Are all *good* men really either taken, or gay?

I had a pleasant surprise this afternoon as I was preparing to leave the office. My best friend called me up from the US. After the usual kamustahans, goss exchange (which was long, mind you), and hearing out each other's sentiments, she finally told me the *big* news.

After almost a year of looking for (literally!) her longtime college crush in the US (she heard he was living in the same state), she finally found him. They called each other up, updated each other, went out to dinner. [She stops here, while I go "EEEEEeeeeeeeeeee!!!!" in kakiligan.]

So they were having dinner. Arnold (yeah, that's the guy), says: "I have something to tell you."

Hazel intently replies, "O." [That's the hard "O" as we say it here when we try to act nonchalantly]. [She stops again as I go "EEEEEEEeeeeeeee!!!!"]

And Arnold goes, "I'm gay." [And then I go, "FFFuuuuuuccccccckkkkkk!!!"]

The story of his life: he had one (Atenean) boyfriend back then. No one knew he was gay (except his boyfriend). It was only when he came to the US that he came out of the closet.

So I ask Hazel how she feels. Torn, of course. God. She has once been crazy in love with this guy - back when she was in a serious relationship!

She laughs about it now, though (however bitterly). We shared a [bitter] thought before she hung up: are all *good* men really either taken or gay?

Faith and Fear

It's been three months since Neil popped the question. Three months since I said 'yes'. Three months of getting IT from everyone.

IT. Relief. Excitement. Joy. Worry. Hope. Raised eyebrows (yeah, we got them). Kilig. Tears. Questions (lots of them).

Thanks for the heartwarming letter, Raine. Honestly, up until now, I still cannot believe that I will soon enter married life. I think about it every time (mostly before I go to bed, and right after I wake up). And now that I've noticed it, I already have a habit of twirling my ring around my finger (same manner as when you wind a watch) when in deep thought.

I have it. Faith, and at the same time, fear.

Sometimes (okay, I admit it - most of the time), I replay that scene in my head where Neil and I are at Moomba, and he's proposing. And then me saying 'yes'. What made me say 'yes'? How did I know that I meant it? The ultimate questions everyone's been asking - including myself.

But up until now I still cannot express, or explain, why. What I can tell you is that it was the right moment, and more importantly, it was right. As I've told Chiqui, there is really such a thing as a "right moment". And when it comes to you, you will be as baffled - perhaps more than I was.

When I play that scene over and over in my head, it comforts me. Faith is strong, and fear fades - although not completely.

I still have bouts of - no, not doubt - asking myself why...and sometimes I know the answer, sometimes I don't. Yes, there's love, and it's true and pure. Sometimes it just makes me wonder if we will be able to maintain that - forever at that.

Oh, I - no, we - will find the answer...perhaps not now...but some distant day.

Thank you for your best wishes. And your prayers. And faith.

=)

Here's Raine's letter, posted in her online journal:

Tuesday, July 16, 2002 - 03:26 p.m.

Good News

Well, the sun is shining once again...the first in two weeks or so. And well, I guess that's good news to everyone. The sun has always been a symbol for cheerful moods, new beginnings, and sunny dispositions! Well, let's see if the sun's rays will finally erase mushy moods and nostalgia in me and to some people i know out there.
Speaking of good news, I just have to write it here on my page the good news I've heard recently from a friend...an old dear college friend I truly miss. So please, allow me to address her here...

Dear Mica,

It's been such a pleasure to know about your upcoming wedding next year. Not mention the romantic gush it sent through me knowing that one of my treasured friends will finally settle down. Your story (your love story with Neil) has always been an inspiration for me that true love is really not that hard to find. And I'm so happy to know that you'll gonna end up with him because I know that he'll make you happy and he'll take care of you just like he'd always done. But above all, I'm happy that you're realizing one of your many dreams. Because I know, that just like me or any woman for that matter, it has always been your dream to find true love, grow old with someone you love and trust and have beautiful kids of your own.

I will be praying for the realization of that dream. And my wishes will always be with the two of you that forever, your love for one another will always be there, constant and unwavering.

You go girl!

love and kisses,

Raine

p.s.

i'll start saving for the gift na...and yes, di na rin ako bilib kay cezar. scoop 'to eh pero di niya naibalita!=)

It's Blogday!

Yeah...how many more blogs will I post today?

It's 2:30 am and I'm still awake - downloading MP3s. While waiting, blogging.

I planned to study, but knowing I had a better choice, it's blogging and downloading over Public Policy and Program Administration.

I should feel guilty - but I'm not. Mwahahahahaahahahahah!!!

"Excuse me, but may I just greet some friends?"

Eeeeeeekkk, how jologs can I get?

You, reading my blog. Sorry, have to do this. Just this once.

Yeah, the moment I start this I'm gonna feel like I'm on air, enumerating names, sending off greetings...but allow me, okay? God, just this once. =p

Okay, here goes...[deep breath....]

First on the list: Anna Marie. Thanks for the call this morning. Always nice to hear from you. Can't wait for Art's pic.

Edwin! Sorry for the bad reception. Will take care of her for you. =)

Raine. Forgot to tell you the news last April. Actually, I thought you knew already - shucks, di na ako bilib kay Cezar, di na sya magaling mamalita!!! Hihi, and you had to know through my blog pa. ;p Thanks for the wishes! =)

Marc - the siopao, the backaches, the early morning leg cramps - it is pms. Eeek, bloody weekend.

Cam dearest!!! Asan errand mo today? ;p Miss you.

Mahal. Thanks for the new toy. =D Look at my bungisngis. Thanks for leaving the bongos with me too.

Okay. There. It's over. Now it's a journal once again.

Shopping frenzy

Who, me?

Unfortunately!

It's the long weekend. Yesterday I was in the mall - went home with stuff. Today I was in the mall - brought home my new toy (thank you, Neil ko!). Tomorrow, clothes-shopping.

Mmmmmm. Feels good. =)

Ngarag

On top: My MA classes. I'm still in the office, at 11 friggin 10 in the evening, doing my first assignment for my MA (major) class. After this, I'm concentrating on my elective. 77 fucking pages.

My EYP deadline. Tomorrow. Still needs a lot of polishing.

My Neil. He's home sick. Visiting him tomorrow.

My (children's) story! Have to bond with the kids - fast.

My documents for the August trip.

My Team.

My wedding! God, I haven't been doing my assignments (hmmm, well Neil hasn't, so it's only fair, hehe).

AAAAAAAAAArrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!

Okay. Just had to do that.

[Back to work...]

What's so funny?

These lines are! Really made my day. Just had to put it here, so I can go back and read it any time I need a good laugh....

"The more the manyer."

"C'mon let's join us!"

"Are you joking my leg?"

"It's not my problem anymore, it's your problem anymore."

"What are friends are for?"

"You can never can tell."

"Let's give them a big hand of applause."

"Been there, been that."

"Forget it about it."

"Give him the benefit of the daw."

"It's a blessing in the sky."

"Where'd you came from?"

"Take things first at a time."

"You're barking at the wrong dog."

"You want to have your cake and bake it too."

"First and for all."

"I'm only human nature."

"The sky's the langit."

"That's what I'm talking about it."

"One of these days is not like the other."

"So far, so good, so far."

"In the wink of an eye."

"The feeling is actual."

"For all intense and purposes."

"I ran into some errands."

"What is the world is coming to?"

"What is the next that is?"

"Get the most of both worlds."

"Whatever you say so."

"My answers have been prayered."

"Please me alone!"

'It's as brand as new."

"I can't take it anymore of this!"

"Are you sure ka na ba?"

"Well well well. Look do we have here!"

=)

Hand me a pencil, will ya?

Very few people know that when I get extremely angry, I break pencils. Mongol pencils. Number 2.

It started when I was 13. I couldn't take this bitch of a girl (who I hung out with because our mothers were friends) anymore. She thought she was queen of the world (the underworld is more like it). I was forced to hang out with her every single day. Even on weekends, when her mom would leave her in our house. She was the meanest of all mean people. One day, I couldn't take it anymore. While she was yakking on, badmouthing everyone, I unconsciously took a pencil from my study table and broke it in half. She hardly noticed it, because she was busy insulting people. I continued to break the pencil, until I had six small pieces on my hand.

And I discovered it felt good.

At 16, I had a pencil holder full of little pieces of Mongol pencils No. 2. Before I left home for college, I threw them all away.

At 18 I had 3 broken pencils. No more, no less.

At 20, I couldn't find a pencil, so I broke my eyeglasses instead.

After that, I had one broken pencil and one broken ball point pen.

I stopped at that. Until recently. This time, it was the Andrew Lloyd Weber album.

I wish I'd stop already!

Hand me a pencil, quick.

Until When 'til Until Then?

I've always been a very patient person.

When Mother told me to wait, I did. I am still.

Father gave his word, too. And I did. Wait.

Best friend told me to wait awhile. Awhile was soon; because I got what I waited for. The first fruit of my patience.

Memorized the clock's tic-toc, waiting for him. I didn't mind. I have learned to love time.

Time was nothing when they needed me. I would listen. I would go to the ends of the earth to see them, comfort them with my patient ears. I am privy to their emotions.

Some that weren't True, I'd patiently bear. I have memorized the singsong requests and whines. It sometimes haunts me, but I don't mind.

Purehearted work. Amidst the [teeny weeny] nagging doubt that it's all futile [not to mention that I may soon starve], I go on.

Until when?

Letter to a (yet unborn) child

Dearest Child,

Allow me to be the first one (I hope!) to welcome you into this world. Too soon, perhaps, but (strangely) I already feel the urge to connect to you, to touch you, to let you know things. Things about you.

That day that your mother told me she already had a picture of a ten-week You - my heart skipped...and I imagined how much more your mother felt. I called her up, excited to hear more news about you. She said yes, yes, the child's heart is beating...can't believe it...it's real...it's a little person. And I squealed in delight - I think I freaked her out with that reaction.

Everything was so unexpected - even you.

Oh, that's nothing to worry about. In my 23 years of living, I have learned that unexpected things are better than you think.

I was unexpected. Everyone was caught by surprise (here's the scene I create in my mind when I think about how people reacted when everyone knew I existed: a sea of faces with different reactions: some gasping, mouths open, mouths open with one hand over, raised eyebrows). But then, think about this: my mother didn't know true love - until I came by. And the rest of the story...well, I can tell you about it when you're here.

I celebrate you.

I'm pretty sure you'll be a great person. Your mother is.

My earliest memories of your mom is back in fourth grade. She was new in class. I tried to borrow a ruler from her - not because I needed it, but because I wanted to take a good look at this new girl who was the daughter of a prominent doctor. And when I approached her, she gave a ready smile, and suddenly I wasn't as shy anymore - aside from borrowing the ruler, I lingered on and asked her what school she came from and if she really was the daughter of Dr. --- . She says her earliest memories of me was back in fourth grade, too - when I used to slide down the stair handrails in my carefree manner.

That's pretty much how our friendship started. And nothing much has changed in and between us. The friendly girl I approached - and the carefree girl she observed - that's her and me. Sometimes our characteristics would intersect (hmm, that's a very nasty term considering we really don't like Math)...and of course we'd have our differences, but our circles always stayed close to each other.

As cliche as it is, your mother is the epitome of a nice person. The adjective just fits her so properly. It seems like it was made for her alone. If I could claim the adjective hers, I would.

What makes me say that? Looking back, I realized that no one could ever complain about her. Those that did were those that envied her. Her only Waterloo was - if it be allowed to be called that - falling in love.

Her first left her badly bruised. He forced her to be what she wasn't and to do what she was not supposed to do. Her second loved her deeply, but distance proved love cannot be. Her third she ached over for a year before he finally realized he was missing the best girl any man can ever have. He is your father.

Child, I celebrate you.

When your mother finally sees you, she will fall in love like crazy - so intense that she transforms her only Waterloo into a victory.

I'm not sure if you understand what I mean. Someday, you will.

For her, and for you, thank you.

And, welcome. I shall be there when you open your eyes.