Out with the bad, in with the good ones

After almost a month of whining and worrying, I finally decided: this has got to stop (gosh, wasn't that too long???).

The whining and worrying, I mean. The other circumstances I cannot control, so I am just going to do what I can do.

1. I am 90% resigned that I can't get a job (transfer employment) now that I'm pregnant. Besides, people keep telling me to stop already - the effort of going to interviews and finding out later on that they can't/won't hire me because of the pregnancy is futile. So fuck them already.
   
   
2. Even if I'm not getting paid now, I will still get paid. I will just look forward to that day - and stop fretting over the past two months that I didn't get any moolah.
   
   
3. I will focus instead on my pregnancy, and motherhood. That's my new mantra. I will now keep a new journal for this (hmm, that journal given to me by John two Christmases ago is just perfect - it's themed "new beginnings"!).
   
   
4. I will start writing again.
   
   
5. I will *finally* organize our wedding pictures (yes, June and Bituin, finally). Why did it take me so long? Because now I can laugh about the eventful day. The good thing is, I can do part of it in the office! Yay! (For those who are wondering - we're not doing anything in the office at all. Everyone else is doing their own business. My boss is painting some craft thingy for her son, another team member is printing his own cookbook using the office printer, another is doing a paper for her MBA. Great, huh.)
   
   

See, there's so much good stuff to do?

Wish me luck. =)

Marketing and Me, not MFEO?

Realization. Yesterday, after a long time of wondering what I can do in this field (and vise versa), I suddenly realized: maybe I'm not made for this after all.

Maybe it's the circumstances. Because I'm so disappointed with my current job, not learning anything significant at all about marketing and its principles as I'd expected I would. And then what with the company ready to close down, what can I expect to learn here?

Maybe it's about hearing the truth. When the CEO of the company I used to work for interviewed me again for a marketing position, he had mentioned something that made me reconsider the (career) path I'm taking now. He had thought that I was cut out to be a writer, and that I was serious and passionate about my craft - and now was wondering why I was into marketing.

Maybe it's the circumstances (again). Friends are offering me writing jobs left and right - as if they never realized that for the last three months I had decided to try marketing. It was as if nothing had changed.

Maybe it's the disposition. The silent, reserved person working away on my PC, bringing to life words that were meant to live.

Maybe it's not marketing.

When it rains, it pours

I hate to have to vent this out in my blog, but what the hell.

Three things:

• The company closing down
  
• The company not paying its employees (and no definite date when - or if they will be able to after it closes down!)
  
• No companies hiring pregnant women
  
  

I need a miracle.

In the meantime, I'd just go on cross-stitching this cute little birth announcement thingy for my baby. Yup, that's what I'm doing AT WORK. Ain't it cool? Nothing to do anyways.

Absenteeism

...is one indication that an employee is not happy anymore with the company.

I didn't go to work today. I'm happy.

Neil says that if by the end of the week I don't get my pay, I should hand in my resignation letter.

Will I be able to find a job then?

Help me God.

Need: new job ASAP

Still haven't got paycheck. Not doing anything fulfilling at work. No sense of passion for job. Need I say more?

Although I already have prospects for my next possible employment, there's still the bulging issue - my pregnancy. Who would hire a pregnant woman? Of course, am hoping they would. Praying really hard.

So please say a little prayer for me too.

Quarter-life

Yup! 25 it is.

I spent my birthday with this feeling of - I can't place it properly - sublimity. I guess it had something to do with preparing for motherhood, while still trying to be career-oriented...at 25. I know I shouldn't burden myself with these issues now...so am trying...

Anyway, I spent a quiet day at home with Neil (had him file a 'birthday-of-wife' leave from the office, hehehe). Then we had dinner with very close friends - only a few of them. I guess I didn't feel like celebrating with a blast this year - mostly because I get tired too easily and might not enjoy a rowdy night.

Birthday wish? A normal and healthy baby. Yup, as one friend put it - Olats ka na. Sa baby mo na lahat. Hehehe.

Oh, and before I end this post - many thanks to the people who did not forget. =)

Late post-holiday post (whatever)

As soon as 2003 ended I started to think what to write in my blog. I had a million thoughts in my head - but I had to fall ill. Damnit. I was sick after Christmas and right through New Year's Eve and a few days after that. Disabled. Couldn't even sit up long enough to type.

Thanks to April she had this list of questions on her blog...and I thought, why not? Makes things easier for me, too. ;p

Here they are:

1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?

Went to a gay bar. Got married. (Wait. That's two totally different occasions!)

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Uh, no...

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, Ginny.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No, thank God.

5. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?

A child? Hehehe. Am having my first this year.

6. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

May 31 of course! My wedding day. No dad, no choir, one maid-of-honor less, a borrowed flower girl...sigh. Ask anyone who was present.

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Finally get hitched...? Hehehe.

8. What was your biggest failure?

Deciding to get out of OHSI.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Gastritis

10. What was the best thing you bought?

11. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Neil's.

12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Rex, at one point.

13. Where did most of your money go?

Preps for the wedding: facials, beauty stuff, dinners

14. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Friends coming home to attend the wedding

15. What song/album will always remind you of 2003?

Norah Jones

16. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder?

Sadder. Last year was family reunion year so I was always out.

17. Thinner or Fatter?

Is pregnancy fat?

18. Richer or poorer?

A little richer, but feeling I've lost a lot.

9. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Go out

20. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Worrying

21. Did you fall in love in 2003?

Hmmm, yes, again

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Six Feet Under. Sex and the City came when I was too disabled because of my first trimester, so I didn't get to enjoy it.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No, still hate the same old people, heehee

24. What was the best book you read?

Girl With a Pearl Earring

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Maksim

26. What did you want and get?

Confirmations...

27. What did you want and not get?

More time

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

FInding Nemo?

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Spent with whole clan, first time to introduce Neil to the kin. Had fever. Then treated friends to Chilli's. 24 years.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A nicer wedding.

5. Who did you miss?

Hazel, for my wedding.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Uh, John's best friend Dick perhaps?

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003:

Patience is really the key.

Found my soul?


You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

Holiday frenzy - not

Nine days before christmas - and everyone's running around ticking off their christmas lists.

Not me!

Am disabled, and broke. Eek. Bad combination.

My doctor had one prescription for me: no malling. Imagine that!!! She said I can only go around after the holidays. Wah. It's just that the baby's been moving around a lot (i.e., my tummy's contracting) - that's why I need a lot of rest.

And then - they haven't paid me yet. Yup, delayed salary. That, plus I haven't received my last pay from OHSI yet. Equals one dukha person.

Sigh. This is the poorest I have ever been.

Really, get me out of here, please!

I'm not happy.

I don't know if it's too early to tell, but the co. has so far unimpressed me. Besides doing blah work for a month now, I'm not learning anything. At all.

And it's not as petty as the guard logging my every move, or the deductions from my 10-minute tardiness, or the warnings I get.

It just doesn't work for me.

And Neil won't believe me. Aarrrggghhh!

Pleaasssseee I want out.

I miss my YM days...

The very first thing I did when I entered my new job was to download the Yahoo Messenger program.

Alas - it was in vain. They did not allow chatting in my new office.

I told myself - it's okay; maybe it's time I lessened my online time. I should be okay with sending email to my friends.

It's driving me crazy!

I feel so out touch. I don't know what's going on with the world anymore. And, they don't know what's going on with me.

I've lost my touch with adjectives and expletives. Gone were the days when one single *status message* can stir up five hours of conversation with different people. Now I can't even precisely describe what I'm feeling (or maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, I don't know).

Micaela (Depresaka): Take me away from here!

Bored

Uh-huh. Am bored bored bored.

I don't know if it's just my hormones (yeah I've been miserable lately).

Bored bored bored.

We're pregnant!

Yes we are! =) Sneaky baby, I tell you. Never thought I'd conceive that soon. ;p The little one's five weeks now.

So far it's been the toilet bowl and me who've been sharing my recent mom experiences. Blech. Five to seven times a day, who can beat that?

Aaaaah. I hope this puking galore stops soon. Grow up fast, little one, or mom will have to look like the toilet bowl soon.

;p

A place where the heartache is worth it

Today is my last day of employment with OHSI.

Everyone got together for lunch. Two things: Rey's birthday, and my sendoff (it was sorta weird to read "Happy Birthday, Rey" and "Good luck, Mica" on the same cake, but what the heck, that's how it is there - it's all about sharing).

I was asked to speak. As I was doing so, I began to realize that - there was so much I wanted to thank the people and the organization for. The Web Team had special mention of course - without saying it, they had kept me going. (I almost broke down when my gaze met Liza's but I kept my poise for the sake of more than half the org - now composed of newbies and temps - who would have the last impression of me as strange and emotional.)

And then the president, Doji, spoke. Now that is one person who could say so much in just a short span of time. He traced my stay at OHSI, promptly detailing the significant events in my life as a team member. What was more amazing was that - he remembered what my goals were at that time that I entered the org, thereby ending his speech with the mention of the "legacy" I was leaving OHSI - the org's e-zine that I had EIC'd.

It took me until 930pm to finish arranging my files. I don't know if I was stalling (now I realize that I guess I was).

It pains me so much leaving OHSI. But I guess when something ends, something else begins.

Smelly people

I took Friday afternoon off to go to UP Diliman. I had to go apply for my LOA (again, arrrgggghhhh) and apply for my transcript. I brought along my good friend John.

Because I promised John that one day I'd take him to UP and tour him around, that afternoon was the best time for us to do it. Since he wasn't doing anything (at all), and I was kinda going to go around the campus because of the filing and paying and lining up, I figured it was best he went around campus that way - with a lot of walking, climbing stairs, waiting on steps, riding the ikot.

First stop was at Vidal Tan Hall, where the UP Open University office was located. John was thirsty, so I led him to the canteen, which - was not there anymore. I remembered there was a manang selling soft drinks at the back of the Faculty Center, so I led him there. Whaaat? he screeched (well not really, but he almost did). I'm going to drink there?

I would have loved to tease him and said yes, you're going to sit there along with the tambays. But I took pity on his pretty albeit sweaty face, so we just bought a bottle of Mountain Dew and walked back to the NISMED area, where he sat down the steps and decided to wait for me there while I run upstairs.

Next, we walked to the OUR. It was a looonnngg walk, since the OUR has been transferred to a far far faraway place. I had him sit down to rest while the Cashier screamed at me for being frikkin' late.

I then thought it was a good idea to take him to Crowded House. Off we went, towards the back of Vinzon's Hall. Ooops. Crowded House was - closed.

Instead, there were people there - lots of them. Some unloading from jeepneys and buses, some setting up a stage, others just sitting down. What is this? John asks. Sssssh, I motioned, as I led him away. What? he asks. And we had barely passed by every one of them when he commented, there's a certain smell here...

I tensed up. I took quicker steps and he followed. Don't say that! I warned him. We might end up bloody and barely alive!

What, what? he asked again. Sigh.

We just walked into a large group of rallyists preparing for the Bush arrival the next day. And my good friend had just called them smelly people. I could only shake my head.

We dropped by Balay Kalinaw, where the UP Press bookstore was located. John bought around P500 worth of books. I had nothing to do with it.

We planned to have dinner at Chocolate Kiss with Abi, Liza, and V - but before we did, we passed by the Shopping Center. John bought a pair of Mojos. Again, I had nothing to do with it.

Finally, dinner. We stuffed ourselves full. (By the way, thanks Liza for the dessert!!!)

Sigh. What a fine day that was.

At the end of the day, John and I were the smelly people from all the walking and sweating.

Moving on

Yesterday I gave my resignation letter to my boss.

I never heard the end of it from Leah and Miguel, as they tortured me the whole day, hoping I'd change my mind - or die from guilt.

It was not an easy decision.

Shifting to a (majorly) different path was one thing; leaving the company (most importantly, the people I became good friends with) was another.

Yes, it took me a painfully long time to finally find it in my heart to "abandon" (although not entirely) my craft, and turn to Marketing (my newfound competence, so to speak). It wasn't after much convincing by some of my friends that I could always write anytime that I stopped worrying about it.

And then there are the people I've grown to love. Three years of friendship and loyalty and support; triumphs and failures; laughter and tears (however personal or work-related) - this is something I can never exchange. And then I realized - this doesn't have to end. We can always continue to share these friendships even when we've all moved on.

On November 11, I'll be starting my new job. I'll be putting on a different face (Marketing and business attire - gasp!).

I just hope I like (and eventually, will love) what I'll be doing.

Wish me luck.

Happy and gay

Who said that men weren't nice? And kind, and gentle, and proper...and opened doors for you...and held your elbow when you crossed the street? And told you that you have more blush on your right cheek than your left...and watched a musical with you, and knew the words and what it was all about (and sang "I'm so pretty" with you)? And remembered that you didn't like vegetables and thought about putting them aside? And laughed with you hard even if your poise gets a little distorted because your mouth is wide open in genuine laughter and your arms are flailing up in the air for more drama?

Last Friday I went out with two male friends. Actually, one male friend and his date. Upon my enthusiasm (and insistence), I went out with them to watch a mini-Broadway production of Monique Wilson. Admittedly at first I thought I'd be the odd man out - I was wrong.

It didn't take a long time warming up to my friend's date. I think it started when we both asked the same question at once ("Are Kuh and Monique still together?"). Ah, yes. Showbiz is happy and gay, too. It didn't stop there.

No matter how shamelessly (o-kay, mildly then) they flirted with each other, I had a hell of a time with them. Just watching them like that, au naturel, made my night. They were two very true people.

Thank God for gay men.

"...Is there a sign painted on our faces that says 'sex, sex, sex'? If there's anything at all that's written on our faces, it's probably solitude." - Ronald Baytan (from Bongga Ka, Day!)

Should I stay or should I go?

I have a a final interview this Monday for a marketing job. Actually, we're already going to negotiate my salary.

I've been thinking it over this week. If it had been a job offered to me three months ago I would have grabbed the opportunity to get out.

I don't know why, but suddenly I have this nagging feeling that I should review my options again.

I found out it was because of this fear - fear that I'd be slowly veering away from my craft. The fact that it's a marketing job says it all. I still will write - boring press releases and newsletter stuff - but there's nothing like doing it full time, y'know?

Sigh. I hope I make the right decision.

Have you ever...?

...felt so sad that you don't know you are shutting out everything around you, including the person smiling right in front of you? So sad that you don't hear your phone ringing; so sad that you don't realize it's tears falling down your face and not rain?

...felt so low that no matter how much effort you put into something your output still spells disaster? So low that you've forgotten you can speak up and be heard?

...felt so numb you don't feel the hunger anymore? So numb that your five-hour headache is disguisingly comforting?

...

I'm the cornflower blue donkey

Ass is more like it (sorry, Eeyore).

I must have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed (well, I'm on the wrong side of the bed, actually. Neil sleeps on the side nearest the wall - I don't know how we got into these sleeping places). It must have been my week-long cranky mood. Or maybe it's the crawling red ants that keep on coming back no matter how much Baygon I spray. Maybe it's the stressful living condition that we have - we realized we don't have such a perfect home, with the water leakage, the [non-existence of an] elevator, the frikkin ants, the not-so-helpful maintenance guy.

And then one bad thing led to another and another and now my husband and I ain't talking to each other.

There. The raincloud hovering above me.

Rockin weekend

Guess what I was doing last Friday at 7PM?

I was with Neil and John, on the waiting shed in front of MSE Ayala, slightly wet because of the downpour. Waiting for the Quiapo bus.

We were going to Sanctum Intramuros to see Cynthia Alexander. John was complaining - "I'm not a die-hard fan!" - he wouldn't have been braving the rains for Cynthia.

So anyway, we boarded the bus. Good thing we were seated (or else I wouldn't hear the end of it from John). Neil fell asleep, John was absorbed in reading his Harry Potter 5 on his PDA, and I was left staring at my hand.

We got off at the Quiapo church, and took the jeep to the pier. I swear we looked like the three very lost wise men...we were dressed up and looking so dignified - riding the jeep and inhaling the polluted Manila air. All that for Cynthia.

Since we were on Patty's guest list, we got good seats in the house. Patty, tipsy and all, humiliated me by telling Cynthia I was the stalker. I was horrified. I mean, if I were the artist I'd stay away from stalkers, right. Grrr. Anyway, when the show ended, I was already humiliated that I didn't want to line up for the CD signing. I had John go up and do it.

John, the good friend that he is, pointed to me and said - "There's Mica! This was all her idea. There's your stalker!". God! I had to stand, go up, and meet her.

It wasn't as horrifying as I thought it would be. She wrote, on the CD jacket, "daghang salamat, Mica...wouldn't have explored so far". Awww. Ain't that great? ;p

Anyway...Saturday we spent the day with Neil's tita (and tito). It felt good talking to two old married couples - the insight you can get from them!

Sunday...well I was dreading French class. I felt I didn't do my homework right, and I had a gnawing feeling that my professeur would call on me - again and again and again - like he always does. It turned out that I was the only one who got it right! Nice surprise.

Now I wish the weekend was longer...

To Raine

Thanks for your message, sweetie! Don't worry about not making it to our wedding. I know you wanted so much to be there - just like most of the people who didn't make it, because of the events of the day (oh, if you haven't heard of it, I've provided a short account for you below).

As for married life - well, all I can say is, there's so much we still have to learn. What we had six years ago isn't what it is now that we're married. It is just so different from those dating stages! I'm especially struggling trying to be a good partner (hmm, note the choice of word here - wife is just too sexist for me! haha) - I mean, I've been so independent my whole life and I've valued (and practiced) my individuality. Oh, you won't imagine how now I've been wreaking disaster after disaster - from forgetting the bills, to cooking with the wrong ingredients, to not putting fabric conditioner on the laundry, to everything domestic! Sometimes I doubt if I will ever, at least, get the hang of it.

On the other hand, there's someone I come home to. You know what's weird? I feel this is a new love, you know? Like we're re-learning how to love. Everything feels like first time. It's thrilling and at the same time, challenging. You know how you first find someone and fall in love? Everything that comes with that - it's happening all over again.

Hmm. You're the only person who hasn't asked about an offspring in the making! Hehehe. No, we're not having one yet. Maybe in the next year or two. (Thank God my mom has Tabitha! Tabitha's our dog. She adores my mom - and vice versa! If it weren't for Tab, I'm sure mom's forcing me to have a kid NOW NA. Hehe.)

Come over some time. I'll play your good hostess and Neil will play the typical husband, just sitting in front of the TV while conversing with you. Hahaha.

We're arranging and collating our wedding pics. Will send you some soon. =)

Oh - what happened during the wedding? A gas tanker was lying in the middle of South Superhighway that fateful day. Authorities were afraid it might explode, so they had traffic rerouting. Our guests took different routes - inside the busting Laguna towns, service roads, dirt roads, and most of them going back to Manila and going through Cavite and Tagaytay to get to Laguna, just like the LFers did. The church was barely filled; half of the entourage were stuck in traffic. My father did not arrive. We borrowed a flower girl. I was crying like crazy in the bridal car, I didn't care anymore if my makeup ran, and my veil kept falling. There was no music. My photographer arrived after the ceremonies, as well as most of my family. Guests arrived in batches during the reception. The choir arrived at 8pm. Ginny, my good friend and maid-of-honor, was an angel - she did a great job handling the church and reception activities. One veil sponsor and another maid-of-honor (thank God I had two!) arrived at 1245 in the morning.

Such an eventful day! I wonder what's in store for us in the next years...;p

Now I know where to go searching when I'm lost...

You come from the Ocean. You've always been drawn
to the sea, the sound of the waves, the crystal
blue water, near the sea is where you belong.


Where Did Your Soul Originate?
brought to you by Quizilla

Lazy monday

Aaaaah. The moment I woke up I dreaded coming to work. Weekends are just not enough!

I spent the whole of Saturday cleaning our home. By the time I finished, I had to prepare for Saturday night's G. Had I finished earlier, I would have entertained June at home, visited Cam after, then on to Parañaque for the dinner. But no! I could not anymore - I'm losing my powers. And then I had to compromise Saturday dinner over Six Feet Under. Sigh. Well, it's not every day that we get to spend time like last Saturday's dinner, so I won't complain. ;p

Sunday - well I spent most of the day sleeping. The Hub and I went out at 7pm to hear mass at Greenbelt. We had to rush home to catch Will and Grace (hmm, am too hooked on TV already!). Spent the rest of Sunday scouring the papers and the Net for jobs. No success. =(

If the weekend were longer, I would have:

• arranged photos: both old ones and our wedding pics (they're complete now, finally!)
  
• covered my books
  
• rearranged my closet (yes, it's still disorganized)
  
• downloaded MP3s
  
• prepared cards for snail mail (calling Neil...you haven't cut out the cards yet, honey...grrr)
  
• spaced out!
  
  

Sigh. Mondays suck.

Raging hormones

What the - I've not been blogging for almost a month now and I talk about my hormones???

Yes, unfortunately this is the big update of my life.

How blah can I get.

Next week, I promise. There'll be less of these and more of LIFE! (Yay.)

Marriage is adjustment.

That's what I learned in my 23 days of being married.

The first week I was crying myself to sleep because of homesickness.

The weeks after I was crying every day because I was having a hard time adjusting. Having someone to hug with during cold, rainy nights or to feet-wrestle with while watching mindless cartoons sure is nice, but there's a lot more to living with someone.

I don't know - perhaps it was because I was so used to living my *own* life. Or perhaps it was because everything seemed to call for a compromise. I never knew compromises could be difficult, too - I mean, it wasn't hard compromising with my former roommate, because each of us gave in (and in the end would be easier to settle). And this fact made it harder for me to adjust.

I wanted to go away. I wanted to spend time with myself - I wanted to think, I wanted to understand, I wanted to heal. I had told Neil - but he held my hand tight and would not let me go. His way of healing.

Evil ever

I am 26% evil.




I try to stay away from evil deeds but succumb to temptation every once in a while. I'm not quite on my way to hell but I certainly have some explaining to do.


Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com

Ever after

Ten days of being married - how has it been?

It's been bliss, because every morning I wake up and have someone beside me. It reminds me of days to come - not alone now, but with someone to share with. It takes some getting used to, but it's a beautiful struggle to begin with.

At night, though, I get these pangs of homesickness...sadness...I can't determine what they are. I've been crying myself to sleep this week. I miss a lot of things, I guess...or perhaps it's still taking some time to sink in.

One thing's for sure: there's still a lot I (or we) have to learn.

Three more (sleepless) nights...

...before the big day.

I pray that everything will go well.

The anatomy of someone who's getting hitched in 12 days

Okay. Let's start from the bottom.

1. Feet. Toes okay - just had a great pedicure last Saturday with Ginny. Soles: so-so. Tired feet most of the time, from all the errands.





2. Lower legs. Veins starting to show. Please, not those varicose-type (Lord, no!).





3. Thighs. Still looking normal. Although I could swear I have cellulites over there.





4. Butt. A little worked out already from all the running around and going up five flight of stairs of our new apartment. Not as worked out as my calves, though.





5. Tummy. Wish it would go away.





6. Stomach. Bloated from all the Ruffles I've been eating. Blasted stress snack. Hmp.





7. Boobies. Getting boobier, said some friends. Augh! I don't want any more of it!!!





8. Arms. God. Still huge. Embarrasingly UNtoned. And dark because they were exposed when I went to the beach.





9. Face. Breaking out. Trying hard to hydrate with water, but I can't sleep well nowadays, so what the hell. Break out all you want, you impish little zits!!!





10. Hair. The only part of my body cooperating well. Thank God for Alex, my six-year hairdresser.





11. Brain. Going bonkers. I can't think properly. I'm losing my organization skills. Ooh, that's bad. Keep forgetting things. Like where I put my brain.








Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!



12 more days 'til the day. Help me God.

Pre-wedding beach trip

It cost a whole night of tampo for Neil and a pair of sandals for me. Neil finally gave me his blessings at half past midnight - which then led me to pack my beach stuff. ;p

Besides being a stress-reliever for me, that beach trip was also a bridal shower cum coming out party. ;p Now we're not only happy, but gay, too!!!

32 more days

...and the nightmares won't stop: the caterer canceling, the makeup artist nowhere to be found, my dress not the one i envisioned it to be, neil super super late, neil not going because he's tinatamad, the mass cut short because everybody was late which led to the choir singing just one song but charged whole payment for that, my mother nagging me because everyone was late.

i need to get away!!! (PAGING NEIL: hint hint...please let me go to the beach this weekend....)

"And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

because your presence still lingers here

and it won't leave me alone.

These wounds won't seem to heal

this pain is just too real

there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears

when you screamed i'd fight away all of your fears

and I held your hand through all of these years

but you still have all of me."

My Immortal, by Evanescence

There. I've captured how you're feeling. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, oh no. I just want you to know that I can also feel your pain, and my (or our, include the people around you) heart aches too. But you know, nothing lasts forever. Not even sadness, not even pain, not even him.

Take things one day at a time. Soon you will find that thin ray of light seeping through the dark of the dawn and everything becomes brilliant. Soon you will hear the laughter of a four-year-old who has just discovered how beautiful the walls look like when they're covered with watercolor. Soon you will find the answers. Soon you will understand. And you will be surprised - it may come to you at that moment when you're doing something mundane.

After all, the rainbow comes after the rain.

We're always here.

DO NOT do these to me please

1. Agree to meet me/make an appointment with me, then cancel out AND lie or make up an excuse for it.
   
2. Really excite me about something that you know is close to my heart just for it to get busted - by you.
   
3. Break your promise/s. Especially if you know me too well that I have a problem with broken promises. And that I myself don't break them.
   
4. Lie to me.
   
5. Take advantage of me. Especially that that's not how my mind works. I give my all to those people who need me/my help/whatever, and wholeheartedly. If someone says you're taking advantage me I would not believe that person, because I will always believe you are not.
   
   

Neil, thank you for those comforting words you gave when I was at my lowest this day, ranting about --- the above.

Signs?

As Ruth and I were talking last night, she yet again brought up another realization (we've been doing a lot of that lately, whenever we get the chance to talk). You know, she says. So many things have been going on in your life since you got engaged. It almost seems like you're getting answers for those questions!

I had to agree with her. Yesterday especially was a strange day.

a pleasant surprise

Just last week I was lamenting (to Neil) that this cousin of mine had stopped (no, am exaggerating - minimized is the word) calling, treating us out, and giving freebies (yeah, and these aren't your ordinary freebies - it could go from pan de sal to PDAs). It's because I'm getting married, I told Neil. He didn't expect my life path to turn out this way. He had big plans for me, you see - wanted me to leave the PI and establish a good life somewhere else. But no - since it looked like I was settling down (and worse, here in the PI!), he didn't care anymore. Of course, all those I assumed, while thinking aloud to Neil.

And then yesterday, he gives his wedding gift - a surprisingly big amount of money (well, by our standards, at least). Plus he offers to provide one errand vehicle for the wedding day, and a hotel room where I can change - his treat.

it had me grinning all morning.

and then a bad surprise

My half-brother Ryan texted to tell me Dad's in the hospital. He was shot in the chest last Sunday.

I was alarmed, and had the urge to call Kuya instead of just exchanging texts, but decided not to. What's happened, I ask. I don't know the whole story yet, he replies. But I'll tell you as soon as I get the details. Fortunately, Dad's condition is stable now.

What could have happened? I cannot imagine my dad being a war freak. Am thinking it had something to do with that farm that he manages? I don't know.

I'm just praying everything will be okay.

I couldn't eat properly yesterday, my hands were clammy, and my stomach was turning.

What are the signs telling me?

Early morning madness

For some strange reason, I'm up and about. It's 3:22 am.

Am doing five things at once: downloading MP3s and guitar tablatures, checking mail, writing on my online and print journals. Wanted to take out my guitar from its case and study the tabs already, but my roommate is already fast asleep.

Aaarrggghhhhh.

These quizzes rock!

See which Greek Goddess you are.

See which Greek Goddess you are.

The story

Maiete, this is the story I would have finished had I been in my right mind, ;p

She calls him on his cell. Please come over, she says. There was a note of urgency in her voice. He could not pinpoint it - it looked like there was an emergency. What's wrong? He asks. It's my husband, she says. We're having problems, and I just need someone to talk to. Uh, okay, he says. Let's meet up.

Who is it? asks the woman sitting across him. Oh, it's that girl I met, he explains. She needed someone to talk to.

The woman's brows creased a little. Oh, she mumbles. Okay.

He looks at her. The woman looks away. Inside, he sighs. This could be right, he thinks. But why couldn't it be? Here in front of me is the love of my life. Why does it have to be this way? Life is so complicated! He shakes his head.

He goes out to meet the caller. He finds her sitting in the restaurant, in tears. Apparently, her husband has been having affairs left and right. While she works her ass off, dancing. (Gifu Darling, they call her. She was the most successful of all Japayukis in Gifu City. You had to be a really nice gentleman to have an audience with her.)

She sobs some more. So, what do you want to happen? he asks.

With tears flowing down her cheeks, she says to him, softly: Vengeance.

Can you help me? she implores.

I'm not sure what you're talking about, says he.

Let's have an affair, she says. And she touches his hand. Which he withdraws in an instant.

I'm sorry, he says. And he stands up, and leaves.

Outside the restaurant, he waits for a cab. Though it wasn't that late, there weren't any cabs passing by. He decides to walk home.

So what happened to the guy?

He's decided to search for his soul - and became a monk. Nowadays his heart aches still for that one woman he truly loved, but some things have to be.

Note: This is a work of fiction. These are just scenes Maiete and I have been playing in our minds that night.

Listen to me, please

I have heartaches, too.

CAREER SHIFT!!!

Behold - the new counselor - moi!!!

I've just noticed that more and more people are drawn to me - my listening skills are really effective.

DOWN it goes

My.morale.

The sun rises

Oh yes it does - and I'm still awake.

Can't sleep. Had too much coffee? Cigarettes? Or perhaps stuck again in that pensive mode?

Now I have the urge to go have breakfast at McDonald's. Yummm - pancakes and sausages. Maybe I'll take the bike. Have its wheels checked first before crossing Ayala to Paseo for that Breakfast McDo.

Maybe. Maybe not.

FOR RAINE

Tonight the stars prepare to celebrate you.


Look at them - a blanket of lights. Some blinking, some brightly lit, others sending a few sparks.


They talk among themselves.


Ready? they say. C'mon, they nudge each other. Let's make this perfect.

Raine -


Tonight, take a peek at the sky.


See the heavens light up.


See them celebrate you.

A very HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you, sweetie.

You have a perfect day tomorrow. =)

[Just one of the sounds of]one heart breaking

Last night, my heart broke.

It was because I heard a story - one so unbelievable, but unfortunately true.

As my friend sobbed, I could feel the pain, too - and it hurt. Fucking hurt.

Apparently, her boyfriend of eight years has been abusing her - verbally - for some time now. Last night, for example, she received a text message: "Where are you? Are you out having sex with your boys again?"

He does that every time she goes out - regardless of the nature of the activity. Be it dinner with friends, choir practice, an office event.

I asked her what could be the reason why he does that - perhaps there might have been some thing in the past that had happened. Implying of course that perhaps there was a valid reason for him to get jealous that way. And she says none.

He's the one who has that history, that past, she says. And now it appears like it was I who did all those things, she laments.

And she sobs. And sobs.

It breaks my heart.

Moreso for her.

Wise words from Rainer Maria Rilke

"...have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

I am virginal???

Took this test - got the link from Raine's blog. Check it out!

take the virgin-whore dichotomy quiz.


and go to mewing.net. where we're all studs.

World peace

This time it's not just any beauty contestant's wish.

"Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans."

--John Lennon

Life's a bitch

Man. She can't beat me.

Home

Is this home, is this where I should learn to be happy? Never dreamed that a home would be dark and cold. I was told every day in my childhood, even when we grow old - home will be where the heart is, never a word so true. My heart’s far, far away, home is, too. Is this home, is this what I must learn to believe in? Try to find something good in this tragic place? Just in case I should stay here forever, held in this empty space - oh but that won’t be easy, I know the reason why. My heart’s far, far away, home’s a lie. What I’d give to return to the life that I knew lately! But I know, but I can’t solve my problems going back. Is this home? Am I here for a day or forever? Shut away from the world until who knows when? Oh but when has my life has been altered once it can change again. Build higher walls around me, change every lock and key. Nothing lasts, nothing holds all of me.

My heart’s far, far away, home and free.

-Belle, Beauty and the Beast

I wish I knew, too.

Pamanhikan

Yesterday our families met with each other.

Today - I'm glad we've done what we were supposed to do.

It was a tense-filled day! At least preparing for the pamanhikan.

When I woke up yesterday morning, I didn't want to attend french classes. As soon as I heard mom's voice piping in from the kitchen asking about the day's big event, it prompted me to get out of bed and go to class. (Besides, it was our last day, so I had to go say au revoir et merci beaucoup to Madame Audrain who had been so pleasant calling on me every single french class.)

But, no! While in class, my cell wouldn't stop. Mom. Neil. My Tita Pearl. Dad. Asking about the event. Stressing about it.

Went home briefly during lunch to drop my things, then went off to meet V and Maiete for Divisoria trip. Aaah, what therapy! Was kept busy looking for materials for my bridal dress. And since I was mazing in and out of the buildings in Ilaya and Tabora streets, my phone's signal was fluctuating. No one bothered me.

On my way home it started again, with Mom calling me on my cell. Where are you? She was freaking out.

At exactly six in the evening, Neil and his parents were knocking on the door. Ack! I was just about to finish dressing up. Of course Mom wouldn't stop trying to make me hurry up. And, she burst into her teacher mode, speaking in that annoying tone and in straight English. Gaad.

It was good that the atmosphere warmed up when we were seated at the restaurant. We were there for four hours.

The event went well, relatively. Quite surprised with myself - I was calm and collected during the whole thing. ;p

Three months until the day!

when i saw the break of day

i wished that i could fly away

instead of kneeling in the sand

catching teardrops in my hand

"Don't Know Why", Norah Jones

0917 8457086

That is the number of this guy who's been bothering me for two weeks now.

His first call - he was looking for Maui. I told him he had the wrong number.

His second, it was 4am the next day.

He would let my phone ring.

Three in the morning (while I was at the beach), he called me. And then wouldn't speak on the phone.

Today at 230 he called up. He wouldn't say a word. I called him up.

Sorry, just wondering where I got your number, he says.

Well I don't know! I say. I've already told you I wasn't Maui, so why do you still keep on calling me?

He tries to apologize. I give him more of that don't give me that B.S. thing.

He goes on to text me: can we be friends, then?

Cheapo.

Grrrr.

A most unusual (but great, nevertheless) beach trip

That was a very pleasant beach trip we had during the weekend.

As usual, it was John and me again, and everyone had their excuses. Hmp.

We left Manila at around 430 in the morning. First surprise: we arrived at the Batangas City pier a little before 630 - which let us board the 630 outrigger boat to White Beach. At 8am we found our perfect nipa hut (airconditioned, mind you), and at 9 we had finished our breakfast. First activity for the day?

Sleep, of course! Until around 1pm. When we were finally fully awake, we changed into our beach attires and headed for the shore. While I was lying down sunning myself, John was out in the water, wading nearby. Soon he was talking to this guy (who looked like he was trying to pick up John). I later found out that the guy's name was Raymond (as he was introduced to me).

Later that night, we saw Raymond again, hanging out with a couple-friend of his. He offered his seat to us. At first we declined, but he was too nice and insisted that we have a seat, so we did. I could tell he was curious about John and me (well, more about John ;p). I found out that he was a freelance scriptwriter.

Soon Raymond retired (I don't know where), and we were left watching the rest of the beautiful gay people around the bar. We got a little bored, so we decided to hang out in our hut for a while, and then go out again later (when hopefully there will be more beautiful people). But no! As soon as we hit the bed, we fell asleep. Fast.

Woke up early the next morning (another surprise), had breakfast (and I saw a classmate from college), and - went back to sleep. Woke up at noon, hung out the beach (I had a massage), John collected stones, Raymond came over for a little chat again, and then lunch.

As we were lining up for the boat ride back to Batangas, Raymond came running. Hitch with my couple-friends, he said. Uh, okay, we reply (a little cold and uncomfortable). Hmm, I told John. Your charms REALLY work.

We ended up hitching with Raymond's friends. They were a nice couple. It was from them that we found out that Raymond was an award-winning scriptwriter (Tanging Yaman, Anak). He was Raymond Lee.

As the weekend ended, John and I kept on thinking, how come nothing went wrong during this trip?

I can only mutter a word of thanks. It was a pretty darn good beach trip.

"Seize the moment of excited curiosity on any subject to solve your doubts; for if you let it pass, the desire may never return..." - William Wirt, American lawyer

If you really knew me, and years from now would try to recall one distinct character of mine, what would it be?

One of two things: the passion I have for things (especially the things I love); or, my lust for learning.

I don't know where I get the passion from, but I've just been this way with everything that I do. Come to think of it, I don't quite understand why.

And then learning. Oh yes, I have always been curious of things, and I yearn to learn. This has gotten me into trouble though - when time came that I wanted to do a lot of things all at the same time. I find it a healthy exercise, though.

If you really knew me, and years from now would try to recall one distinct frustration I have, what would it be?

One: having the opportunity to learn - and then having it taken away from you. Not even a glimpse of it allowed.

And then frustration turns to disgust.

Endangered culture

If there is such a thing.

Just before I left the office today, April and I were talking about the company culture. How it started, flourished, and eventually faded. Now it's almost gone - one crucial thing that brought us in (at least us oldies) into the company...the invisible thread that goes through each of us and holds us together, the one ring to bind us (eeeek, enough already).

Anyway. As always, we had one of those moments again, when one itsy bitsy question brought out a concern which in turn stirred our emotions and bang - there we were letting out our heartaches and frustrations.

And it all boiled down to one - culture endangered. Indeed, in a company like ours, where does one find comfort, and at the same time, inspiration, but in each other? The nagging issue now is - where is it? Where is the culture we once had?

Back to reality

I wish I can go on like this...but two days of not really talking to anyone - I learned - can raise the alarm. Friends have been sending me text messages and calling me on my cell (and landline, but I told my roommate to tell them I was asleep) but I ignored them (some I totally ignored; others I at least replied to tell them I was fine). I accepted a friend's offer to sleep over his place, but I could not tell him anything. I was quiet than ever. I declined another offer for me to stay there the whole day and think things over - decided to go home instead. [I had this urge to pluck the strings of my guitar; that I cannot ignore when I'm having the blues.]

Why do I have all these things to think about? Most of the time i just want to whack my head on the wall. Life is so simple - as I'm constantly reminded by a friend - but I just damn keep on forgetting.

So - again, I'm taking things one day at a time.

Besides, with friends and loved ones like that, who wouldn't want to give life a chance?

This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels

I have held the hand of a devil

It was warm in the night

I was cold as stone

But I still

haven't found

what I'm looking for

U2

Shut

That's where I want to be. What I want to do.

I've been thinking again. Oh, I hate it when this happens. I had this glazed look since last week. I wish because I've been high on something - but no.

I wish I'd stop already.

Somebody shoot me.

Starfish, playing on the sand

Pretty as the Sunset,

--Orange and Purple

And oh the wild streak

Of motley hues

Of silent clues

Makes me wonder

Oh Starfish, come

Near so I may touch

Your fragile tips

Supple bumps

Sweet mouth

There you go

--But not quite

Leave, don’t leave

Starfish, no

01.28.03

ExcIETy

I'm for confusion!!! I don't know if its excitement or anxiety.

I was wrong when I thought that after bringing Neil to that family affair, the excitement would subside.

But no! Mom calls every day and asks (randomly) about the wedding deetz. My Tita Gaya calls me on my cell asking me to please reserve the venue already (thank God that's been settled!). My cousin Mattie texts me regularly (and calls me on the landline now when she used to not call me and would even choose not to reply to my texts) and asks how I'm doing (or more importantly, what I'm doing about the wedding). Coworkers make it a part of the daily comfort room chitchat. Fortunately my maids-of-honor are too busy with their own lives to send me a text message of a daily countdown for the wedding.

Or so I thought. I met up with Cam last night. We spent *some* time discussing the wedding deetz. So much so that I was thinking of what we had discussed until I fell asleep.

And the dreams came. And they never stopped until I woke up the next morning.

I dreamt of my wedding day. I was in my dress already. I was in hysterics. Apparently the caterer fails to deliver the food, and the misalette has been forgotten (as in nada - no misalette, no printouts, no copies). It's three hours until the wedding. No one offered any solutions. I was helpless.

I woke up this morning with the feeling that my gastritis problem has doubled up because of the stress I had in that dream! Crazy ( as Neil had said later this afternoon, when I told him about it) as it is, I was thinking of that stupid dream the whole day. It did nothing to help ease my nerves.

Don't blame me if one day I suddenly pack up with Neil and leave for Vegas. Mwahahaha.

It's a blah week

yeah. it is.

Vida is born!

Yes! Finally. At 1:38 this morning.

Totong says she looks exactly like Ginny. Ooh I can't wait to see her.

Neil meets the rest of the family

He did - the night of my birthday!

As we entered my tita's house, everyone's eyes were on Neil. Everyone started talking all at once (that was comforting - at least we didn't get a menacing silence) - I didn't know to whom and how I would introduce Neil. Tita Lolly to the rescue - she pulled Neil by her side and started introducing him - "Neil, Mica's fiance" - to everyone. Everyone said a warm hello - and Tito Rudy came over, shook Neil by his hand, and asked in his loudest, snarling voice a series of questions that had Neil nodding with his frozen smile. Tita Lolly pulled him away again, as everyone laughed at my tito's attempt to scare him off.

Surprisingly, I didn't have butterflies in my stomach that night. At all.

Can't wait for Vida

Vida is Ginny and Kin's daughter. She's coming out this week - and the proud ninang that I will be - I can't wait.

Welcome, honey. La Vida Misa.

It's a sick birthday

I came back from Nasugbu, Batangas yesterday with a fever (and burning, I tell ya). I was pretty okay at the beach - after I got up from sunbathing and went in to take my bath and change for home, I wasn't looking very good anymore.

They took me away from the beach, that's why! Hehehehe.

Anyway. I'm at the office today, working. I didn't want to stay home - pathetic. I decided I can handle work anyway.

Sigh.

Bookings galore

Why is everyone suddenly texting/calling me for bookings?

"Before you get married!" they say. "Let's go for one last trip/dinner/movie/coffee chat/shopping spree."

Why is it that I have to do "one last thing" before I say "I do"?

Nobody tells me why. Calling...all my married friends. What is it??? Whaaaat???

The newest New Year

Two more days 'til the new year starts.

I can't wait.

It'd be a different year, I'm sure. Well, this year has been a whole lot different - but I bet next year will be more, and there will be more of what I had this year.

Eeeek. My heart gives a different beat whenever I think of the coming year.

I think this is where I say - be still, my heart.

Holiday binge

To the max!

Eeek. I don't even wanna continue to talk about it.

Blech.

It's cab drivers' week

Yeah, if these frikkin idiots had a week in their commemoration, this would be it. Only it would be a different kind of commemoration. No one celebrates it but them.

So what happens during this week?

Oh, they get to choose their passengers. Or refuse them. Or charge an incredibly large fare. Or threaten the poor, unfortunate souls ("us") into not dropping them off where they're really headed.

And how they celebrate! They have their "Taxi" signs on, and have no passengers. They pass by slowly, making us think that they're "For Hire" - but they do that just to mock you and say, Ha! You pathetic git. You can't get a ride, hahaha.

Damn those cab drivers!!!!!!!!

Freaky!

Last Monday, I made a phone call to our caterer. (Note: I claim her "our" caterer, because we're really considering her to be the caterer for the wedding.) The person who answered told me to call again on the 19th (yesterday), because the caterer was on vacation.

I called up yesterday. A woman answered - who I found out later, was her cousin. I asked for the caterer.

I was in for a surprise. The caterer, she said, was buried just yesterday.

It took me a while to recover. It was just plain freaky (sorry Mrs. Caterer). I mean, someone from their family told me she was on vacation - perhaps they didn't know what to tell me. And here I was, thinking she was on vacation.

May she rest in peace.

Meanwhile, it's time to look for another one.

168 days to go

Or so they say at theknot.com. =)

There's less anxiety now. The Discovery Weekend helped a lot - not to mention a very timely phone call that I received Thursday night, a day before our pre-marriage seminar.

I was praying for a sign the whole week before the seminar. It's not that I relayed on that seminar to determine our fates (although people made a joke on that). I needed to understand what I or we were getting into.

The experience was - sublime. It wasn't the usual - that I can say. They touched on delicate topics like morality and sexuality...which we found surprising, and good. There were really a lot of learnings. At the end of the seminar, we were a little bit tired from waking up early and staying up until late at night for the whole thing, but it was worth it.

Like all the other things that I have gone through this year, this is yet another puzzle with its pieces starting to fall into place. The difference is, this is one puzzle that I'm going to work on with Neil.

Not alone. Not anymore.

=)

What did you do that for?

I know you.

If you like someone, you

Gaze into her eyes. Unblinking, you tell her how beautiful she looks. Your whole world, focused on her. You hold her hand.


Get to know what she likes. Give it to her.


Call her every day, if possible. Talk with her every day. Talk about everything. No, you wouldn't look stupid even if you talked about the most obnoxious things. Because in the end, nothing matters but her. Her her her.

You didn't have to

Caress her tummy.

Put your hand under her top.

Tell her you wanted to because it's close to her breasts.

Kiss her on the neck.

Invite her inside the room.

In 24 hours.

When you knew her for practically your whole lifetime. As kids, irritated her to death. As teenagers, irritated her to death. As a grown-ups, irritated her to death.

Because we treated each other like family. We had a friendship that was pure.

I want to know why.

If you genuinely like her, do it properly.

I don't want you doing that to my best friend.

She's a very good person, inside out. Purehearted. Most of all, innocent. How could you have done that?

Discovering ourselves

Next week, Neil and I are attending this seminar called the "Discovery Weekend". It's supposed to let us assess our relationship and help us prepare for marriage.

The seminar will last through the whole weekend. And, get this - no cellphones allowed. Which means we won't be able to communicate with the outside world. Hmm, perhaps that would be good, since we're going to have to be focused on the whole thing.

Wish us well. =)

Sweet Transvestite from Transexual Transylvania

Last night I saw The Rocky Horror Show. It was a blast! What with black net stockings, skimpy clothing, blue orange gold hair colors, and a lotta butts - regardless of gender - it was most entertaining. Now I'm downloading MP3s from the musical. (Well if you woke up this morning singing "I'm a sweet transvestite from transexual transylvania...")

Hmmm. Really enjoyed the play.

Of disappointments and compromises

Let's say you've been looking for something.

Something that, long ago, you could only envision in your mind. But now, as you are given the opportunity to realize it, you feel happy and lucky and excited to go look for it.

I was fortunate enough to be given that chance.

I went to look for it. I was encouraged to look for it. It became part of my fate to look for it.

When I found it, there were no questions. This was it. What I was looking for. I was at peace with it. It was home.

And then, suddenly - it's going to be taken away. This thing I have my heart and my mind set on.

Certain compromises have to be made. Certain disappointments.

Sick in the city

After working late last Friday night, I looked forward to a nice dinner, a relaxing talk with Leah (hmm, were office stuff relaxing?), and perhaps watching a movie with John and his niece Ria.

Well, I did meet up with Leah - and talked about the office incident which happened early Friday evening (and which turned my stomach round)...met up with John, Ria, and another niece of his to watch Ghost Ship, which shook my (and Leah's) nerves. Ate five pieces of California Maki and a large Pepsi for dinner while watching the frigging movie. We at least had a relaxing time drinking coffee at Seattle's GB3, people-watching and chatting with the young. At 3:30 am, after taking Ria and Liz home, I realized my stomach was grumbling - so we went to Isshin to have some of their famous Ramen.

At around 4:30 am my stomach seemed to be taking a different turn. Strange - I never felt something like this before. Finally, at 5, we called it a night (morning) - and I dropped by the drugstore to buy some antacids before going home.

Woke up around lunchtime with that horrible, horrible stomach pain. Neil arrived (we were supposed to look up houses) - and stayed and took care of me. The pain wouldn't go away, so Neil took me to the ER at midnight. Two shots of painkillers. Strong antacids for the stomach.

Sunday - the pain still hasn't gone away. John and Pebbles paid me a visit - at least I was distracted from the horrible pains.

Monday - I couldn't go to work. Went back to the hospital - the doctor had too many patients in line; I was told to come back today.

Finally had that check-up today. Gaaad. A series of lab tests. I thought I was going to die when they got the blood samples from me. The test tube where they put my blood was full to the brim. Eeek. I felt very weak after that and cursed that blasted California Maki and Pepsi. I'm scheduled for an endoscopy on Thursday as well. They're going to see what's really wrong with my stomach. Mom's coming over; just in case I might need to be confined.

Tomorrow, I'm going to work. I NEED TO!!! Loads to do.

Darn this stomach. Auugggh.

Six months to go!

...and I still haven't started on the wedding preps. I didn't realize we only have six months to go until that family affair at Neil's last Sunday - where everyone talked about - yup - our wedding.

Funny thing is, we haven't talked about it yet - again - for a month now...? Gaaaaad. We seriously thought May '03 was too far away still.

=p

No more holiday home trips for me!

Yeah, after that 12-hour ride going home, and 10-hour ride going back to Manila, I swear, I ain't going home anymore on holidays! Instead, I'll bring home here in Manila. ;p

Six hours into the trip and we were still edging our way through the north expressway - I wanted to get out of the car and walk back to Manila. Well, what probably added to my irritation was that I was coming down with something.

True enough, when I got home, my coughing fits got worse. I kept barking along with Tabitha that night. I fell ill.

What a great way to spend a "restful" weekend.

Lazy Baguio weekend

I went up to Baguio during the weekend. The trip was planned weeks ago, but suddenly - no one was going - except me and John.

So, what do you do when the head count = 2? We found the best thing to do was - sleep and eat. Hmmm, come to think of it, I never really knew you could do that much sleeping and eating in Baguio.

The moment we arrived, we slept. I woke up earlier than John, so I took a walk down Session road, took a sniff of the Baguio air, sensed the locals as well as the people on vacation.

I went back to the inn to find John still - asleep. I shook him awake before we start to look pathetic (yeah, considering we just arrived!). We walked to Cafe by the Ruins to have lunch - at 230 pm already.

Realizing we both had to do Number Two, we hurried back to the inn. (Well, we stopped over a travel agency on the way; John had to buy his ticket for Bacolod. Yup, one sensible thing we did!)

And then we slept.

And woke up at 9pm.

Can you imagine anything or anyone so lazy???

We went out to have dinner at Nevada Square. Gasp! Cafe et Biscotti wasn't there anymore. BrewYard was closed. Gaaaaddd. Where are the cool places I used to go to? We had dinner at this new grillery resto. The food sucked.

Right after that horrible dinner, we decided to bar-hop. Well, at least do something significant with our lives. As Maiete suggested, we tried Salud Bistro.

When we got there, no one was there. I looked at my watch. Gasp! It was already 11pm (rolling my eyes). Shyet. This early and no one around.

We went to Legarda St., where Gimbals is. Kids, kids, and more kids. Stuffy room, long line outside. We hopped to Alberto's, where a band was playing. We sat down for a while. I ask John, exasperated: Where are all the beautiful people????

Gaaad.

We left Alberto's and walked around. Finally, we gave up. Nothing to see, nothing to do.

John was already feeling awful. Yep, he was sick.

We went back to the inn. Turned on the TV...ate Oreos and Kornets. Fell asleep. Again.

Woke up late the next day. Auuuggggh!!! Am supposed to meet mom somewhere. Yup, she was in Baguio, too, with friends.

I left John. He really really looked awful. His fever was still burning.

I went around town - met mom, bought pasalubongs and bilins. Muni-muni while walking, as Neil would say.

And John, poor boy, was left at the inn. He only got up when it was time to leave for Manila.

Hmmm. It was a different kinda adventure.

=)

Best wishes, dear friend

It took all of my willpower to stop the tears about to flow down my face.

The moment I saw you in that wedding dress - beautiful, glowing, most of all, peaceful - a mix of emotions came over me. I was seized with sadness, joy, anxiety, security, fear, relief.

I tried to remember the first time I saw you that beautiful, shining. Ah, we were nine then. It was our class Christmas party. You were in this pink two-piece dress. You had on white stockings (yeah, white stockings were in, I had a pair on, too). We were dancing in a circle, laughing, smiling - the simple joys of childhood that made us feel we were on top of the world.

Next. We were 11. It was a formal school affair. We were both in white. Dancing with those boys. Trying hard to look demure; the sides of our lips almost about to break from trying hard not to laugh.

And then we were 14. You had that certain je ne sais quois. Aaah. It was that boy. Made my stomach queasy every time he broke your heart.

At 16, we learned to put on make up (well, lipstick). It was the start of a series of beauty tips and regimens in sleepover sessions.

A blast from the past made our bond stronger. The love you found was that boy who irritated me to no end when I was five. We were 17.

We moved on to the real world. It was a meaningful move. It led us to search...forever going on trips to seek what the world offered us; endless coffee conversations; sleepless sleepovers.

It was there that you found the man you are to marry.

My stomach turns queasy again. It's time for me to walk. The wedding coordinator calls my attention. Walk now, she says. Walk slowly. I nod.

I turn to you. There you are - beautiful, glowing, peaceful.

Before I start to walk, I blow you a kiss.

Surprisingly, the queasiness disappeared. I start to walk down the aisle, towards the altar. As I do, I look up to Him and ask Him to watch over you.

As I reach the podium and wait for you, I look at you. Silently I wish you the best. With all the love I have for you.

Spacing out

Yeah. For an hour now just staring off space thinking about nothing oh something the dots on the ceiling what are those?

God. Wouldn't it be nice to just do nothing think nothing feel nothing but something feels like something like exhaustion and something like dread and i don't like it at all.

Now. Have to go back to work no go back to studying no go back to staring off space oh shit i can't make a bright decision help me God.

Am one lucky git, did you know that?

Amid all the crisis and stress going on in my life, I have the thing I needed most, and the person I need most.

Neil, and his understanding.

Salamat, mahal.

Thank you... =)

John, for the bits of wisdom you share.

Death Be Not Proud!

I feel I'm going to die this week.

Try having these in one week:

1. Three major major major papers for school.
   
2. Study for MA finals (Saturday, October 19th).
   
3. Work.
   
   
   
   • Multitask (servicing three business units and the company e-zine ain't a joke)
     
   • Think fast and be creative (writing has never been this stressful)
     
   
   
   
4. Prepare for Ginny's shower.
   
5. Look for a place for Neil.
   
6. Figure out what's up with Rex and Melvin.
   
7. Have underarms waxed, eyebrows threaded, and a facial (hey, all necessary! all for Ginny's wedding.)
   
8. Finals on Saturday.
   
9. Ginny's wedding on Sunday.
   
10. Live.
    
    

Aaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

I cannot die this week.

I will try not to.

Death, be not proud.

The quarter-life crisis

Read on...and relate. =)

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you are.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for one, and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all. You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused.

Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. We are making a lot of mistakes, but helping one another learn from them and reaching out to pull one another up. We are not the shiniest group of people, but we are very much a circle. We are there for one another and will listen and grow for the rest of our lives. We will piss one another off, but we will also heal one another's hearts. We are the group who sometimes doesn't need words but will laugh at the end of a conversation that started with angry words.

I don't know where this came from, but when I read it, I was awed.

It spoke about me.

Neil

Thank you, love.

Neil

You know the first signs of daybreak, when the sun starts to peep? And you take comfort knowing that darkness will soon be light?

That's what you do to me.

Neil

My reason.

Stop the world!

Yeah, I wish! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Have so much to do.

Hmm, can't get enough of these quizzes. I am also...

I am...

Which Disney Princess are you?

Dozo

This was one Japanese word I appreciated so much during my trip to Japan last week (or was it two weeks ago already? Ack! This shows how much time I can spare for myself after that trip). It means "please". As in, "please have a seat", "please enjoy the tour", "please take your time", and my favorite - "please have some more!" (of sushi and beer).

Weeks before the trip, I was forever being nagged by mom. Have you done this and that, have you bought this and that, have you prepared your stuff, etc etc. Days before the trip I was literally being harassed by mom already. You can just imagine my stress, all the way to the airport where she saw me off. Good thing Neil was there, too; he somehow calmed my nerves. So there I was, in the airport, trying to calm myself down from all the mudra stress. And then suddenly, I learn that somehow we've been bumped off from economy to business class. Yay! Things were looking up.

Irashaimase

Welcome, it says. That's the small poster Komiko (we didn't know her then) was holding up. Nanao (an official; and soon my foster father) was there, shaking hands with all of us "Ah, it's you again!" and nodding and bowing. We were led to the Nanbu bus (we had the whole bus to ourselves - party of nine, plus about five Japanese guys). Immediately Nanao began offering us food and drinks. The first thing he offered me was Asahi. What's that? I say. Ah, it's Asahi, he replies. Just like your San(g) Miguer beer!

All right! I've just landed and they offer me beer. Hmmm. Things were definitely looking up.

Remember me?

Arrived in Gonohe, Aomori the next day (yeah, ten-hour bus trip from Tokyo to Aomori. Unfortunately, bullet train under construction.). As soon as we got off the bus, Yonenuma-san surprises me with a hug and says, "Remember me?" And I nod profusely and say, "Hai...hai!" Yes I definitely remember this woman. She was this overly courteous woman who'd cry over the simplest things that touched her heart. She is Kazumi's (exchange student) mom.

We were led to our rooms. While settling down, Yukiko-san, wife of Nanao, knocked on our door. She introduced herself. Ah, she was still forever polite (being the wife of a respected man, perhaps, and the daughter-in-law of the former mayor). You will stay with us tomorrow night, she says to me. Hai, hai! I say, and smile and bow.

The Wercome Party

Wow. They definitely prepared for the welcome party. All municipal officials were there. The party was full of speeches, but they also filled us up with food. Yonenuma-san (this is her family name; I have forgotten her first name!) and Yukiko were at the buffet table, pointing the food to us and identifying which ones were which.

A group of string performers serenaded us. It was an interesting group; it covered all ages! I'm betting the youngest was around 4 or 5, and the maestro, who did a solo, was around 65.

The official beside me offered me sake, and I gratefully accepted. Whoa! Tastes like Tequila, but better. We were making small talk. Suddenly he asks, you're a writer? Hai, hai, I reply (as I always do). And then he says, what is your genre? Whoa! I didn't expect that. Hehe!

The only thing that ruined the night was the presence of this sleazy Americain. He claims he's an interpreter. Duh! He flirts like crazy. As if he was overly gorgeous?! And he had a (Japanese) wife, a three-year-old daughter, and a four-month-old in his wife's belly. He was disgusting.

Barbecue Party

Hmmm. This entry is starting to have too many "party" words in it.

The Kawasakis (Nanao and Yukiko) hosted a barbecue party at their garden house (sort of a resthouse, with lotsa trees and a small pond at the back). It was still early in the evening, and I was already juggling three drinks: asahi, red wine, and something like Cali (from Kazumi) which they called a lady's drink.

The feast was fantastic. We had fish, ika, katsu, beef, scallops, shiitake, onions barbecued...and yaki soba stir fried - all right in front of us.

I thought it would never end! The barbecue went on for hours. The men were getting drunk, and I could see my tito taking off his longsleeves (gasp! the undershirt), and rolling up his pants (gasp! magsasaka na sya).

The Festival

We were fortunate enough to have visited the town during its festival (that's fiesta for us). We were dressed in (ordinary) kimonos, and we helped pull the majestic floats. By the end of the afternoon I was so tired, I wanted to drink beer again.

After the festival, our foster parents took us home. My oba-san (grandmother) was very excited when we arrived; she wanted to dress us up in formal kimono wear. After dinner (dinner was at the local bazaar/fair, where tiangges stood), we went home, where oba-san was waiting.

Kimono beauties

One gruelling hour of dressing us up. Layers and layers of kimono clothing! I was dressed in a green kimono robe.

After taking pictures of moi in kimono wear, the whole family posed for a portrait. Oba-san was one with the biggest smile, of course.

Pity I wasn't given the kimono. So regal. Sigh.

Lake Towada

A one and a half-hour ride from Gonohe brings us to Towada City, where Lake Towada is located. A beautiful and peaceful lake, where shops, restaurants, and a Shinto Temple can be found on one end, and on the other end, more shops.

Unfortunately I finished up all my films, so I had to buy there. A whopping Y830 (that's about P350 here) for a 36-shot film. Aaarrgggh.

Sayonara

The sayonara party was more formal than the welcome party. Speeches, speeches and more speeches...and of course, gifts exchange. More beer and hot sake for us, of course.

When it was time to say goodbye, our friends assured us they'd be sending us off the next day anyway, so we'll be seeing each other.

The night was still early, and we had nothing to do. The girls took a walk (at 930pm). We reached Mini Stop, the nearest establishment (5kms from the International Center where we came from). We walked another 5km home. When we reached the center, the elders were friggin mad at us for having wandered. Whatever!

Tokyo, Tokyo

Our friends were in the center very early in the morning to send us off. Fighting the urge to break down, as I hugged my oka-san and the other peeps who made our stay great.

Called Neil on the highway to Tokyo (lunch break).

Arrived in Tokyo late afternoon. Visited temples. Dinner (food again?!). Didn't have time to shop for electronics anymore (my biggest frustration; was in a very bad mood the rest of the night).

Surprise

What do you know - while fixing my stuff for the flight back home, I found an envelope in one of the gifts I got - an additional Y5000 from my oto-san (father). It said on the envelope: "for Tokyo". Sniff. Such generous souls.

Before I left Gonohe, my oka-san said to me, teary-eyed, "I hope someday you will write about Gonohe and Japan"...and I promised her I would. This is not it. There is too much to tell! =)

Yup. That was one great week.

I'm baaaacccckkk!!!!

Whew! One whole week of sushi and sake and kirin. I swear I gained a hundred pounds more!

That was one great week I spent. =)

[More entries later. Work mode!]

Lazy Weekend

Oh, yes it is! Was just lounging around the whole day. Except when I went out with Neil to purchase his 128MB memory stick, and dinner at Congo Grille, where we lazily watched people.

Yeah, people-watching. The long table beside us was filled with pretty girls and boys. They were in pairs. The girls thin and beautiful, the boys lean and cute. Neil and I were amused just watching them. The table behind me seated four women. Friends catching up on each others' lives - this I could tell from their endless, excited chatter. And the other long table on Neil's right. Yeah, that was interesting. I was transfixed on this girl who I thought would pair great with Neil. The girl had on a feminine floral yellow top, a nice reserved smile, perfect eyebrows. She had a small, humble-looking face. And she had a hanky in front of her. I told Neil, and he just laughed it off. He didn't think I was sincere. He didn't believe me.

Tomorrow (no, that's today) is kikay day. Been dying to get a manicure (and pedicure) for two weeks now. Yay! Finally.

Aaah. I wish it were a three-day weekend.

CONGRATULATIONS, RUTH!!!

Yeah!!! OT girl!!!! See, told you you'd make it. =) Am soo proud of you [I am - tears stung my eyes when I read about the news...so much like your momma, huh. Hehe]

Now get your butt over here so we can celebrate.

[Ruth is one of my best friends. She has just passed the OT board exams. Smart, sexy, pretty, and nice woman she is - for those who want to date her...Hehehehe (she'll kill me; am doing a shameless plug of her, hehehe)!]

Finis!

The two-week long stress over work, school...my whole life, actually - it's over!!! Yay!

[Yeah, and it'll start again next week. ;p]

Seriously. The past two weeks have unbelievably been stressful. Seems I've been losing my organizational skills. What with a pda, a phone with a calendar, an actual calendar sitting right in front of me on my office desk - and I couldn't seem to schedule my tasks properly! [And couldn't even get myself to blog, even just to rant...]

Today is the day I've been looking forward all week - supposed to have finished everything that needs to be done.

And I did!

And though I can feel the fatigue seeping in, I just have to blog to let out my relief. =)

Intense as hell

Yup. This week, and last week. I don't know how work, school, and my personal life can hit me all at the same time.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

And though I'm about to break [down], I don't want to whine. I got myself into this anyway.

Okay. Give me at least space to *sigh*.

18.75%!

Ha! Am not hooked after all...heheheh. Thanks, March.

18.75 %

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