Have you ever...?

...felt so sad that you don't know you are shutting out everything around you, including the person smiling right in front of you? So sad that you don't hear your phone ringing; so sad that you don't realize it's tears falling down your face and not rain?

...felt so low that no matter how much effort you put into something your output still spells disaster? So low that you've forgotten you can speak up and be heard?

...felt so numb you don't feel the hunger anymore? So numb that your five-hour headache is disguisingly comforting?

...

I'm the cornflower blue donkey

Ass is more like it (sorry, Eeyore).

I must have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed (well, I'm on the wrong side of the bed, actually. Neil sleeps on the side nearest the wall - I don't know how we got into these sleeping places). It must have been my week-long cranky mood. Or maybe it's the crawling red ants that keep on coming back no matter how much Baygon I spray. Maybe it's the stressful living condition that we have - we realized we don't have such a perfect home, with the water leakage, the [non-existence of an] elevator, the frikkin ants, the not-so-helpful maintenance guy.

And then one bad thing led to another and another and now my husband and I ain't talking to each other.

There. The raincloud hovering above me.

Rockin weekend

Guess what I was doing last Friday at 7PM?

I was with Neil and John, on the waiting shed in front of MSE Ayala, slightly wet because of the downpour. Waiting for the Quiapo bus.

We were going to Sanctum Intramuros to see Cynthia Alexander. John was complaining - "I'm not a die-hard fan!" - he wouldn't have been braving the rains for Cynthia.

So anyway, we boarded the bus. Good thing we were seated (or else I wouldn't hear the end of it from John). Neil fell asleep, John was absorbed in reading his Harry Potter 5 on his PDA, and I was left staring at my hand.

We got off at the Quiapo church, and took the jeep to the pier. I swear we looked like the three very lost wise men...we were dressed up and looking so dignified - riding the jeep and inhaling the polluted Manila air. All that for Cynthia.

Since we were on Patty's guest list, we got good seats in the house. Patty, tipsy and all, humiliated me by telling Cynthia I was the stalker. I was horrified. I mean, if I were the artist I'd stay away from stalkers, right. Grrr. Anyway, when the show ended, I was already humiliated that I didn't want to line up for the CD signing. I had John go up and do it.

John, the good friend that he is, pointed to me and said - "There's Mica! This was all her idea. There's your stalker!". God! I had to stand, go up, and meet her.

It wasn't as horrifying as I thought it would be. She wrote, on the CD jacket, "daghang salamat, Mica...wouldn't have explored so far". Awww. Ain't that great? ;p

Anyway...Saturday we spent the day with Neil's tita (and tito). It felt good talking to two old married couples - the insight you can get from them!

Sunday...well I was dreading French class. I felt I didn't do my homework right, and I had a gnawing feeling that my professeur would call on me - again and again and again - like he always does. It turned out that I was the only one who got it right! Nice surprise.

Now I wish the weekend was longer...

To Raine

Thanks for your message, sweetie! Don't worry about not making it to our wedding. I know you wanted so much to be there - just like most of the people who didn't make it, because of the events of the day (oh, if you haven't heard of it, I've provided a short account for you below).

As for married life - well, all I can say is, there's so much we still have to learn. What we had six years ago isn't what it is now that we're married. It is just so different from those dating stages! I'm especially struggling trying to be a good partner (hmm, note the choice of word here - wife is just too sexist for me! haha) - I mean, I've been so independent my whole life and I've valued (and practiced) my individuality. Oh, you won't imagine how now I've been wreaking disaster after disaster - from forgetting the bills, to cooking with the wrong ingredients, to not putting fabric conditioner on the laundry, to everything domestic! Sometimes I doubt if I will ever, at least, get the hang of it.

On the other hand, there's someone I come home to. You know what's weird? I feel this is a new love, you know? Like we're re-learning how to love. Everything feels like first time. It's thrilling and at the same time, challenging. You know how you first find someone and fall in love? Everything that comes with that - it's happening all over again.

Hmm. You're the only person who hasn't asked about an offspring in the making! Hehehe. No, we're not having one yet. Maybe in the next year or two. (Thank God my mom has Tabitha! Tabitha's our dog. She adores my mom - and vice versa! If it weren't for Tab, I'm sure mom's forcing me to have a kid NOW NA. Hehe.)

Come over some time. I'll play your good hostess and Neil will play the typical husband, just sitting in front of the TV while conversing with you. Hahaha.

We're arranging and collating our wedding pics. Will send you some soon. =)

Oh - what happened during the wedding? A gas tanker was lying in the middle of South Superhighway that fateful day. Authorities were afraid it might explode, so they had traffic rerouting. Our guests took different routes - inside the busting Laguna towns, service roads, dirt roads, and most of them going back to Manila and going through Cavite and Tagaytay to get to Laguna, just like the LFers did. The church was barely filled; half of the entourage were stuck in traffic. My father did not arrive. We borrowed a flower girl. I was crying like crazy in the bridal car, I didn't care anymore if my makeup ran, and my veil kept falling. There was no music. My photographer arrived after the ceremonies, as well as most of my family. Guests arrived in batches during the reception. The choir arrived at 8pm. Ginny, my good friend and maid-of-honor, was an angel - she did a great job handling the church and reception activities. One veil sponsor and another maid-of-honor (thank God I had two!) arrived at 1245 in the morning.

Such an eventful day! I wonder what's in store for us in the next years...;p

Now I know where to go searching when I'm lost...

You come from the Ocean. You've always been drawn
to the sea, the sound of the waves, the crystal
blue water, near the sea is where you belong.


Where Did Your Soul Originate?
brought to you by Quizilla

Lazy monday

Aaaaah. The moment I woke up I dreaded coming to work. Weekends are just not enough!

I spent the whole of Saturday cleaning our home. By the time I finished, I had to prepare for Saturday night's G. Had I finished earlier, I would have entertained June at home, visited Cam after, then on to Parañaque for the dinner. But no! I could not anymore - I'm losing my powers. And then I had to compromise Saturday dinner over Six Feet Under. Sigh. Well, it's not every day that we get to spend time like last Saturday's dinner, so I won't complain. ;p

Sunday - well I spent most of the day sleeping. The Hub and I went out at 7pm to hear mass at Greenbelt. We had to rush home to catch Will and Grace (hmm, am too hooked on TV already!). Spent the rest of Sunday scouring the papers and the Net for jobs. No success. =(

If the weekend were longer, I would have:

• arranged photos: both old ones and our wedding pics (they're complete now, finally!)
  
• covered my books
  
• rearranged my closet (yes, it's still disorganized)
  
• downloaded MP3s
  
• prepared cards for snail mail (calling Neil...you haven't cut out the cards yet, honey...grrr)
  
• spaced out!
  
  

Sigh. Mondays suck.

Raging hormones

What the - I've not been blogging for almost a month now and I talk about my hormones???

Yes, unfortunately this is the big update of my life.

How blah can I get.

Next week, I promise. There'll be less of these and more of LIFE! (Yay.)

Marriage is adjustment.

That's what I learned in my 23 days of being married.

The first week I was crying myself to sleep because of homesickness.

The weeks after I was crying every day because I was having a hard time adjusting. Having someone to hug with during cold, rainy nights or to feet-wrestle with while watching mindless cartoons sure is nice, but there's a lot more to living with someone.

I don't know - perhaps it was because I was so used to living my *own* life. Or perhaps it was because everything seemed to call for a compromise. I never knew compromises could be difficult, too - I mean, it wasn't hard compromising with my former roommate, because each of us gave in (and in the end would be easier to settle). And this fact made it harder for me to adjust.

I wanted to go away. I wanted to spend time with myself - I wanted to think, I wanted to understand, I wanted to heal. I had told Neil - but he held my hand tight and would not let me go. His way of healing.

Evil ever

I am 26% evil.




I try to stay away from evil deeds but succumb to temptation every once in a while. I'm not quite on my way to hell but I certainly have some explaining to do.


Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com

Ever after

Ten days of being married - how has it been?

It's been bliss, because every morning I wake up and have someone beside me. It reminds me of days to come - not alone now, but with someone to share with. It takes some getting used to, but it's a beautiful struggle to begin with.

At night, though, I get these pangs of homesickness...sadness...I can't determine what they are. I've been crying myself to sleep this week. I miss a lot of things, I guess...or perhaps it's still taking some time to sink in.

One thing's for sure: there's still a lot I (or we) have to learn.

Three more (sleepless) nights...

...before the big day.

I pray that everything will go well.

The anatomy of someone who's getting hitched in 12 days

Okay. Let's start from the bottom.

1. Feet. Toes okay - just had a great pedicure last Saturday with Ginny. Soles: so-so. Tired feet most of the time, from all the errands.





2. Lower legs. Veins starting to show. Please, not those varicose-type (Lord, no!).





3. Thighs. Still looking normal. Although I could swear I have cellulites over there.





4. Butt. A little worked out already from all the running around and going up five flight of stairs of our new apartment. Not as worked out as my calves, though.





5. Tummy. Wish it would go away.





6. Stomach. Bloated from all the Ruffles I've been eating. Blasted stress snack. Hmp.





7. Boobies. Getting boobier, said some friends. Augh! I don't want any more of it!!!





8. Arms. God. Still huge. Embarrasingly UNtoned. And dark because they were exposed when I went to the beach.





9. Face. Breaking out. Trying hard to hydrate with water, but I can't sleep well nowadays, so what the hell. Break out all you want, you impish little zits!!!





10. Hair. The only part of my body cooperating well. Thank God for Alex, my six-year hairdresser.





11. Brain. Going bonkers. I can't think properly. I'm losing my organization skills. Ooh, that's bad. Keep forgetting things. Like where I put my brain.








Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!



12 more days 'til the day. Help me God.

Pre-wedding beach trip

It cost a whole night of tampo for Neil and a pair of sandals for me. Neil finally gave me his blessings at half past midnight - which then led me to pack my beach stuff. ;p

Besides being a stress-reliever for me, that beach trip was also a bridal shower cum coming out party. ;p Now we're not only happy, but gay, too!!!

32 more days

...and the nightmares won't stop: the caterer canceling, the makeup artist nowhere to be found, my dress not the one i envisioned it to be, neil super super late, neil not going because he's tinatamad, the mass cut short because everybody was late which led to the choir singing just one song but charged whole payment for that, my mother nagging me because everyone was late.

i need to get away!!! (PAGING NEIL: hint hint...please let me go to the beach this weekend....)

"And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

because your presence still lingers here

and it won't leave me alone.

These wounds won't seem to heal

this pain is just too real

there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears

when you screamed i'd fight away all of your fears

and I held your hand through all of these years

but you still have all of me."

My Immortal, by Evanescence

There. I've captured how you're feeling. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, oh no. I just want you to know that I can also feel your pain, and my (or our, include the people around you) heart aches too. But you know, nothing lasts forever. Not even sadness, not even pain, not even him.

Take things one day at a time. Soon you will find that thin ray of light seeping through the dark of the dawn and everything becomes brilliant. Soon you will hear the laughter of a four-year-old who has just discovered how beautiful the walls look like when they're covered with watercolor. Soon you will find the answers. Soon you will understand. And you will be surprised - it may come to you at that moment when you're doing something mundane.

After all, the rainbow comes after the rain.

We're always here.

DO NOT do these to me please

1. Agree to meet me/make an appointment with me, then cancel out AND lie or make up an excuse for it.
   
2. Really excite me about something that you know is close to my heart just for it to get busted - by you.
   
3. Break your promise/s. Especially if you know me too well that I have a problem with broken promises. And that I myself don't break them.
   
4. Lie to me.
   
5. Take advantage of me. Especially that that's not how my mind works. I give my all to those people who need me/my help/whatever, and wholeheartedly. If someone says you're taking advantage me I would not believe that person, because I will always believe you are not.
   
   

Neil, thank you for those comforting words you gave when I was at my lowest this day, ranting about --- the above.

Signs?

As Ruth and I were talking last night, she yet again brought up another realization (we've been doing a lot of that lately, whenever we get the chance to talk). You know, she says. So many things have been going on in your life since you got engaged. It almost seems like you're getting answers for those questions!

I had to agree with her. Yesterday especially was a strange day.

a pleasant surprise

Just last week I was lamenting (to Neil) that this cousin of mine had stopped (no, am exaggerating - minimized is the word) calling, treating us out, and giving freebies (yeah, and these aren't your ordinary freebies - it could go from pan de sal to PDAs). It's because I'm getting married, I told Neil. He didn't expect my life path to turn out this way. He had big plans for me, you see - wanted me to leave the PI and establish a good life somewhere else. But no - since it looked like I was settling down (and worse, here in the PI!), he didn't care anymore. Of course, all those I assumed, while thinking aloud to Neil.

And then yesterday, he gives his wedding gift - a surprisingly big amount of money (well, by our standards, at least). Plus he offers to provide one errand vehicle for the wedding day, and a hotel room where I can change - his treat.

it had me grinning all morning.

and then a bad surprise

My half-brother Ryan texted to tell me Dad's in the hospital. He was shot in the chest last Sunday.

I was alarmed, and had the urge to call Kuya instead of just exchanging texts, but decided not to. What's happened, I ask. I don't know the whole story yet, he replies. But I'll tell you as soon as I get the details. Fortunately, Dad's condition is stable now.

What could have happened? I cannot imagine my dad being a war freak. Am thinking it had something to do with that farm that he manages? I don't know.

I'm just praying everything will be okay.

I couldn't eat properly yesterday, my hands were clammy, and my stomach was turning.

What are the signs telling me?

Early morning madness

For some strange reason, I'm up and about. It's 3:22 am.

Am doing five things at once: downloading MP3s and guitar tablatures, checking mail, writing on my online and print journals. Wanted to take out my guitar from its case and study the tabs already, but my roommate is already fast asleep.

Aaarrggghhhhh.

These quizzes rock!

See which Greek Goddess you are.

See which Greek Goddess you are.

The story

Maiete, this is the story I would have finished had I been in my right mind, ;p

She calls him on his cell. Please come over, she says. There was a note of urgency in her voice. He could not pinpoint it - it looked like there was an emergency. What's wrong? He asks. It's my husband, she says. We're having problems, and I just need someone to talk to. Uh, okay, he says. Let's meet up.

Who is it? asks the woman sitting across him. Oh, it's that girl I met, he explains. She needed someone to talk to.

The woman's brows creased a little. Oh, she mumbles. Okay.

He looks at her. The woman looks away. Inside, he sighs. This could be right, he thinks. But why couldn't it be? Here in front of me is the love of my life. Why does it have to be this way? Life is so complicated! He shakes his head.

He goes out to meet the caller. He finds her sitting in the restaurant, in tears. Apparently, her husband has been having affairs left and right. While she works her ass off, dancing. (Gifu Darling, they call her. She was the most successful of all Japayukis in Gifu City. You had to be a really nice gentleman to have an audience with her.)

She sobs some more. So, what do you want to happen? he asks.

With tears flowing down her cheeks, she says to him, softly: Vengeance.

Can you help me? she implores.

I'm not sure what you're talking about, says he.

Let's have an affair, she says. And she touches his hand. Which he withdraws in an instant.

I'm sorry, he says. And he stands up, and leaves.

Outside the restaurant, he waits for a cab. Though it wasn't that late, there weren't any cabs passing by. He decides to walk home.

So what happened to the guy?

He's decided to search for his soul - and became a monk. Nowadays his heart aches still for that one woman he truly loved, but some things have to be.

Note: This is a work of fiction. These are just scenes Maiete and I have been playing in our minds that night.