child,
Allow me to be the first one (I hope!) to welcome you into this world. Too soon, perhaps, but (strangely) I already feel the urge to connect to you, to touch you, to let you know things. Things about you.
That day that your mother told me she already had a picture of a ten-week You - my heart skipped...and I imagined how much more your mother felt. I called her up, excited to hear more news about you. She said yes, yes, the child's heart is beating...can't believe it...it's real...it's a little person. And I squealed in delight - I think I freaked her out with that reaction.
Everything was so unexpected - even you.
Oh, that's nothing to worry about. In my 23 years of living, I have learned that unexpected things are better than you think.
I was unexpected. Everyone was caught by surprise (here's the scene I create in my mind when I think about how people reacted when everyone knew I existed: a sea of faces with different reactions: some gasping, mouths open, mouths open with one hand over, raised eyebrows). But then, think about this: my mother didn't know true love - until I came by. And the rest of the story...well, I can tell you about it when you're here.
I celebrate you.
I'm pretty sure you'll be a great person. Your mother is.
My earliest memories of your mom is back in fourth grade. She was new in class. I tried to borrow a ruler from her - not because I needed it, but because I wanted to take a good look at this new girl who was the daughter of a prominent doctor. And when I approached her, she gave a ready smile, and suddenly I wasn't as shy anymore - aside from borrowing the ruler, I lingered on and asked her what school she came from and if she really was the daughter of Dr. --- . She says her earliest memories of me was back in fourth grade, too - when I used to slide down the stair handrails in my carefree manner.
That's pretty much how our friendship started. And nothing much has changed in and between us. The friendly girl I approached - and the carefree girl she observed - that's her and me. Sometimes our characteristics would intersect (hmm, that's a very nasty term considering we really don't like Math)...and of course we'd have our differences, but our circles always stayed close to each other.
As cliche as it is, your mother is the epitome of a nice person. The adjective just fits her so properly. It seems like it was made for her alone. If I could claim the adjective hers, I would.
What makes me say that? Looking back, I realized that no one could ever complain about her. Those that did were those that envied her. Her only Waterloo was - if it be allowed to be called that - falling in love.
Her first left her badly bruised. He forced her to be what she wasn't and to do what she was not supposed to do. Her second loved her deeply, but distance proved love cannot be. Her third she ached over for a year before he finally realized he was missing the best girl any man can ever have. He is your father.
Child, I celebrate you.
When your mother finally sees you, she will fall in love like crazy - so intense that she transforms her only Waterloo into a victory.
I'm not sure if you understand what I mean. Someday, you will.
For her, and for you, thank you.
And, welcome. I shall be there when you open your eyes.
Darn Kids
Kids. I love 'em!
Four kids, especially: Miguel, Martin, Gabby, and the latest addition - Papung. My favorite kids in the whole world.
Miguel is the eldest. He's turning eight this September. He's an achiever - always number 1 in class, and strives to be, every year (his personal goal when asked by his teachers: to be number 1 again this year. Ain't it wonderful? Oh, I can go on and on about this...). He's a wee bit silent, though - the not-talking-unless-talked-to type. He goes on about his own business (yeah, he's been reading the Harry Potter series alone, i.e., he doesn't need being read to). Up until now I still can't believe how responsible this Kuya is - always watching out for his sister and brother (and cousin, and pets, and sometimes, us elders). I don't know why, but whenever I'm around, he always makes it a point to give me a tip or two about the latest PS game he currently plays. Everything is just a learning experience for this boy.
Martin is a happy child. Every day with him is like being high on something. He's hyperactive - he greets you with a shout, attempts to hug you but then gives you a head-on (he still thinks he's a dinosaur), laughs a belly laugh (always). He hates girls, but he loves me (yeah, he told me so). He makes up stories, but in the end, admits that he just made them up. And we laugh and laugh, because he's just so funny. And, a plus to this funny man (yeah I call him that and he loves it so much it sends shivers down his spine) - he doesn't have front teeth. It's like the perfect thing! He's six.
Gabby is a combination of Miguel and Martin - except that she's a sweet little girl. She's intelligent, yet she can be a smart aleck at times. Gabby is four. She smiles like she's being photographed - she loves the idea. I suspect she dreams about it every time she smiles at someone. Gab has an unbelievable sense of style. She knows how to dress herself up - with the right colors, and accessories! She hates dolls - loves rough play instead. She's a marathon talker too, and she'll talk about anything and everything under the sun - until she lulls herself to sleep.
Papung - looks very much like Miguel. He loves cars, and already drives one (a really small one, of course - for his size). When he was younger he loved me, but he's at that stage where he picks whom he wants to be friends with. Nevertheless, I kiss and hug and talk to him endlessly (can't help it), until he cries in desperation for his dear yaya. He just turned one.
Aaaaahhh. That was great, thinking and writing about these kids. Therapeutic.
Which reminds me, I need to interact with them asap. The crunch on my forehead is getting ugly from all the grownup stress.
Darn kids! I love 'em.
"Don't fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have."
I don't know why, but of all the inspirational shit about failure, this struck me the most (whoever wrote this passage, congratulations and thanks!).
Ah, I remember now. It was that Saturday night (early Sunday morning actually) that I was packing my stuff for the 9th floor move. I was putting all my books, files, letters (lots of it - letters I received since the start of college), stationery, my old journals - in one small suitcase. As soon as I saw my college journal, I dropped everything - and started skimming through the brown pages.
And yes, I saw a few could have's...might have's...should have's.
And I swore...yes I swore - hurling expletives to my poor journal.
But then, I can't help to have could have's, must have's and should have's. After all, these are how I learned to do things.
=)
This is the fifth time I'm moving since I left home for college.
The first time, I had to - I was going away, 256 kms from home - for college. My mom put (yes, "put" is the appropriate word - don't ask) me in a boardinghouse run by this retired guidance counselor who charged an incredibly huge amount for what she claimed was the best boardinghouse on the block. We had a cook who prepared the strangest meals (chicken in creme de la salle was the *best*- which was chicken in green snot), a laundrywoman who kept on borrowing money from everyone (and would later run away with all the money), the landlady's son and his snotty live-in gf, the landlady's bitch of a daughter. We had a 9pm curfew - which I managed to get away from ("sleepovers", hanging out in Wendy's or BM). However which way Mom tried to make me comfortable in that hell of a boardinghouse, it was a far, far, far cry from home.
Ah, and how can I forget my roomie? She was a nice, silent girl - two years my senior, who hated my best friend for I don't know what reason. She just wouldn't speak to her.
I moved to Yakal Residence Hall during my second year in college. The thing I was most excited about was - the curfew. I could not believe that I could stay out until 2am!!! Woohooo! ;p It was there that I learned to eat instant noodles morning, noon, and night...sleep at 3 am and wake up at 6 to line up for a bath...cram...lounge around...take quick naps between classes...ah, the perfect college life!
My roomie was a sociable person who didn't mind "borrowing" stuff from me. She hung out with this girl who didn't mind AND didn't care if she was eating my food or drinking my water or getting my clothes or using my PC without permission - you know, the extra roomie from hell.
After grad, I moved to a place of my own (finally!). Renting, of course. It was a blast!!! Sleepovers (where five persons can fit in my small room), parties (where the landlady gets up from her bed at 3am to tell us to just please shut up - with a threat to evict one of us), experimental dinners (good thing I ate my own disasters - well, Neil sometimes did too), Sundays at the laundromat (reading a good book while waiting for my laundry)...ah, the life! But my six months of bliss ended - somehow abruptly - with another move.
My cousin asked me to share a condo unit with her. Fine with me, it was going to be convenient anyway. So we lived in this 46 sq m unit with no windows - well there were two windows, but they were blocked. So it was always dark...and damp...and we had no idea if it was morning or night. Two years of living in the dark.
Which is why we're moving to another unit tomorrow. One with windows (at last!), and a separate kitchen (yey our clothes don't have to smell of Spam).
Next year I'm moving again. Our contract with the new place expires June next year...the same time my life with Neil starts.
The same time I will be home, at last...I hope. =)
It's one of those days again, when you feel that the world is just not right...like something's askew, or something seems to be missing - a piece of puzzle perhaps? I can't figure it out.
I woke up this morning with that feeling. I stayed in bed longer than usual, thinking about things. Finally I got up, and decided I wouldn't let anything ruin my day. I remembered the mantra of one of my university professors. At the end of each class, she would stand up, fix the extraordinarily large but beautiful pewter that hung around her neck, adjust the bracelets that jingled on her thin arms, flip her hair, and say: "Beauty Above All" - pausing after every word for more drama.
So I got out of bed, took a deep breath, and repeated to myself three times: "Beauty Above All".
I then sat down for breakfast. I particularly chose to sit in the big black leather chair that I use when in front of the PC table. Not on the chairs that accompanied the breakfast table, but on the big, comfortable chair. I don't know, it's just that every time I sit on that chair I transform into my pensive mode.
I didn't realize I'd been sitting there for almost an hour, until my cell beeped. A friend I was supposed to wake up was already awake. Hmm, I thought. Something out of the ordinary! The world is indeed askew. Hehehe.
I regretted standing from the breakfast table. It was a rare, "myself" moment.
As I drag myself through the day, I just have one thing in mind: beauty above all. If I can't figure out the world, I will recite this wonderful mantra...and get a face lift from the secret stupid smile that will be pasted on my fez.
Wasted
Aaarrrrggggghhhhh. Can't wait for Friday. Not that am doing something that's worth looking forward to on Friday (or the weekend). The week just didn't start right for me. I wish I can just stare off space and not think about anything...with a glazed look and a cigarette stub between my fingers, lying on the floor wishing I were dead.
But wait - that's not me.
Sometimes I think about it - what's it like to be in his shoes. Has it really been thirty wasted years?
I see him only at most twice or thrice a year. The longest times I have spent with him are during Christmas parties...where I see him dart in and out of his room, hardly nodding, hardly making eye contact with anyone...stopping once in a while to frighten the kids.
My cousin the druggie.
Perhaps he's tired of seeing everyone shake their heads in disappointment at the sight of him. Perhaps he had some hope left, but had given it up simply because he was not given the chance. And he turned to something he found more satisfying...fulfilling perhaps.
I wonder what happens next, now that he's been found.
His eyes terrify me. There's so much sadness in them, even beneath the glazed look.
I yearn to reach out to him, understand him.
