32 more days
...and the nightmares won't stop: the caterer canceling, the makeup artist nowhere to be found, my dress not the one i envisioned it to be, neil super super late, neil not going because he's tinatamad, the mass cut short because everybody was late which led to the choir singing just one song but charged whole payment for that, my mother nagging me because everyone was late.
i need to get away!!! (PAGING NEIL: hint hint...please let me go to the beach this weekend....)
"And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone.
These wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase
when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you screamed i'd fight away all of your fears
and I held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me."
My Immortal, by Evanescence
There. I've captured how you're feeling. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, oh no. I just want you to know that I can also feel your pain, and my (or our, include the people around you) heart aches too. But you know, nothing lasts forever. Not even sadness, not even pain, not even him.
Take things one day at a time. Soon you will find that thin ray of light seeping through the dark of the dawn and everything becomes brilliant. Soon you will hear the laughter of a four-year-old who has just discovered how beautiful the walls look like when they're covered with watercolor. Soon you will find the answers. Soon you will understand. And you will be surprised - it may come to you at that moment when you're doing something mundane.
After all, the rainbow comes after the rain.
We're always here.
DO NOT do these to me please
Neil, thank you for those comforting words you gave when I was at my lowest this day, ranting about --- the above.
Signs?
As Ruth and I were talking last night, she yet again brought up another realization (we've been doing a lot of that lately, whenever we get the chance to talk). You know, she says. So many things have been going on in your life since you got engaged. It almost seems like you're getting answers for those questions!
I had to agree with her. Yesterday especially was a strange day.
a pleasant surprise
Just last week I was lamenting (to Neil) that this cousin of mine had stopped (no, am exaggerating - minimized is the word) calling, treating us out, and giving freebies (yeah, and these aren't your ordinary freebies - it could go from pan de sal to PDAs). It's because I'm getting married, I told Neil. He didn't expect my life path to turn out this way. He had big plans for me, you see - wanted me to leave the PI and establish a good life somewhere else. But no - since it looked like I was settling down (and worse, here in the PI!), he didn't care anymore. Of course, all those I assumed, while thinking aloud to Neil.
And then yesterday, he gives his wedding gift - a surprisingly big amount of money (well, by our standards, at least). Plus he offers to provide one errand vehicle for the wedding day, and a hotel room where I can change - his treat.
it had me grinning all morning.
and then a bad surprise
My half-brother Ryan texted to tell me Dad's in the hospital. He was shot in the chest last Sunday.
I was alarmed, and had the urge to call Kuya instead of just exchanging texts, but decided not to. What's happened, I ask. I don't know the whole story yet, he replies. But I'll tell you as soon as I get the details. Fortunately, Dad's condition is stable now.
What could have happened? I cannot imagine my dad being a war freak. Am thinking it had something to do with that farm that he manages? I don't know.
I'm just praying everything will be okay.
I couldn't eat properly yesterday, my hands were clammy, and my stomach was turning.
What are the signs telling me?
Early morning madness
For some strange reason, I'm up and about. It's 3:22 am.
Am doing five things at once: downloading MP3s and guitar tablatures, checking mail, writing on my online and print journals. Wanted to take out my guitar from its case and study the tabs already, but my roommate is already fast asleep.
Aaarrggghhhhh.
The story
Maiete, this is the story I would have finished had I been in my right mind, ;p
She calls him on his cell. Please come over, she says. There was a note of urgency in her voice. He could not pinpoint it - it looked like there was an emergency. What's wrong? He asks. It's my husband, she says. We're having problems, and I just need someone to talk to. Uh, okay, he says. Let's meet up.
Who is it? asks the woman sitting across him. Oh, it's that girl I met, he explains. She needed someone to talk to.
The woman's brows creased a little. Oh, she mumbles. Okay.
He looks at her. The woman looks away. Inside, he sighs. This could be right, he thinks. But why couldn't it be? Here in front of me is the love of my life. Why does it have to be this way? Life is so complicated! He shakes his head.
He goes out to meet the caller. He finds her sitting in the restaurant, in tears. Apparently, her husband has been having affairs left and right. While she works her ass off, dancing. (Gifu Darling, they call her. She was the most successful of all Japayukis in Gifu City. You had to be a really nice gentleman to have an audience with her.)
She sobs some more. So, what do you want to happen? he asks.
With tears flowing down her cheeks, she says to him, softly: Vengeance.
Can you help me? she implores.
I'm not sure what you're talking about, says he.
Let's have an affair, she says. And she touches his hand. Which he withdraws in an instant.
I'm sorry, he says. And he stands up, and leaves.
Outside the restaurant, he waits for a cab. Though it wasn't that late, there weren't any cabs passing by. He decides to walk home.
So what happened to the guy?
He's decided to search for his soul - and became a monk. Nowadays his heart aches still for that one woman he truly loved, but some things have to be.
Note: This is a work of fiction. These are just scenes Maiete and I have been playing in our minds that night.
The sun rises
Oh yes it does - and I'm still awake.
Can't sleep. Had too much coffee? Cigarettes? Or perhaps stuck again in that pensive mode?
Now I have the urge to go have breakfast at McDonald's. Yummm - pancakes and sausages. Maybe I'll take the bike. Have its wheels checked first before crossing Ayala to Paseo for that Breakfast McDo.
Maybe. Maybe not.
FOR RAINE
Tonight the stars prepare to celebrate you.
Look at them - a blanket of lights. Some blinking, some brightly lit, others sending a few sparks.
They talk among themselves.
Ready? they say. C'mon, they nudge each other. Let's make this perfect.
Raine -
Tonight, take a peek at the sky.
See the heavens light up.
See them celebrate you.
A very HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you, sweetie.
You have a perfect day tomorrow. =)
[Just one of the sounds of]one heart breaking
Last night, my heart broke.
It was because I heard a story - one so unbelievable, but unfortunately true.
As my friend sobbed, I could feel the pain, too - and it hurt. Fucking hurt.
Apparently, her boyfriend of eight years has been abusing her - verbally - for some time now. Last night, for example, she received a text message: "Where are you? Are you out having sex with your boys again?"
He does that every time she goes out - regardless of the nature of the activity. Be it dinner with friends, choir practice, an office event.
I asked her what could be the reason why he does that - perhaps there might have been some thing in the past that had happened. Implying of course that perhaps there was a valid reason for him to get jealous that way. And she says none.
He's the one who has that history, that past, she says. And now it appears like it was I who did all those things, she laments.
And she sobs. And sobs.
It breaks my heart.
Moreso for her.
Wise words from Rainer Maria Rilke
"...have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
I am virginal???
Took this test - got the link from Raine's blog. Check it out!
Home
Is this home, is this where I should learn to be happy? Never dreamed that a home would be dark and cold. I was told every day in my childhood, even when we grow old - home will be where the heart is, never a word so true. My heart’s far, far away, home is, too. Is this home, is this what I must learn to believe in? Try to find something good in this tragic place? Just in case I should stay here forever, held in this empty space - oh but that won’t be easy, I know the reason why. My heart’s far, far away, home’s a lie. What I’d give to return to the life that I knew lately! But I know, but I can’t solve my problems going back. Is this home? Am I here for a day or forever? Shut away from the world until who knows when? Oh but when has my life has been altered once it can change again. Build higher walls around me, change every lock and key. Nothing lasts, nothing holds all of me.
My heart’s far, far away, home and free.
-Belle, Beauty and the Beast
I wish I knew, too.
Pamanhikan
Yesterday our families met with each other.
Today - I'm glad we've done what we were supposed to do.
It was a tense-filled day! At least preparing for the pamanhikan.
When I woke up yesterday morning, I didn't want to attend french classes. As soon as I heard mom's voice piping in from the kitchen asking about the day's big event, it prompted me to get out of bed and go to class. (Besides, it was our last day, so I had to go say au revoir et merci beaucoup to Madame Audrain who had been so pleasant calling on me every single french class.)
But, no! While in class, my cell wouldn't stop. Mom. Neil. My Tita Pearl. Dad. Asking about the event. Stressing about it.
Went home briefly during lunch to drop my things, then went off to meet V and Maiete for Divisoria trip. Aaah, what therapy! Was kept busy looking for materials for my bridal dress. And since I was mazing in and out of the buildings in Ilaya and Tabora streets, my phone's signal was fluctuating. No one bothered me.
On my way home it started again, with Mom calling me on my cell. Where are you? She was freaking out.
At exactly six in the evening, Neil and his parents were knocking on the door. Ack! I was just about to finish dressing up. Of course Mom wouldn't stop trying to make me hurry up. And, she burst into her teacher mode, speaking in that annoying tone and in straight English. Gaad.
It was good that the atmosphere warmed up when we were seated at the restaurant. We were there for four hours.
The event went well, relatively. Quite surprised with myself - I was calm and collected during the whole thing. ;p
Three months until the day!
