Marriage is adjustment.

That's what I learned in my 23 days of being married.

The first week I was crying myself to sleep because of homesickness.

The weeks after I was crying every day because I was having a hard time adjusting. Having someone to hug with during cold, rainy nights or to feet-wrestle with while watching mindless cartoons sure is nice, but there's a lot more to living with someone.

I don't know - perhaps it was because I was so used to living my *own* life. Or perhaps it was because everything seemed to call for a compromise. I never knew compromises could be difficult, too - I mean, it wasn't hard compromising with my former roommate, because each of us gave in (and in the end would be easier to settle). And this fact made it harder for me to adjust.

I wanted to go away. I wanted to spend time with myself - I wanted to think, I wanted to understand, I wanted to heal. I had told Neil - but he held my hand tight and would not let me go. His way of healing.

Evil ever

I am 26% evil.




I try to stay away from evil deeds but succumb to temptation every once in a while. I'm not quite on my way to hell but I certainly have some explaining to do.


Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com

Ever after

Ten days of being married - how has it been?

It's been bliss, because every morning I wake up and have someone beside me. It reminds me of days to come - not alone now, but with someone to share with. It takes some getting used to, but it's a beautiful struggle to begin with.

At night, though, I get these pangs of homesickness...sadness...I can't determine what they are. I've been crying myself to sleep this week. I miss a lot of things, I guess...or perhaps it's still taking some time to sink in.

One thing's for sure: there's still a lot I (or we) have to learn.

Three more (sleepless) nights...

...before the big day.

I pray that everything will go well.

The anatomy of someone who's getting hitched in 12 days

Okay. Let's start from the bottom.

1. Feet. Toes okay - just had a great pedicure last Saturday with Ginny. Soles: so-so. Tired feet most of the time, from all the errands.





2. Lower legs. Veins starting to show. Please, not those varicose-type (Lord, no!).





3. Thighs. Still looking normal. Although I could swear I have cellulites over there.





4. Butt. A little worked out already from all the running around and going up five flight of stairs of our new apartment. Not as worked out as my calves, though.





5. Tummy. Wish it would go away.





6. Stomach. Bloated from all the Ruffles I've been eating. Blasted stress snack. Hmp.





7. Boobies. Getting boobier, said some friends. Augh! I don't want any more of it!!!





8. Arms. God. Still huge. Embarrasingly UNtoned. And dark because they were exposed when I went to the beach.





9. Face. Breaking out. Trying hard to hydrate with water, but I can't sleep well nowadays, so what the hell. Break out all you want, you impish little zits!!!





10. Hair. The only part of my body cooperating well. Thank God for Alex, my six-year hairdresser.





11. Brain. Going bonkers. I can't think properly. I'm losing my organization skills. Ooh, that's bad. Keep forgetting things. Like where I put my brain.








Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!



12 more days 'til the day. Help me God.

Pre-wedding beach trip

It cost a whole night of tampo for Neil and a pair of sandals for me. Neil finally gave me his blessings at half past midnight - which then led me to pack my beach stuff. ;p

Besides being a stress-reliever for me, that beach trip was also a bridal shower cum coming out party. ;p Now we're not only happy, but gay, too!!!

32 more days

...and the nightmares won't stop: the caterer canceling, the makeup artist nowhere to be found, my dress not the one i envisioned it to be, neil super super late, neil not going because he's tinatamad, the mass cut short because everybody was late which led to the choir singing just one song but charged whole payment for that, my mother nagging me because everyone was late.

i need to get away!!! (PAGING NEIL: hint hint...please let me go to the beach this weekend....)

"And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

because your presence still lingers here

and it won't leave me alone.

These wounds won't seem to heal

this pain is just too real

there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears

when you screamed i'd fight away all of your fears

and I held your hand through all of these years

but you still have all of me."

My Immortal, by Evanescence

There. I've captured how you're feeling. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, oh no. I just want you to know that I can also feel your pain, and my (or our, include the people around you) heart aches too. But you know, nothing lasts forever. Not even sadness, not even pain, not even him.

Take things one day at a time. Soon you will find that thin ray of light seeping through the dark of the dawn and everything becomes brilliant. Soon you will hear the laughter of a four-year-old who has just discovered how beautiful the walls look like when they're covered with watercolor. Soon you will find the answers. Soon you will understand. And you will be surprised - it may come to you at that moment when you're doing something mundane.

After all, the rainbow comes after the rain.

We're always here.

DO NOT do these to me please

1. Agree to meet me/make an appointment with me, then cancel out AND lie or make up an excuse for it.
   
2. Really excite me about something that you know is close to my heart just for it to get busted - by you.
   
3. Break your promise/s. Especially if you know me too well that I have a problem with broken promises. And that I myself don't break them.
   
4. Lie to me.
   
5. Take advantage of me. Especially that that's not how my mind works. I give my all to those people who need me/my help/whatever, and wholeheartedly. If someone says you're taking advantage me I would not believe that person, because I will always believe you are not.
   
   

Neil, thank you for those comforting words you gave when I was at my lowest this day, ranting about --- the above.

Signs?

As Ruth and I were talking last night, she yet again brought up another realization (we've been doing a lot of that lately, whenever we get the chance to talk). You know, she says. So many things have been going on in your life since you got engaged. It almost seems like you're getting answers for those questions!

I had to agree with her. Yesterday especially was a strange day.

a pleasant surprise

Just last week I was lamenting (to Neil) that this cousin of mine had stopped (no, am exaggerating - minimized is the word) calling, treating us out, and giving freebies (yeah, and these aren't your ordinary freebies - it could go from pan de sal to PDAs). It's because I'm getting married, I told Neil. He didn't expect my life path to turn out this way. He had big plans for me, you see - wanted me to leave the PI and establish a good life somewhere else. But no - since it looked like I was settling down (and worse, here in the PI!), he didn't care anymore. Of course, all those I assumed, while thinking aloud to Neil.

And then yesterday, he gives his wedding gift - a surprisingly big amount of money (well, by our standards, at least). Plus he offers to provide one errand vehicle for the wedding day, and a hotel room where I can change - his treat.

it had me grinning all morning.

and then a bad surprise

My half-brother Ryan texted to tell me Dad's in the hospital. He was shot in the chest last Sunday.

I was alarmed, and had the urge to call Kuya instead of just exchanging texts, but decided not to. What's happened, I ask. I don't know the whole story yet, he replies. But I'll tell you as soon as I get the details. Fortunately, Dad's condition is stable now.

What could have happened? I cannot imagine my dad being a war freak. Am thinking it had something to do with that farm that he manages? I don't know.

I'm just praying everything will be okay.

I couldn't eat properly yesterday, my hands were clammy, and my stomach was turning.

What are the signs telling me?

Early morning madness

For some strange reason, I'm up and about. It's 3:22 am.

Am doing five things at once: downloading MP3s and guitar tablatures, checking mail, writing on my online and print journals. Wanted to take out my guitar from its case and study the tabs already, but my roommate is already fast asleep.

Aaarrggghhhhh.

These quizzes rock!

See which Greek Goddess you are.

See which Greek Goddess you are.

The story

Maiete, this is the story I would have finished had I been in my right mind, ;p

She calls him on his cell. Please come over, she says. There was a note of urgency in her voice. He could not pinpoint it - it looked like there was an emergency. What's wrong? He asks. It's my husband, she says. We're having problems, and I just need someone to talk to. Uh, okay, he says. Let's meet up.

Who is it? asks the woman sitting across him. Oh, it's that girl I met, he explains. She needed someone to talk to.

The woman's brows creased a little. Oh, she mumbles. Okay.

He looks at her. The woman looks away. Inside, he sighs. This could be right, he thinks. But why couldn't it be? Here in front of me is the love of my life. Why does it have to be this way? Life is so complicated! He shakes his head.

He goes out to meet the caller. He finds her sitting in the restaurant, in tears. Apparently, her husband has been having affairs left and right. While she works her ass off, dancing. (Gifu Darling, they call her. She was the most successful of all Japayukis in Gifu City. You had to be a really nice gentleman to have an audience with her.)

She sobs some more. So, what do you want to happen? he asks.

With tears flowing down her cheeks, she says to him, softly: Vengeance.

Can you help me? she implores.

I'm not sure what you're talking about, says he.

Let's have an affair, she says. And she touches his hand. Which he withdraws in an instant.

I'm sorry, he says. And he stands up, and leaves.

Outside the restaurant, he waits for a cab. Though it wasn't that late, there weren't any cabs passing by. He decides to walk home.

So what happened to the guy?

He's decided to search for his soul - and became a monk. Nowadays his heart aches still for that one woman he truly loved, but some things have to be.

Note: This is a work of fiction. These are just scenes Maiete and I have been playing in our minds that night.

Listen to me, please

I have heartaches, too.

CAREER SHIFT!!!

Behold - the new counselor - moi!!!

I've just noticed that more and more people are drawn to me - my listening skills are really effective.

DOWN it goes

My.morale.

The sun rises

Oh yes it does - and I'm still awake.

Can't sleep. Had too much coffee? Cigarettes? Or perhaps stuck again in that pensive mode?

Now I have the urge to go have breakfast at McDonald's. Yummm - pancakes and sausages. Maybe I'll take the bike. Have its wheels checked first before crossing Ayala to Paseo for that Breakfast McDo.

Maybe. Maybe not.

FOR RAINE

Tonight the stars prepare to celebrate you.


Look at them - a blanket of lights. Some blinking, some brightly lit, others sending a few sparks.


They talk among themselves.


Ready? they say. C'mon, they nudge each other. Let's make this perfect.

Raine -


Tonight, take a peek at the sky.


See the heavens light up.


See them celebrate you.

A very HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you, sweetie.

You have a perfect day tomorrow. =)

[Just one of the sounds of]one heart breaking

Last night, my heart broke.

It was because I heard a story - one so unbelievable, but unfortunately true.

As my friend sobbed, I could feel the pain, too - and it hurt. Fucking hurt.

Apparently, her boyfriend of eight years has been abusing her - verbally - for some time now. Last night, for example, she received a text message: "Where are you? Are you out having sex with your boys again?"

He does that every time she goes out - regardless of the nature of the activity. Be it dinner with friends, choir practice, an office event.

I asked her what could be the reason why he does that - perhaps there might have been some thing in the past that had happened. Implying of course that perhaps there was a valid reason for him to get jealous that way. And she says none.

He's the one who has that history, that past, she says. And now it appears like it was I who did all those things, she laments.

And she sobs. And sobs.

It breaks my heart.

Moreso for her.

Wise words from Rainer Maria Rilke

"...have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."