Across the Universe

We used to sing this, him and I. We'd alternate on the guitar. He'd go second voice on me, and I'd get lost. Jai guru deva om. Nothing's gonna change my world.

It was a comfort song. For me, it meant we could stay on and on like this forever. It was a moment, but for me it meant a lifetime. Nothing's gonna change my world. It was a moment, and I clung to it like anything. It was a moment, that at the back of my mind I knew would last soon because I only had my father for a few minutes or hours, but I stubbornly believed it was forever.

That is my fondest memory of my father. It was my fondest memory even when he was alive, because I could only have him for a few moments. It is my fondest memory of him now that he's passed away.

Yesterday, he died. The strange thing was, I dreamed about him yesterday morning. In my dream, he had his top off, and he was drunk. (I've never seen him drunk before!) He went to my (current) home, and demanded for the refrigerator. Refrigerator?! How stupid was that? In my dream, I told him off for coming drunk, and told him to leave. He left.

I woke up thinking about the dream. I was up for about an hour before I fell back into sleep again. Then last night, my half-brother called me up, saying that Papa had died of a heart attack--that morning.

I said to my half-brother that I'd just send up prayers, because I was sure I wasn't expected to be there (with them). He said okay, that he just wanted to let me know, and that he'll keep in touch.

I felt strange after hearing about Papa's death. I broke down in tears--but I wasn't sure if they were of grief. I couldn't feel that his life was such a loss. I couldn't feel that I missed him. I couldn't feel that I was losing a parent. I didn't know why I was crying. But the thoughts that ran through my mind, while I cried, were good memories of me and him. My chest didn't feel heavy as I wept. There wasn't any bitterness. What could I have been crying about?

I could have been weeping for the moments we spent--my forevers. And as short as those moments--or those forevers--were the moments I wept.

Remember me when I am gone away,

Gone far away into the silent land;

When you can no more hold me by the hand,

Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.

Remember me when no more day by day

You tell me of our future that you planned:

Only remember me; you understand

It will be late to counsel then or pray.

Yet if you should forget me for a while

And afterwards remember, do not grieve:

For if the darkness and corruption leave

A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,

Better by far you should forget and smile

Than that you should remember and be sad.

-Christina Rossetti

So, Papa, this is really goodbye. But now I know this is a goodbye where I won't have to wait or wonder. And I'm okay with it.

And though I did not get to say this to you, thank you for giving me those moments.