Unbecoming

I figured it out. I've just been so out of it the past weeks. Everything felt like 'blah'. Sure, I had Lia to cheer me up when I got home from work, but when I go to sleep, there's something different, even strange, that I feel.

I lost it. I lost my sense of kakikayan! OMG. Whatever happened to "beauty above all"? It's lost, lost, lost, I tell you!

I realized it when I found myself thinking about that item I've been eyeing at the mall. A four-burner plus two-rack Elba oven. Not that Body Shop liquid foundation, nor the L'oreal juicy tubes I've always-wanted-to-buy-but-now-it's-pushed-to-the-back-of-my-mind. No.

And when I did realize that indeed, my habits, priorities, and wants have changed, I panicked. I looked at myself in the mirror - in horror. Dark rings under my eyes. More pronounced pores (God, I need that facial ASAP). Long unkempt hair. And my fat bulging tummy that's mostly-post-pregnancy-but-never-did-anything-about-it-so-now-it's-bulging-more-than-ever.

So unbecoming!

I hate myself.

But I thought, I have to do something. It's just not me. It's like I lost a part of myself. Of my soul.

Therefore: I asked help from Mudra - Armel. I asked for a makeover.

God help me!

My best friend's engagement

Tomorrow, Ruth and I are going to see Tiff and her fiance Tadgh. We already saw Tiff last Sunday, a few hours after she landed. Tadgh arrived Monday night, and we have yet to see him (well, I've already met him last year, but Ruth has not.)

Tiff and Tadgh are engaged now...and in a few days the couple shall announce the big news to the family. Tiff is also working on getting an Irish visa so she can go meet Tadgh's family.

But tomorrow, we are suprising them...oh yes we are! Hahaha! (When Tiff finds out it was my idea, I'm sure she'd kill me.)

I ordered balloons from balloonist Petite (she made the balloons for Lia's party). I don't know yet what the bunch looks like, but I specified champagne glass, dark blue or dark red balloons (Tiff's favorite colors), and an arrangement that spells engagement. ;p

Am praying Tiff won't think of reading my blog tonight...

Long weekend, yay!

Thanks to GMA's SONA, Monday is a holiday. Woohoo!

What to do? Tomorrow, shop for Lia's clothes (can't believe how fast she's outgrown her clothes). Tomorrow night - well, await Tiffany's arrival (hope we can chat as soon as your plane lands, Tiff, hehehe). Sunday, laze around. Oh, maybe drop by the salon and have my eyebrows thread(ed) and my hair cut. And pedicure and manicure. Monday, laze around some more. Hehehe.

Shaddup

I'm telling that to myself. After getting into trouble (twice, mind you) yesterday for not keeping my mouth shut.

The first one, for divulging information that I hadn't intended to...and leading to some people getting harassed and hurt. It was never intended - it was information that I "gave" because the topic of conversation was related to that particular matter.

The second one - for sharing a problem with someone...and her sharing it with people I least wished to share with. Now everyone's concerned over it. That's okay, except that that problem I had - it's already resolved. Sigh. Now the issue's back and am in big trouble again.

Haaaay, stress. Need facial.

Survived the first one!

Lia just turned one, and she had one heck of a party. See how it went!

June 26 a special day

Indeed. It's my daughter's birthday - and best friend John's, too!

No, I did not schedule my childbirth on this day. I was just as surprised as everyone! Of course, John was the first one I texted when my water broke that day and I knew I was already going to give birth. =p

So now - one more reason to celebrate June 26th!

Busy Momma

Uh-huh...preparing for Lia's first birthday party. Hehehe.

See my mommy blog for deetz.

My lost CDs

My lost CDs
Originally uploaded by micaela.

I finally mustered enough courage to think about my lost CDs again.

Here are some of my favorites that were lost along with my CD case.

=(

It used to be much simpler...

Yeah, life did. Not much worries, nor hurries. Plans there were not; everything was on impulse -- and back then, that was so much fun. Spontaneity was in.

Inflation was relative. Yes, we worried about money, but money is nothing. It was just money and you can always earn it.

Everyone was in love. Lived together, engaged, married - and stayed.

Why does it seem much complicated now? It should not be.

My precioussss, lost

Original, hard-to-find, favorite CDs - about 15 or 20 of them lost.

Left them in the cab this morning. Why o why did I leave them there? I could have left my lunchbox instead. But no. I had to leave my precious CDs.

With the help of June, I called up radio station DZMM and had my lost item/s announced. Called this particular station because I remembered the cab driver listening to Korina Sanchez while I was in his taxi.

Grieving.

Product Endorser! ;p

Product Endorser! ;p
Originally uploaded by micaela.

Last Sunday we had lunch in Tagaytay because it was my cousin Patty's birthday. I didn't bring Lia's yaya along, and Neil and I were left taking care of the little one (who, did I mention, is so kulit these days?).

We had lunch at Josephine's because Patty didn't think about getting reservations at Sonya's. I don't blame her - we went there on impulse, hehehe.

And...since Lia entertained herself in her high chair...here's what she did. Endorsed her Johnson's Isopropyl Alcohol (see picture). Hahahaha!

Thank God for best friends

Last week, no one knew what I was going through.

John insisted we go out last Thursday night.

I was not ready, but tears flowed. I could not help it. I wanted to stop, but it just went on. When I looked up, he was crying with me.

I felt very much comforted.

Back to reality

I'm really back to work! Actually, on my first day, I felt it already -- because I had a hard time leaving Lia in the morning (with her reaching out her arms to me while I said bye-bye), and because I rushed home right after work.

That's the sacrifice I had to make. The first week was hell for Lia and me. When I get home from work she'd scream out of excitement and wiggle out of her yaya's grip to go to me. And then she won't let go of me until she falls asleep. So you can see how difficult it is when I leave home again in the morning.

Nowadays I get by my Lia-sickness by calling home every now and then and talking to Lia (who just says "Ha?" "He!" "Bah!" "Aaah" and "Hehe").

My normal office hours are from 9 to 6. I was horrified when, one day, during week 2, I was asked to attend a meeting at 5:30 in the afternoon. That meant I was going home late. And then, last Friday, I was kept in the office because I was uploading stuff for the Web. My palms were all sweaty because I was agitated already, worrying about Lia.

I'm sure I'll get the hang of it. And I hope Lia understands.

Miracles do happen

A few weeks ago I said I was in my saddest state. I talked to the only one I knew who'd give me guidance and strength.

Not only did He give me those - He even answered my prayers.

A wonderful talk with a loved one

God gave me a sign when I asked for it. That night, I had a beautiful talk with this person. After that talk, things were better between us.

A job that I asked for

Soon after, I was called in for a job interview. A couple of days after, I was offered the job. With my desired salary (and benefits).

Thank You.

I asked for a sign...

Last night I was in my saddest state.

Everything seemed to fall apart. I wanted to call a friend, but didn't have the strength to even get up from the bed and reach for the phone. I was just stationary, lying down beside my daughter, who was also squirming and restless because of her cold.

Finally, when Lia found her sleep, I sat up. There was only one person to talk to.

I prayed. I talked to my Father, and asked for guidance. I asked Him to give me strength. I asked Him the unthinkable: to give me a sign -- and, if I won't receive it, then I will be doing a most drastic thing that would change my life forever.

He gave me a sign. I could not believe it, but He did.

Thank you, Father, for giving me hope.

Job-hunting again

With a full-time yaya, and my moolah slipping out of my hand faster than I can say "Shit!", I guess there are no excuses not to look for a job now. Darn it, Lia is excuse enough not to look for a job, but these days one income-earning body for the whole family (however small) is not enough. Neil and I really need to work.

So: I've been sending resumes here and there for the past two weeks already. While doing freelance writing of course (knowing I won't be getting my checks for these jobs any time soon because it takes them an awfully long time to pay). It's been a busy start-of-the-year for me.

Last Friday I was called for an interview with this company I had no knowledge about. I was like, oh no, shall I fall for a startup again? But then again, these startups, especially when they're very new, have lots of funds. So why not.

I got to their office (this old, dark office building in Ortigas) promptly at 3PM. I was called in at 5:30PM. Grrr.

After the usual Q&A, I was informed about the company's business: they create Web sites for international clients. And my specific role-to-be? A writer -- who will write reviews on...PORN movies! They asked me if I had any problem with it, and I said no as long as it was legal. Plus, they said yes to my asking price.

After the interview I called up John. Of course he told everyone. Everyone thinks I'm a porn movie reviewer now (knowing how chismis is spread) even if I've not been hired yet! Hahaha.

No, I haven't accepted their offer yet...plus I still have to wait for the company's call.

Wish me luck! (Because I realized I could not call on God for this kind of work, hehehe).

26 years ain't too bad...

Spent my 26th birthday last Thursday with family and close friends -- and, unlike my 22nd (where I thought of nothing but fun), or my 24th (quarter-life crisis looming), my 26th was a simple, genuine-happy one.

Thanks to everyone who didn't forget! And to those who thought of me but didn't have enough call credits to text or call (hehehe, you know who you are).

=)

Letting off steam before I go to sleep...

A long sigggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh....

First thing that pissed me off this afternoon: my lost SIM card. It was the SIM that I've been using for work. And I definitely could not afford to lose it because there was important data in there.

My atribidang yaya, who'd use my other unit (which I was using for this work SIM) for her SMS and calls, misplaced my SIM. I couldn't help but remind her (seethingly) that MY card was supposed to be the permanent one on that unit. I've already allowed her to use her SIM when she needs to call or text, and already told her she can have the unit on the 15th of the month (when my contract ends and I don't need the unit anymore)...but no. Apparently she's been using it already.

If only she weren't a patient and knowledgeable nanny....

Grrrrrr!!!

It's really so hard to get good help nowadays.

Next...I was reminded again of the yabang people I knew. I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but think -- this is what they probably do all day. Brag. Brag until they lose substance. Ang pangit. I find it so selfish.

I was comforted with the thought of my friend June. She's one of the humblest people I know. She comes from a rich family, but when she speaks there's not a trace of yabang. When she first saw the apartment we were living in, I was surprised at her comment. We used to live in an apartment like this, she exclaimed. Her eyes shone, delighting in every detail of the place. She was the only person who didn't mind that we were still renting (and not yet buying a permanent home, unlike other people -- "bakit pa kayo nagre-rent? di nyo pa kaya...?").

You know when you've planned something, and canceled every other thing already, prepared for that thing, woke up early even if you've just slept two hours...and then the person you planned it with cancels? Major Major piss-off.

Ookay...enough of this ranting. Will. relax. now.

Start of the year survey

I did this last year...and here I am at it again!

1. What did you do in 2004 that you've never done before?

Give birth.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

No. No.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Rex. His wife, I mean.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No. Thank God.

5. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?

A really really good (high-paying) job

6. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

June 26. It was the day I gave birth to Lia. I was in labor for 8 hours.

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Giving birth!

8. What was your biggest failure?

Not resigning from the company asap. Had I known that they wouldn't pay my wages....

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Is nausea and vomiting considered illness?

10. What was the best thing you bought?

For myself? Nothing! I was too poor...

11. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Cam's. A renewed Christian!

12. Whose behavior made you apalled and depressed?

No one's

13. Where did most of your money go?

Checkups to the OB, medicines for the pregnant me, ultrasounds

14. What did you get really really really excited about?

At one point, my giving birth. I was already impatient and wanted to see my baby already

15. What song/album will always remind you of 2004?

I don't remember anymore! The anesthesia got to my memory cells already!

16. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?

I'm happier now

17. Thinner or fatter?

Hmm, thinner because I'm not pregnant anymore!

18. Richer or poorer?

Poorer

19. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Go out

20. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Complain

21. Did you fall in love in 2004?

No

22. What was your favorite TV program?

The Simpsons

23. Do you hate anyone now, that you didn't hate the same time last year?

Oh yeah. And I hate that I hate.

24. What was the best book you read?

Da Vinci Code!

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Re-discovery...Bond

26. What did you want and get?

Childbirth at the hospital of my choice

27. What did you want and not get?

This really good job...I was already at my final interview when I was asked if I was pregnant. WHen I told them I was, they turned me down.

28. What was your favorite film of the year?

Hmmm. Big Fish

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I had dinner at Bubba Gump with Neil, John, Patty, Leah, and Maiete. I was too nauseated and lazy to party. I turned 25.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurable satisfying?

Had I landed the job I really wanted.

31. Who did you miss?

Cam

32. Who was the best new person you met?

Hmmm. Re-met. Sheila, my sister-in-law. I got to know her better.

33. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004?

Do not EVER fight about finances with your life partner.

Contravidas

There is always one in every situation/event - at least in this life.

I can't help but think that maybe that's their purpose in life. Maybe it's because I can't think of any situation that I'm in their shoes. I was never a contravida!

What's the point of this entry?

Well, another contravida has taken her post...and I don't quite know how to handle her yet. Every time she argues about the project details, I just smile and nod. I'm sorry to say - I was getting good at the smile-and-nod-reply that I suspect she's noticing my glazed look and fixed smile...

Sigh...I guess I'd have to deal with her until the project ends....

Where have you all gone?

Why is it, that when you get married, all (well, almost) your single friends seem difficult to find? There was even one friend of mine, a month right after the wedding - after forever texting her, finally told me she hadn't texted me back because I was "married". What the--? She thought she was in the way of my married life, or something like that.

And then, I give birth...and all of them disappear! Exaggerating, I know. But it seems like! Someone told me she didn't want to "disturb" my maternal duties. Telephone calls in a rush. Text messages cut to just one exchange. John, who seemed like he wouldn't give up on me, started to (didn't call me for that Bond concert...in fairness, was apologetic when I told him I wanted to go and would even give up his seat for my lone one).

Please. Where did you all get the stupid idea that because I have a family now, I can't be talked to!? I know I have to schedule my appointments (unlike my past impromptu trips), but I will go.

I know I am a wife and a mother now. But I am, still, the Mica that you know.

Therapy

I didn't realize freelancing was stressful! Or maybe it's because I'm still getting used to the schedule (which I manage....with difficulty...hehe)...or maybe I just accepted too many jobs at once...

Anyway, yesterday I was up to my chin with my deadlines. At around 4pm I finally finished most of my major work. So I got up, packed away my faithful Vaio, and declared we were going out.

I dressed up my daughter Lia (who couldn't contain her excitement), packed her stuff, folded up her stroller, and we were off to Glorietta.

Natural high! Shopping, I mean. First stop was the baby department, of course. Since I forgot to put on Lia's shoes, I bought her a cheap but dainty pair right there. After buying her necessities, I shopped for Christmas tree trimmings.

I didn't get to complete my list, though, because we had to see Neil already. Nevertheless, It was great therapy for my tired soul.

I'm standing!!!

I'm standing!!!
Originally uploaded by micaela.

Here I stand

This is my four-month-old daughter Lia. She's learning how to straighten and stretch her legs, so she can stand.

It must feel good to be able to do that.

I'm still struggling myself.

Errand-girl

What is it with mothers/wives and errands? Do they really go together?

I'm starting to believe so!

Seems like every week I have an errand to run: bills payment, grocery shopping, hardware shopping (yup, there's always a faucet leaking or a furniture that lost some of its parts or screws), husbands-errands-which-are-now-mine, short (and repetitive) trips to the baby department to buy one or two of Lia's needs.

And yesterday I had no plans of buying anything at all...Just wanted to go to the mall because I had free time (thanks to my mother who volunteered to take care of Lia)...And then I come home with two heavy bags of groceries, plus a large bag of Lia's assorted hairthings (clips) and a pretty little white dress.

I love errands, though...beats the housewife-blues.

My best friend is engaged!!!

Yessss she is!!!! I'm really sorry to announce this in my blog, I know you don't want to announce it yet...but your family doesn't read this blog anyway so what the hell....

Congratulations, Tiffany! And Tadgh, of course!!! Hmm, I should have known Tadgh's surprise visit to the P.I. last summer meant something...to even set foot on this cursed land with the summer heat...sigh...who would have thought it was pure l-o-v-e (with matching batting eyelashes)...

Anyway, Tiff called me up the other day to tell me the good news. The news wasn't that surprising...what surprised me was the way she sounded! My god, Tiff sounded like she was really in love! I know, because she usually isn't that happy-perky, and she was always trying hard to keep her voice in a monotone. But no! Little Miss Frigid is now Little Miss Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy. Hahaha!

Get this: she couldn't even remember how Tadgh proposed! She just remembers seeing the box, opening it, and saying yes. Hahaha!

And, she's proudly wearing it! Tiff wasn't the type who'd wear jewelry. Now she has a platinum, princess-cut diamond (from the way she described it I figured it was), Calvin Klein engagement ring.

Are we all going to Ireland for your wedding? ;p

Is freelancing good for me?

So far I have not been successful with my job applications. =( It's either I'm not marketable anymore, or it's the Philippine economy that's causing it. I'd like to believe it's the latter's fault!

So. I've been taking freelance work from good friends. Working here at home while taking care of the little girl.

So far...it's driving me crazy. I feel like I'm back to my college days -- cramming.

Let's see how far I can go. Wish me luck!!!

Writer's Block!

I've spent almost the whole day in front of the PC and what do I write -- a measly sentence! And I was supposed to write a whole newsletter!!!

Grrrrrrr.

And then the Internet connection fails because someone picked up the phone. Does that really happen? Disconnection when the phone is picked up? I hate it!!!

I'm in a bad mood.

Is this a monthly thing already???

Sadly, I think it is! Waah. Logging on is such a luxury for me now that I'm a full-time mom! You should see me rushing to turn on my laptop and go online once my little one is asleep. I literally dizzy myself doing so many things at once!

Career status: do I even have one?

I've been trying to find a job since I gave birth. I'm wishing I don't have to, though, but times are hard, and these days we really need moolah to get by. I really don't want to leave Lia with a yaya while I go to work. It's not just because I don't want to miss out on her developments; it's also so difficult to find a good yaya, let alone trust her to take really good care of my baby.

So: I've been accepting freelance work from good friends. I'm now thinking that freelancing might be good for me (and Lia), since I'll be working at home while taking care of her! I was computing my income as a freelancer...and given that these jobs pay me on time, I'll survive.

Missing out on a lot?

Not really. It's more like missing the persons I used to go out with, talk to on the phone, exchange life stories with. Someone asked me if I missed going out anytime I wanted to, or going on an impulsive out-of-town trip...I do, honestly, but at the same time it doesn't upset me or put me in a depression when I'm thinking about it. Isn't it unbelievable? Mwehehe.

Family person...am I?

Up until now most of my friends are still in disbelief that I'm married, and have a kid. I still can't imagine, they'd say. Para kang trumpo na biglang huminto, they'd say, of my settling down and having a family.

Is it really unlike me?

Maybe...but I'm trying my best.

I had a chat with a friend a couple of days ago, and she gave me shocking news about her and her husband separating. Separated. Just recently. It was really a shock for me. I thought it would never happen to them. They were a couple who lived a simple life (from how I've known them), led a life with God. And they had a wonderful kid who was very well-balanced. Plus, they had a great sex life (I think they did, from the stories my friend would tell me). And now they're living apart.

It made me so sad, that night I asked Neil what would happen to our family if we separated. Of course, as usual, he brushed it off and said it would never happen.

I'm praying it won't. Praying for my friend and her family. Praying for families to stay together.

Blog on...I don't know when!

Sigh...

Back in the game...?

Hmm...almost two months of not blogging!!!! So what happened there???

First, and most important recent event in my life - gave birth to Lia Ysobel (check out Mommy Matters for details). =)

Second...well there's really no seconds...it's just all motherhood for me. =)

Now, am back to jobhunting.

Have to go check those job sites now. Be back soon!!!

Finally...

It's been more than a month since my last update. This is baaaddd.

As you can well guess...so many things have kept me occupied! Number one on the list: been helping my mom with her errands for her Canada trip. She left last Thursday already...but that doesn't mean things are more relaxed now...that's another story.

And then of course my situation with the office...I finally filed a case against them!!! Yay!!! This is the first time I've done this. John, be proud of me! Mweheheh. We'll be having our first hearing on June 17th (and I'm due to give birth on the 21st, ain't that great). Wish me luck.

And since I'm not going to the office on a regular basis, I've been running from SSS to Philhealth, paying my contributions and filing for my benefits. That darn company is making it difficult for me by not remitting my contributions.

And yes, am still running around, interviewing people and researching for my writing work...thanks to good friends Armel and Chiqui for the extra bucks!

And the most important of all...running around shopping for baby stuff. Not going to elaborate here anymore, got my other blog for that...

So now...am hoping I'd be able to update more often!!!

=p

Been a while!!!

A while is too long...

Believe it or not, I'm busier now that I'm unemployed! Yup, unemployed am I. (Gosh, it means it was that long ago since I wrote here!)

I still don't have the time to write things down now, though...will be back tomorrow instead. ;)

It's a GIRL!

(For those who don't read my mommatters blog)

Yup, everyone guessed right (except the Chinese calendar)! Had ultrasound during the weekend. Spent quite a while in the ultrasound room while the doctor figured out its gender.

So...in a few months we'll be meeting Ysobel. Yup, that's what we're naming her. I wanted to add Alessandra to her name, but the image of that darn jologs actress keeps popping into my mind. Aarrghh. Any ideas for a second name? =)

New blog, if anyone's interested

I've created a new blog: Mommy Matters. Figure it out. ;p

Out with the bad, in with the good ones

After almost a month of whining and worrying, I finally decided: this has got to stop (gosh, wasn't that too long???).

The whining and worrying, I mean. The other circumstances I cannot control, so I am just going to do what I can do.

1. I am 90% resigned that I can't get a job (transfer employment) now that I'm pregnant. Besides, people keep telling me to stop already - the effort of going to interviews and finding out later on that they can't/won't hire me because of the pregnancy is futile. So fuck them already.
   
   
2. Even if I'm not getting paid now, I will still get paid. I will just look forward to that day - and stop fretting over the past two months that I didn't get any moolah.
   
   
3. I will focus instead on my pregnancy, and motherhood. That's my new mantra. I will now keep a new journal for this (hmm, that journal given to me by John two Christmases ago is just perfect - it's themed "new beginnings"!).
   
   
4. I will start writing again.
   
   
5. I will *finally* organize our wedding pictures (yes, June and Bituin, finally). Why did it take me so long? Because now I can laugh about the eventful day. The good thing is, I can do part of it in the office! Yay! (For those who are wondering - we're not doing anything in the office at all. Everyone else is doing their own business. My boss is painting some craft thingy for her son, another team member is printing his own cookbook using the office printer, another is doing a paper for her MBA. Great, huh.)
   
   

See, there's so much good stuff to do?

Wish me luck. =)

Marketing and Me, not MFEO?

Realization. Yesterday, after a long time of wondering what I can do in this field (and vise versa), I suddenly realized: maybe I'm not made for this after all.

Maybe it's the circumstances. Because I'm so disappointed with my current job, not learning anything significant at all about marketing and its principles as I'd expected I would. And then what with the company ready to close down, what can I expect to learn here?

Maybe it's about hearing the truth. When the CEO of the company I used to work for interviewed me again for a marketing position, he had mentioned something that made me reconsider the (career) path I'm taking now. He had thought that I was cut out to be a writer, and that I was serious and passionate about my craft - and now was wondering why I was into marketing.

Maybe it's the circumstances (again). Friends are offering me writing jobs left and right - as if they never realized that for the last three months I had decided to try marketing. It was as if nothing had changed.

Maybe it's the disposition. The silent, reserved person working away on my PC, bringing to life words that were meant to live.

Maybe it's not marketing.

When it rains, it pours

I hate to have to vent this out in my blog, but what the hell.

Three things:

• The company closing down
  
• The company not paying its employees (and no definite date when - or if they will be able to after it closes down!)
  
• No companies hiring pregnant women
  
  

I need a miracle.

In the meantime, I'd just go on cross-stitching this cute little birth announcement thingy for my baby. Yup, that's what I'm doing AT WORK. Ain't it cool? Nothing to do anyways.

Absenteeism

...is one indication that an employee is not happy anymore with the company.

I didn't go to work today. I'm happy.

Neil says that if by the end of the week I don't get my pay, I should hand in my resignation letter.

Will I be able to find a job then?

Help me God.

Need: new job ASAP

Still haven't got paycheck. Not doing anything fulfilling at work. No sense of passion for job. Need I say more?

Although I already have prospects for my next possible employment, there's still the bulging issue - my pregnancy. Who would hire a pregnant woman? Of course, am hoping they would. Praying really hard.

So please say a little prayer for me too.

Quarter-life

Yup! 25 it is.

I spent my birthday with this feeling of - I can't place it properly - sublimity. I guess it had something to do with preparing for motherhood, while still trying to be career-oriented...at 25. I know I shouldn't burden myself with these issues now...so am trying...

Anyway, I spent a quiet day at home with Neil (had him file a 'birthday-of-wife' leave from the office, hehehe). Then we had dinner with very close friends - only a few of them. I guess I didn't feel like celebrating with a blast this year - mostly because I get tired too easily and might not enjoy a rowdy night.

Birthday wish? A normal and healthy baby. Yup, as one friend put it - Olats ka na. Sa baby mo na lahat. Hehehe.

Oh, and before I end this post - many thanks to the people who did not forget. =)

Late post-holiday post (whatever)

As soon as 2003 ended I started to think what to write in my blog. I had a million thoughts in my head - but I had to fall ill. Damnit. I was sick after Christmas and right through New Year's Eve and a few days after that. Disabled. Couldn't even sit up long enough to type.

Thanks to April she had this list of questions on her blog...and I thought, why not? Makes things easier for me, too. ;p

Here they are:

1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?

Went to a gay bar. Got married. (Wait. That's two totally different occasions!)

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Uh, no...

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, Ginny.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No, thank God.

5. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?

A child? Hehehe. Am having my first this year.

6. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

May 31 of course! My wedding day. No dad, no choir, one maid-of-honor less, a borrowed flower girl...sigh. Ask anyone who was present.

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Finally get hitched...? Hehehe.

8. What was your biggest failure?

Deciding to get out of OHSI.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Gastritis

10. What was the best thing you bought?

11. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Neil's.

12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Rex, at one point.

13. Where did most of your money go?

Preps for the wedding: facials, beauty stuff, dinners

14. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Friends coming home to attend the wedding

15. What song/album will always remind you of 2003?

Norah Jones

16. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder?

Sadder. Last year was family reunion year so I was always out.

17. Thinner or Fatter?

Is pregnancy fat?

18. Richer or poorer?

A little richer, but feeling I've lost a lot.

9. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Go out

20. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Worrying

21. Did you fall in love in 2003?

Hmmm, yes, again

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Six Feet Under. Sex and the City came when I was too disabled because of my first trimester, so I didn't get to enjoy it.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No, still hate the same old people, heehee

24. What was the best book you read?

Girl With a Pearl Earring

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Maksim

26. What did you want and get?

Confirmations...

27. What did you want and not get?

More time

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

FInding Nemo?

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Spent with whole clan, first time to introduce Neil to the kin. Had fever. Then treated friends to Chilli's. 24 years.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A nicer wedding.

5. Who did you miss?

Hazel, for my wedding.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Uh, John's best friend Dick perhaps?

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003:

Patience is really the key.

Found my soul?


You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

Holiday frenzy - not

Nine days before christmas - and everyone's running around ticking off their christmas lists.

Not me!

Am disabled, and broke. Eek. Bad combination.

My doctor had one prescription for me: no malling. Imagine that!!! She said I can only go around after the holidays. Wah. It's just that the baby's been moving around a lot (i.e., my tummy's contracting) - that's why I need a lot of rest.

And then - they haven't paid me yet. Yup, delayed salary. That, plus I haven't received my last pay from OHSI yet. Equals one dukha person.

Sigh. This is the poorest I have ever been.

Really, get me out of here, please!

I'm not happy.

I don't know if it's too early to tell, but the co. has so far unimpressed me. Besides doing blah work for a month now, I'm not learning anything. At all.

And it's not as petty as the guard logging my every move, or the deductions from my 10-minute tardiness, or the warnings I get.

It just doesn't work for me.

And Neil won't believe me. Aarrrggghhh!

Pleaasssseee I want out.

I miss my YM days...

The very first thing I did when I entered my new job was to download the Yahoo Messenger program.

Alas - it was in vain. They did not allow chatting in my new office.

I told myself - it's okay; maybe it's time I lessened my online time. I should be okay with sending email to my friends.

It's driving me crazy!

I feel so out touch. I don't know what's going on with the world anymore. And, they don't know what's going on with me.

I've lost my touch with adjectives and expletives. Gone were the days when one single *status message* can stir up five hours of conversation with different people. Now I can't even precisely describe what I'm feeling (or maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, I don't know).

Micaela (Depresaka): Take me away from here!

Bored

Uh-huh. Am bored bored bored.

I don't know if it's just my hormones (yeah I've been miserable lately).

Bored bored bored.

We're pregnant!

Yes we are! =) Sneaky baby, I tell you. Never thought I'd conceive that soon. ;p The little one's five weeks now.

So far it's been the toilet bowl and me who've been sharing my recent mom experiences. Blech. Five to seven times a day, who can beat that?

Aaaaah. I hope this puking galore stops soon. Grow up fast, little one, or mom will have to look like the toilet bowl soon.

;p

A place where the heartache is worth it

Today is my last day of employment with OHSI.

Everyone got together for lunch. Two things: Rey's birthday, and my sendoff (it was sorta weird to read "Happy Birthday, Rey" and "Good luck, Mica" on the same cake, but what the heck, that's how it is there - it's all about sharing).

I was asked to speak. As I was doing so, I began to realize that - there was so much I wanted to thank the people and the organization for. The Web Team had special mention of course - without saying it, they had kept me going. (I almost broke down when my gaze met Liza's but I kept my poise for the sake of more than half the org - now composed of newbies and temps - who would have the last impression of me as strange and emotional.)

And then the president, Doji, spoke. Now that is one person who could say so much in just a short span of time. He traced my stay at OHSI, promptly detailing the significant events in my life as a team member. What was more amazing was that - he remembered what my goals were at that time that I entered the org, thereby ending his speech with the mention of the "legacy" I was leaving OHSI - the org's e-zine that I had EIC'd.

It took me until 930pm to finish arranging my files. I don't know if I was stalling (now I realize that I guess I was).

It pains me so much leaving OHSI. But I guess when something ends, something else begins.

Smelly people

I took Friday afternoon off to go to UP Diliman. I had to go apply for my LOA (again, arrrgggghhhh) and apply for my transcript. I brought along my good friend John.

Because I promised John that one day I'd take him to UP and tour him around, that afternoon was the best time for us to do it. Since he wasn't doing anything (at all), and I was kinda going to go around the campus because of the filing and paying and lining up, I figured it was best he went around campus that way - with a lot of walking, climbing stairs, waiting on steps, riding the ikot.

First stop was at Vidal Tan Hall, where the UP Open University office was located. John was thirsty, so I led him to the canteen, which - was not there anymore. I remembered there was a manang selling soft drinks at the back of the Faculty Center, so I led him there. Whaaat? he screeched (well not really, but he almost did). I'm going to drink there?

I would have loved to tease him and said yes, you're going to sit there along with the tambays. But I took pity on his pretty albeit sweaty face, so we just bought a bottle of Mountain Dew and walked back to the NISMED area, where he sat down the steps and decided to wait for me there while I run upstairs.

Next, we walked to the OUR. It was a looonnngg walk, since the OUR has been transferred to a far far faraway place. I had him sit down to rest while the Cashier screamed at me for being frikkin' late.

I then thought it was a good idea to take him to Crowded House. Off we went, towards the back of Vinzon's Hall. Ooops. Crowded House was - closed.

Instead, there were people there - lots of them. Some unloading from jeepneys and buses, some setting up a stage, others just sitting down. What is this? John asks. Sssssh, I motioned, as I led him away. What? he asks. And we had barely passed by every one of them when he commented, there's a certain smell here...

I tensed up. I took quicker steps and he followed. Don't say that! I warned him. We might end up bloody and barely alive!

What, what? he asked again. Sigh.

We just walked into a large group of rallyists preparing for the Bush arrival the next day. And my good friend had just called them smelly people. I could only shake my head.

We dropped by Balay Kalinaw, where the UP Press bookstore was located. John bought around P500 worth of books. I had nothing to do with it.

We planned to have dinner at Chocolate Kiss with Abi, Liza, and V - but before we did, we passed by the Shopping Center. John bought a pair of Mojos. Again, I had nothing to do with it.

Finally, dinner. We stuffed ourselves full. (By the way, thanks Liza for the dessert!!!)

Sigh. What a fine day that was.

At the end of the day, John and I were the smelly people from all the walking and sweating.

Moving on

Yesterday I gave my resignation letter to my boss.

I never heard the end of it from Leah and Miguel, as they tortured me the whole day, hoping I'd change my mind - or die from guilt.

It was not an easy decision.

Shifting to a (majorly) different path was one thing; leaving the company (most importantly, the people I became good friends with) was another.

Yes, it took me a painfully long time to finally find it in my heart to "abandon" (although not entirely) my craft, and turn to Marketing (my newfound competence, so to speak). It wasn't after much convincing by some of my friends that I could always write anytime that I stopped worrying about it.

And then there are the people I've grown to love. Three years of friendship and loyalty and support; triumphs and failures; laughter and tears (however personal or work-related) - this is something I can never exchange. And then I realized - this doesn't have to end. We can always continue to share these friendships even when we've all moved on.

On November 11, I'll be starting my new job. I'll be putting on a different face (Marketing and business attire - gasp!).

I just hope I like (and eventually, will love) what I'll be doing.

Wish me luck.

Happy and gay

Who said that men weren't nice? And kind, and gentle, and proper...and opened doors for you...and held your elbow when you crossed the street? And told you that you have more blush on your right cheek than your left...and watched a musical with you, and knew the words and what it was all about (and sang "I'm so pretty" with you)? And remembered that you didn't like vegetables and thought about putting them aside? And laughed with you hard even if your poise gets a little distorted because your mouth is wide open in genuine laughter and your arms are flailing up in the air for more drama?

Last Friday I went out with two male friends. Actually, one male friend and his date. Upon my enthusiasm (and insistence), I went out with them to watch a mini-Broadway production of Monique Wilson. Admittedly at first I thought I'd be the odd man out - I was wrong.

It didn't take a long time warming up to my friend's date. I think it started when we both asked the same question at once ("Are Kuh and Monique still together?"). Ah, yes. Showbiz is happy and gay, too. It didn't stop there.

No matter how shamelessly (o-kay, mildly then) they flirted with each other, I had a hell of a time with them. Just watching them like that, au naturel, made my night. They were two very true people.

Thank God for gay men.

"...Is there a sign painted on our faces that says 'sex, sex, sex'? If there's anything at all that's written on our faces, it's probably solitude." - Ronald Baytan (from Bongga Ka, Day!)

Should I stay or should I go?

I have a a final interview this Monday for a marketing job. Actually, we're already going to negotiate my salary.

I've been thinking it over this week. If it had been a job offered to me three months ago I would have grabbed the opportunity to get out.

I don't know why, but suddenly I have this nagging feeling that I should review my options again.

I found out it was because of this fear - fear that I'd be slowly veering away from my craft. The fact that it's a marketing job says it all. I still will write - boring press releases and newsletter stuff - but there's nothing like doing it full time, y'know?

Sigh. I hope I make the right decision.

Have you ever...?

...felt so sad that you don't know you are shutting out everything around you, including the person smiling right in front of you? So sad that you don't hear your phone ringing; so sad that you don't realize it's tears falling down your face and not rain?

...felt so low that no matter how much effort you put into something your output still spells disaster? So low that you've forgotten you can speak up and be heard?

...felt so numb you don't feel the hunger anymore? So numb that your five-hour headache is disguisingly comforting?

...

I'm the cornflower blue donkey

Ass is more like it (sorry, Eeyore).

I must have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed (well, I'm on the wrong side of the bed, actually. Neil sleeps on the side nearest the wall - I don't know how we got into these sleeping places). It must have been my week-long cranky mood. Or maybe it's the crawling red ants that keep on coming back no matter how much Baygon I spray. Maybe it's the stressful living condition that we have - we realized we don't have such a perfect home, with the water leakage, the [non-existence of an] elevator, the frikkin ants, the not-so-helpful maintenance guy.

And then one bad thing led to another and another and now my husband and I ain't talking to each other.

There. The raincloud hovering above me.

Rockin weekend

Guess what I was doing last Friday at 7PM?

I was with Neil and John, on the waiting shed in front of MSE Ayala, slightly wet because of the downpour. Waiting for the Quiapo bus.

We were going to Sanctum Intramuros to see Cynthia Alexander. John was complaining - "I'm not a die-hard fan!" - he wouldn't have been braving the rains for Cynthia.

So anyway, we boarded the bus. Good thing we were seated (or else I wouldn't hear the end of it from John). Neil fell asleep, John was absorbed in reading his Harry Potter 5 on his PDA, and I was left staring at my hand.

We got off at the Quiapo church, and took the jeep to the pier. I swear we looked like the three very lost wise men...we were dressed up and looking so dignified - riding the jeep and inhaling the polluted Manila air. All that for Cynthia.

Since we were on Patty's guest list, we got good seats in the house. Patty, tipsy and all, humiliated me by telling Cynthia I was the stalker. I was horrified. I mean, if I were the artist I'd stay away from stalkers, right. Grrr. Anyway, when the show ended, I was already humiliated that I didn't want to line up for the CD signing. I had John go up and do it.

John, the good friend that he is, pointed to me and said - "There's Mica! This was all her idea. There's your stalker!". God! I had to stand, go up, and meet her.

It wasn't as horrifying as I thought it would be. She wrote, on the CD jacket, "daghang salamat, Mica...wouldn't have explored so far". Awww. Ain't that great? ;p

Anyway...Saturday we spent the day with Neil's tita (and tito). It felt good talking to two old married couples - the insight you can get from them!

Sunday...well I was dreading French class. I felt I didn't do my homework right, and I had a gnawing feeling that my professeur would call on me - again and again and again - like he always does. It turned out that I was the only one who got it right! Nice surprise.

Now I wish the weekend was longer...

To Raine

Thanks for your message, sweetie! Don't worry about not making it to our wedding. I know you wanted so much to be there - just like most of the people who didn't make it, because of the events of the day (oh, if you haven't heard of it, I've provided a short account for you below).

As for married life - well, all I can say is, there's so much we still have to learn. What we had six years ago isn't what it is now that we're married. It is just so different from those dating stages! I'm especially struggling trying to be a good partner (hmm, note the choice of word here - wife is just too sexist for me! haha) - I mean, I've been so independent my whole life and I've valued (and practiced) my individuality. Oh, you won't imagine how now I've been wreaking disaster after disaster - from forgetting the bills, to cooking with the wrong ingredients, to not putting fabric conditioner on the laundry, to everything domestic! Sometimes I doubt if I will ever, at least, get the hang of it.

On the other hand, there's someone I come home to. You know what's weird? I feel this is a new love, you know? Like we're re-learning how to love. Everything feels like first time. It's thrilling and at the same time, challenging. You know how you first find someone and fall in love? Everything that comes with that - it's happening all over again.

Hmm. You're the only person who hasn't asked about an offspring in the making! Hehehe. No, we're not having one yet. Maybe in the next year or two. (Thank God my mom has Tabitha! Tabitha's our dog. She adores my mom - and vice versa! If it weren't for Tab, I'm sure mom's forcing me to have a kid NOW NA. Hehe.)

Come over some time. I'll play your good hostess and Neil will play the typical husband, just sitting in front of the TV while conversing with you. Hahaha.

We're arranging and collating our wedding pics. Will send you some soon. =)

Oh - what happened during the wedding? A gas tanker was lying in the middle of South Superhighway that fateful day. Authorities were afraid it might explode, so they had traffic rerouting. Our guests took different routes - inside the busting Laguna towns, service roads, dirt roads, and most of them going back to Manila and going through Cavite and Tagaytay to get to Laguna, just like the LFers did. The church was barely filled; half of the entourage were stuck in traffic. My father did not arrive. We borrowed a flower girl. I was crying like crazy in the bridal car, I didn't care anymore if my makeup ran, and my veil kept falling. There was no music. My photographer arrived after the ceremonies, as well as most of my family. Guests arrived in batches during the reception. The choir arrived at 8pm. Ginny, my good friend and maid-of-honor, was an angel - she did a great job handling the church and reception activities. One veil sponsor and another maid-of-honor (thank God I had two!) arrived at 1245 in the morning.

Such an eventful day! I wonder what's in store for us in the next years...;p

Now I know where to go searching when I'm lost...

You come from the Ocean. You've always been drawn
to the sea, the sound of the waves, the crystal
blue water, near the sea is where you belong.


Where Did Your Soul Originate?
brought to you by Quizilla

Lazy monday

Aaaaah. The moment I woke up I dreaded coming to work. Weekends are just not enough!

I spent the whole of Saturday cleaning our home. By the time I finished, I had to prepare for Saturday night's G. Had I finished earlier, I would have entertained June at home, visited Cam after, then on to Parañaque for the dinner. But no! I could not anymore - I'm losing my powers. And then I had to compromise Saturday dinner over Six Feet Under. Sigh. Well, it's not every day that we get to spend time like last Saturday's dinner, so I won't complain. ;p

Sunday - well I spent most of the day sleeping. The Hub and I went out at 7pm to hear mass at Greenbelt. We had to rush home to catch Will and Grace (hmm, am too hooked on TV already!). Spent the rest of Sunday scouring the papers and the Net for jobs. No success. =(

If the weekend were longer, I would have:

• arranged photos: both old ones and our wedding pics (they're complete now, finally!)
  
• covered my books
  
• rearranged my closet (yes, it's still disorganized)
  
• downloaded MP3s
  
• prepared cards for snail mail (calling Neil...you haven't cut out the cards yet, honey...grrr)
  
• spaced out!
  
  

Sigh. Mondays suck.

Raging hormones

What the - I've not been blogging for almost a month now and I talk about my hormones???

Yes, unfortunately this is the big update of my life.

How blah can I get.

Next week, I promise. There'll be less of these and more of LIFE! (Yay.)

Marriage is adjustment.

That's what I learned in my 23 days of being married.

The first week I was crying myself to sleep because of homesickness.

The weeks after I was crying every day because I was having a hard time adjusting. Having someone to hug with during cold, rainy nights or to feet-wrestle with while watching mindless cartoons sure is nice, but there's a lot more to living with someone.

I don't know - perhaps it was because I was so used to living my *own* life. Or perhaps it was because everything seemed to call for a compromise. I never knew compromises could be difficult, too - I mean, it wasn't hard compromising with my former roommate, because each of us gave in (and in the end would be easier to settle). And this fact made it harder for me to adjust.

I wanted to go away. I wanted to spend time with myself - I wanted to think, I wanted to understand, I wanted to heal. I had told Neil - but he held my hand tight and would not let me go. His way of healing.

Evil ever

I am 26% evil.




I try to stay away from evil deeds but succumb to temptation every once in a while. I'm not quite on my way to hell but I certainly have some explaining to do.


Are you evil? find out at Hilowitz.com

Ever after

Ten days of being married - how has it been?

It's been bliss, because every morning I wake up and have someone beside me. It reminds me of days to come - not alone now, but with someone to share with. It takes some getting used to, but it's a beautiful struggle to begin with.

At night, though, I get these pangs of homesickness...sadness...I can't determine what they are. I've been crying myself to sleep this week. I miss a lot of things, I guess...or perhaps it's still taking some time to sink in.

One thing's for sure: there's still a lot I (or we) have to learn.

Three more (sleepless) nights...

...before the big day.

I pray that everything will go well.

The anatomy of someone who's getting hitched in 12 days

Okay. Let's start from the bottom.

1. Feet. Toes okay - just had a great pedicure last Saturday with Ginny. Soles: so-so. Tired feet most of the time, from all the errands.





2. Lower legs. Veins starting to show. Please, not those varicose-type (Lord, no!).





3. Thighs. Still looking normal. Although I could swear I have cellulites over there.





4. Butt. A little worked out already from all the running around and going up five flight of stairs of our new apartment. Not as worked out as my calves, though.





5. Tummy. Wish it would go away.





6. Stomach. Bloated from all the Ruffles I've been eating. Blasted stress snack. Hmp.





7. Boobies. Getting boobier, said some friends. Augh! I don't want any more of it!!!





8. Arms. God. Still huge. Embarrasingly UNtoned. And dark because they were exposed when I went to the beach.





9. Face. Breaking out. Trying hard to hydrate with water, but I can't sleep well nowadays, so what the hell. Break out all you want, you impish little zits!!!





10. Hair. The only part of my body cooperating well. Thank God for Alex, my six-year hairdresser.





11. Brain. Going bonkers. I can't think properly. I'm losing my organization skills. Ooh, that's bad. Keep forgetting things. Like where I put my brain.








Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!



12 more days 'til the day. Help me God.

Pre-wedding beach trip

It cost a whole night of tampo for Neil and a pair of sandals for me. Neil finally gave me his blessings at half past midnight - which then led me to pack my beach stuff. ;p

Besides being a stress-reliever for me, that beach trip was also a bridal shower cum coming out party. ;p Now we're not only happy, but gay, too!!!

32 more days

...and the nightmares won't stop: the caterer canceling, the makeup artist nowhere to be found, my dress not the one i envisioned it to be, neil super super late, neil not going because he's tinatamad, the mass cut short because everybody was late which led to the choir singing just one song but charged whole payment for that, my mother nagging me because everyone was late.

i need to get away!!! (PAGING NEIL: hint hint...please let me go to the beach this weekend....)

"And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

because your presence still lingers here

and it won't leave me alone.

These wounds won't seem to heal

this pain is just too real

there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears

when you screamed i'd fight away all of your fears

and I held your hand through all of these years

but you still have all of me."

My Immortal, by Evanescence

There. I've captured how you're feeling. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, oh no. I just want you to know that I can also feel your pain, and my (or our, include the people around you) heart aches too. But you know, nothing lasts forever. Not even sadness, not even pain, not even him.

Take things one day at a time. Soon you will find that thin ray of light seeping through the dark of the dawn and everything becomes brilliant. Soon you will hear the laughter of a four-year-old who has just discovered how beautiful the walls look like when they're covered with watercolor. Soon you will find the answers. Soon you will understand. And you will be surprised - it may come to you at that moment when you're doing something mundane.

After all, the rainbow comes after the rain.

We're always here.

DO NOT do these to me please

1. Agree to meet me/make an appointment with me, then cancel out AND lie or make up an excuse for it.
   
2. Really excite me about something that you know is close to my heart just for it to get busted - by you.
   
3. Break your promise/s. Especially if you know me too well that I have a problem with broken promises. And that I myself don't break them.
   
4. Lie to me.
   
5. Take advantage of me. Especially that that's not how my mind works. I give my all to those people who need me/my help/whatever, and wholeheartedly. If someone says you're taking advantage me I would not believe that person, because I will always believe you are not.
   
   

Neil, thank you for those comforting words you gave when I was at my lowest this day, ranting about --- the above.

Signs?

As Ruth and I were talking last night, she yet again brought up another realization (we've been doing a lot of that lately, whenever we get the chance to talk). You know, she says. So many things have been going on in your life since you got engaged. It almost seems like you're getting answers for those questions!

I had to agree with her. Yesterday especially was a strange day.

a pleasant surprise

Just last week I was lamenting (to Neil) that this cousin of mine had stopped (no, am exaggerating - minimized is the word) calling, treating us out, and giving freebies (yeah, and these aren't your ordinary freebies - it could go from pan de sal to PDAs). It's because I'm getting married, I told Neil. He didn't expect my life path to turn out this way. He had big plans for me, you see - wanted me to leave the PI and establish a good life somewhere else. But no - since it looked like I was settling down (and worse, here in the PI!), he didn't care anymore. Of course, all those I assumed, while thinking aloud to Neil.

And then yesterday, he gives his wedding gift - a surprisingly big amount of money (well, by our standards, at least). Plus he offers to provide one errand vehicle for the wedding day, and a hotel room where I can change - his treat.

it had me grinning all morning.

and then a bad surprise

My half-brother Ryan texted to tell me Dad's in the hospital. He was shot in the chest last Sunday.

I was alarmed, and had the urge to call Kuya instead of just exchanging texts, but decided not to. What's happened, I ask. I don't know the whole story yet, he replies. But I'll tell you as soon as I get the details. Fortunately, Dad's condition is stable now.

What could have happened? I cannot imagine my dad being a war freak. Am thinking it had something to do with that farm that he manages? I don't know.

I'm just praying everything will be okay.

I couldn't eat properly yesterday, my hands were clammy, and my stomach was turning.

What are the signs telling me?

Early morning madness

For some strange reason, I'm up and about. It's 3:22 am.

Am doing five things at once: downloading MP3s and guitar tablatures, checking mail, writing on my online and print journals. Wanted to take out my guitar from its case and study the tabs already, but my roommate is already fast asleep.

Aaarrggghhhhh.

These quizzes rock!

See which Greek Goddess you are.

See which Greek Goddess you are.

The story

Maiete, this is the story I would have finished had I been in my right mind, ;p

She calls him on his cell. Please come over, she says. There was a note of urgency in her voice. He could not pinpoint it - it looked like there was an emergency. What's wrong? He asks. It's my husband, she says. We're having problems, and I just need someone to talk to. Uh, okay, he says. Let's meet up.

Who is it? asks the woman sitting across him. Oh, it's that girl I met, he explains. She needed someone to talk to.

The woman's brows creased a little. Oh, she mumbles. Okay.

He looks at her. The woman looks away. Inside, he sighs. This could be right, he thinks. But why couldn't it be? Here in front of me is the love of my life. Why does it have to be this way? Life is so complicated! He shakes his head.

He goes out to meet the caller. He finds her sitting in the restaurant, in tears. Apparently, her husband has been having affairs left and right. While she works her ass off, dancing. (Gifu Darling, they call her. She was the most successful of all Japayukis in Gifu City. You had to be a really nice gentleman to have an audience with her.)

She sobs some more. So, what do you want to happen? he asks.

With tears flowing down her cheeks, she says to him, softly: Vengeance.

Can you help me? she implores.

I'm not sure what you're talking about, says he.

Let's have an affair, she says. And she touches his hand. Which he withdraws in an instant.

I'm sorry, he says. And he stands up, and leaves.

Outside the restaurant, he waits for a cab. Though it wasn't that late, there weren't any cabs passing by. He decides to walk home.

So what happened to the guy?

He's decided to search for his soul - and became a monk. Nowadays his heart aches still for that one woman he truly loved, but some things have to be.

Note: This is a work of fiction. These are just scenes Maiete and I have been playing in our minds that night.

Listen to me, please

I have heartaches, too.

CAREER SHIFT!!!

Behold - the new counselor - moi!!!

I've just noticed that more and more people are drawn to me - my listening skills are really effective.

DOWN it goes

My.morale.

The sun rises

Oh yes it does - and I'm still awake.

Can't sleep. Had too much coffee? Cigarettes? Or perhaps stuck again in that pensive mode?

Now I have the urge to go have breakfast at McDonald's. Yummm - pancakes and sausages. Maybe I'll take the bike. Have its wheels checked first before crossing Ayala to Paseo for that Breakfast McDo.

Maybe. Maybe not.

FOR RAINE

Tonight the stars prepare to celebrate you.


Look at them - a blanket of lights. Some blinking, some brightly lit, others sending a few sparks.


They talk among themselves.


Ready? they say. C'mon, they nudge each other. Let's make this perfect.

Raine -


Tonight, take a peek at the sky.


See the heavens light up.


See them celebrate you.

A very HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you, sweetie.

You have a perfect day tomorrow. =)

[Just one of the sounds of]one heart breaking

Last night, my heart broke.

It was because I heard a story - one so unbelievable, but unfortunately true.

As my friend sobbed, I could feel the pain, too - and it hurt. Fucking hurt.

Apparently, her boyfriend of eight years has been abusing her - verbally - for some time now. Last night, for example, she received a text message: "Where are you? Are you out having sex with your boys again?"

He does that every time she goes out - regardless of the nature of the activity. Be it dinner with friends, choir practice, an office event.

I asked her what could be the reason why he does that - perhaps there might have been some thing in the past that had happened. Implying of course that perhaps there was a valid reason for him to get jealous that way. And she says none.

He's the one who has that history, that past, she says. And now it appears like it was I who did all those things, she laments.

And she sobs. And sobs.

It breaks my heart.

Moreso for her.

Wise words from Rainer Maria Rilke

"...have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

I am virginal???

Took this test - got the link from Raine's blog. Check it out!

take the virgin-whore dichotomy quiz.


and go to mewing.net. where we're all studs.

World peace

This time it's not just any beauty contestant's wish.

"Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans."

--John Lennon

Life's a bitch

Man. She can't beat me.

Home

Is this home, is this where I should learn to be happy? Never dreamed that a home would be dark and cold. I was told every day in my childhood, even when we grow old - home will be where the heart is, never a word so true. My heart’s far, far away, home is, too. Is this home, is this what I must learn to believe in? Try to find something good in this tragic place? Just in case I should stay here forever, held in this empty space - oh but that won’t be easy, I know the reason why. My heart’s far, far away, home’s a lie. What I’d give to return to the life that I knew lately! But I know, but I can’t solve my problems going back. Is this home? Am I here for a day or forever? Shut away from the world until who knows when? Oh but when has my life has been altered once it can change again. Build higher walls around me, change every lock and key. Nothing lasts, nothing holds all of me.

My heart’s far, far away, home and free.

-Belle, Beauty and the Beast

I wish I knew, too.

Pamanhikan

Yesterday our families met with each other.

Today - I'm glad we've done what we were supposed to do.

It was a tense-filled day! At least preparing for the pamanhikan.

When I woke up yesterday morning, I didn't want to attend french classes. As soon as I heard mom's voice piping in from the kitchen asking about the day's big event, it prompted me to get out of bed and go to class. (Besides, it was our last day, so I had to go say au revoir et merci beaucoup to Madame Audrain who had been so pleasant calling on me every single french class.)

But, no! While in class, my cell wouldn't stop. Mom. Neil. My Tita Pearl. Dad. Asking about the event. Stressing about it.

Went home briefly during lunch to drop my things, then went off to meet V and Maiete for Divisoria trip. Aaah, what therapy! Was kept busy looking for materials for my bridal dress. And since I was mazing in and out of the buildings in Ilaya and Tabora streets, my phone's signal was fluctuating. No one bothered me.

On my way home it started again, with Mom calling me on my cell. Where are you? She was freaking out.

At exactly six in the evening, Neil and his parents were knocking on the door. Ack! I was just about to finish dressing up. Of course Mom wouldn't stop trying to make me hurry up. And, she burst into her teacher mode, speaking in that annoying tone and in straight English. Gaad.

It was good that the atmosphere warmed up when we were seated at the restaurant. We were there for four hours.

The event went well, relatively. Quite surprised with myself - I was calm and collected during the whole thing. ;p

Three months until the day!

when i saw the break of day

i wished that i could fly away

instead of kneeling in the sand

catching teardrops in my hand

"Don't Know Why", Norah Jones

0917 8457086

That is the number of this guy who's been bothering me for two weeks now.

His first call - he was looking for Maui. I told him he had the wrong number.

His second, it was 4am the next day.

He would let my phone ring.

Three in the morning (while I was at the beach), he called me. And then wouldn't speak on the phone.

Today at 230 he called up. He wouldn't say a word. I called him up.

Sorry, just wondering where I got your number, he says.

Well I don't know! I say. I've already told you I wasn't Maui, so why do you still keep on calling me?

He tries to apologize. I give him more of that don't give me that B.S. thing.

He goes on to text me: can we be friends, then?

Cheapo.

Grrrr.

A most unusual (but great, nevertheless) beach trip

That was a very pleasant beach trip we had during the weekend.

As usual, it was John and me again, and everyone had their excuses. Hmp.

We left Manila at around 430 in the morning. First surprise: we arrived at the Batangas City pier a little before 630 - which let us board the 630 outrigger boat to White Beach. At 8am we found our perfect nipa hut (airconditioned, mind you), and at 9 we had finished our breakfast. First activity for the day?

Sleep, of course! Until around 1pm. When we were finally fully awake, we changed into our beach attires and headed for the shore. While I was lying down sunning myself, John was out in the water, wading nearby. Soon he was talking to this guy (who looked like he was trying to pick up John). I later found out that the guy's name was Raymond (as he was introduced to me).

Later that night, we saw Raymond again, hanging out with a couple-friend of his. He offered his seat to us. At first we declined, but he was too nice and insisted that we have a seat, so we did. I could tell he was curious about John and me (well, more about John ;p). I found out that he was a freelance scriptwriter.

Soon Raymond retired (I don't know where), and we were left watching the rest of the beautiful gay people around the bar. We got a little bored, so we decided to hang out in our hut for a while, and then go out again later (when hopefully there will be more beautiful people). But no! As soon as we hit the bed, we fell asleep. Fast.

Woke up early the next morning (another surprise), had breakfast (and I saw a classmate from college), and - went back to sleep. Woke up at noon, hung out the beach (I had a massage), John collected stones, Raymond came over for a little chat again, and then lunch.

As we were lining up for the boat ride back to Batangas, Raymond came running. Hitch with my couple-friends, he said. Uh, okay, we reply (a little cold and uncomfortable). Hmm, I told John. Your charms REALLY work.

We ended up hitching with Raymond's friends. They were a nice couple. It was from them that we found out that Raymond was an award-winning scriptwriter (Tanging Yaman, Anak). He was Raymond Lee.

As the weekend ended, John and I kept on thinking, how come nothing went wrong during this trip?

I can only mutter a word of thanks. It was a pretty darn good beach trip.

"Seize the moment of excited curiosity on any subject to solve your doubts; for if you let it pass, the desire may never return..." - William Wirt, American lawyer

If you really knew me, and years from now would try to recall one distinct character of mine, what would it be?

One of two things: the passion I have for things (especially the things I love); or, my lust for learning.

I don't know where I get the passion from, but I've just been this way with everything that I do. Come to think of it, I don't quite understand why.

And then learning. Oh yes, I have always been curious of things, and I yearn to learn. This has gotten me into trouble though - when time came that I wanted to do a lot of things all at the same time. I find it a healthy exercise, though.

If you really knew me, and years from now would try to recall one distinct frustration I have, what would it be?

One: having the opportunity to learn - and then having it taken away from you. Not even a glimpse of it allowed.

And then frustration turns to disgust.

Endangered culture

If there is such a thing.

Just before I left the office today, April and I were talking about the company culture. How it started, flourished, and eventually faded. Now it's almost gone - one crucial thing that brought us in (at least us oldies) into the company...the invisible thread that goes through each of us and holds us together, the one ring to bind us (eeeek, enough already).

Anyway. As always, we had one of those moments again, when one itsy bitsy question brought out a concern which in turn stirred our emotions and bang - there we were letting out our heartaches and frustrations.

And it all boiled down to one - culture endangered. Indeed, in a company like ours, where does one find comfort, and at the same time, inspiration, but in each other? The nagging issue now is - where is it? Where is the culture we once had?

Back to reality

I wish I can go on like this...but two days of not really talking to anyone - I learned - can raise the alarm. Friends have been sending me text messages and calling me on my cell (and landline, but I told my roommate to tell them I was asleep) but I ignored them (some I totally ignored; others I at least replied to tell them I was fine). I accepted a friend's offer to sleep over his place, but I could not tell him anything. I was quiet than ever. I declined another offer for me to stay there the whole day and think things over - decided to go home instead. [I had this urge to pluck the strings of my guitar; that I cannot ignore when I'm having the blues.]

Why do I have all these things to think about? Most of the time i just want to whack my head on the wall. Life is so simple - as I'm constantly reminded by a friend - but I just damn keep on forgetting.

So - again, I'm taking things one day at a time.

Besides, with friends and loved ones like that, who wouldn't want to give life a chance?

This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels

I have held the hand of a devil

It was warm in the night

I was cold as stone

But I still

haven't found

what I'm looking for

U2

Shut

That's where I want to be. What I want to do.

I've been thinking again. Oh, I hate it when this happens. I had this glazed look since last week. I wish because I've been high on something - but no.

I wish I'd stop already.

Somebody shoot me.

Starfish, playing on the sand

Pretty as the Sunset,

--Orange and Purple

And oh the wild streak

Of motley hues

Of silent clues

Makes me wonder

Oh Starfish, come

Near so I may touch

Your fragile tips

Supple bumps

Sweet mouth

There you go

--But not quite

Leave, don’t leave

Starfish, no

01.28.03

ExcIETy

I'm for confusion!!! I don't know if its excitement or anxiety.

I was wrong when I thought that after bringing Neil to that family affair, the excitement would subside.

But no! Mom calls every day and asks (randomly) about the wedding deetz. My Tita Gaya calls me on my cell asking me to please reserve the venue already (thank God that's been settled!). My cousin Mattie texts me regularly (and calls me on the landline now when she used to not call me and would even choose not to reply to my texts) and asks how I'm doing (or more importantly, what I'm doing about the wedding). Coworkers make it a part of the daily comfort room chitchat. Fortunately my maids-of-honor are too busy with their own lives to send me a text message of a daily countdown for the wedding.

Or so I thought. I met up with Cam last night. We spent *some* time discussing the wedding deetz. So much so that I was thinking of what we had discussed until I fell asleep.

And the dreams came. And they never stopped until I woke up the next morning.

I dreamt of my wedding day. I was in my dress already. I was in hysterics. Apparently the caterer fails to deliver the food, and the misalette has been forgotten (as in nada - no misalette, no printouts, no copies). It's three hours until the wedding. No one offered any solutions. I was helpless.

I woke up this morning with the feeling that my gastritis problem has doubled up because of the stress I had in that dream! Crazy ( as Neil had said later this afternoon, when I told him about it) as it is, I was thinking of that stupid dream the whole day. It did nothing to help ease my nerves.

Don't blame me if one day I suddenly pack up with Neil and leave for Vegas. Mwahahaha.

It's a blah week

yeah. it is.

Vida is born!

Yes! Finally. At 1:38 this morning.

Totong says she looks exactly like Ginny. Ooh I can't wait to see her.

Neil meets the rest of the family

He did - the night of my birthday!

As we entered my tita's house, everyone's eyes were on Neil. Everyone started talking all at once (that was comforting - at least we didn't get a menacing silence) - I didn't know to whom and how I would introduce Neil. Tita Lolly to the rescue - she pulled Neil by her side and started introducing him - "Neil, Mica's fiance" - to everyone. Everyone said a warm hello - and Tito Rudy came over, shook Neil by his hand, and asked in his loudest, snarling voice a series of questions that had Neil nodding with his frozen smile. Tita Lolly pulled him away again, as everyone laughed at my tito's attempt to scare him off.

Surprisingly, I didn't have butterflies in my stomach that night. At all.

Can't wait for Vida

Vida is Ginny and Kin's daughter. She's coming out this week - and the proud ninang that I will be - I can't wait.

Welcome, honey. La Vida Misa.

It's a sick birthday

I came back from Nasugbu, Batangas yesterday with a fever (and burning, I tell ya). I was pretty okay at the beach - after I got up from sunbathing and went in to take my bath and change for home, I wasn't looking very good anymore.

They took me away from the beach, that's why! Hehehehe.

Anyway. I'm at the office today, working. I didn't want to stay home - pathetic. I decided I can handle work anyway.

Sigh.

Bookings galore

Why is everyone suddenly texting/calling me for bookings?

"Before you get married!" they say. "Let's go for one last trip/dinner/movie/coffee chat/shopping spree."

Why is it that I have to do "one last thing" before I say "I do"?

Nobody tells me why. Calling...all my married friends. What is it??? Whaaaat???